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Where do I go from here?

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  • Where do I go from here?

    This is rather long-winded and I apologize in advance.

    My boyfriend of four years and I just split up not that long ago. I had spent the last 3 years of our relationship having to be responsible for everything. The only thing we co-signed was the lease on our apartment. Everything else was in my name including all of the utilities, the titles to his cars, and his car insurance. He only recently got a checking account for himself and in the mean time had me basically taking care of his finances.

    He worked and hung out with his friends and that was about it. He had no qualms about coming and going as he pleased and I rarely made a fuss about it. He was also a compulsive liar to get his way. Hardly ever cleaned or offered to help with laundry and was usually cold and distant unless we were having sex. The guy has a mean streak a mile across and a very short temper which would be ignited by the smallest things like hunger or realizing we were out of soda. He also had this very bizarre obsession with one of his female friends, hanging out with her all the time even when I wasn't around, talking her up, going to concerts with her while I was at work, and inviting her to all of our holiday parties. It got to the point where even his best male friends said something to me about their relationship.

    I put up with a lot of crap over the years. Then he started pitching fits about me going out. It didn't matter who I was with, where we were going, or how long I was gone, if I didn't come home at exactly the minute I guestimated I would, he would loose it. It usually started screaming battles that went on for hours. He accused me of intentionally ignoring my phone when he called or sent me a text to "check in," he accused most of my friends of being untrustworthy to be around (he called my best friend a ********** and said he doesn't like me hanging out with her because he fears she'll convince me to hook up with random guys), and he has blatantly accused me of cheating on him insisting I go "live with whatever dude you're banging this time." There have even been moments where he was drunk and said that my family and friends don't give a ******** about me. When I don't back down, he insists I leave and then yells at me for "running away from our problems" when I do.

    I've either worked well over full-time or have been in college AND working both full-time. I payed for my stuff including more than my share of the bills. His paychecks that he gave me sat in my checking account until payments were due or he needed the money for his own personal spending. If I paid all of our bills and rent and he suddenly needed the money for something, he would go off on a tirade about how I was spending all of his money and insisted he was giving me $1200 a month when I was lucky if I got $300.

    Above all, he's the king of guilt-tripping and being a hypocrite, getting mad at me for stuff he's done to me a million times over and making me feel at fault most of the time for our problems.

    We've broken up three times: the first shortly after we started dating and he accused me of using him for a free place to stay while I was in the process of moving from a dorm to my new apartment in college and was only staying with him for two weeks (which he did so by writing a note and leaving for work before I got home from going to the bank one morning), another time after he told me I was worthless because I forgot to take money out of my checking account for him so he could pay his cell phone bill that was past due and shut off, and recently because I had enough after he spent all of his money buying a truck, guilted me into putting the insurance in my name when I told him I didn't want to, and then he went on vacation for a week with his friends giving me less than 48 hours notice he was leaving. I moved out after explaining to him my reasons for leaving and took my name off the lease and moved back in with my parents. I ignored his persistent calls and texts for a couple of weeks until I finally gave in and we attempted to sort trough this mess.

    So we've been trying to work things about, though it seems like we've been fighting more and more over the same stuff we always did. He says he feels neglected and lonely even though I see him more than I see my family and friends in addition to working and going to school full time. And while he has improved his own lifestyle (more so for his own benefit), he's still pretty much the same guy.

    Is it better to keep pushing ahead or to just end it once and for all?

  • Personally, I think the first thing to do is to have nothing to do with his finances now, he needs to learn to be responsible although it's evident he will never be able to save.

    When you take things away that someone puts the blame on you, they can not blame you can they.

    You have also seen first hand how your life will be, the living arrangements, conditions, you are expected to just be a "wife" not a partner and you are expected to be a "mother" not a partner. You are also expected to live for him, and not have a life, friends or otherwise.

    I think you really know the answer to this .



    • anti, he sounds very controlling and even violent. You can do better.

      I had an Anti-Nowhere League t-shirt in the mid-80's.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • Run away, run away. Don't waste time trying to fix boys who aren't capable of being a full and responsible partner. Look for men. They are out there.


        • What makes you stay with him? Is it worth the BS he is putting you through. Also sounds to me like he's either VERY insecure or has a guilty conscience. You seem very smart and level-headed. I think you know what needs to be done. Don't let this boy drag you down when you have so much potential. I think I am going to follow-up on your situation, because I feel I have a lot in common with you. Hope to hear some good news on this.



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