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Question on how to handle things after a fight.

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  • Question on how to handle things after a fight.

    Hi there!

    So let me start out by explaining the background on my relationship just a bit before I go into the issue.
    My boyfriend and I don't care that we go through each others messages, call logs, emails, facebook, etc. We're very open to each other. We recently moved to his home state and I have absolutely no one to talk to about things and talking to family just makes things more complicated and I don't want them thinking he's a jerk. Just last night he switched from his iPhone to his Android and he wanted me to clear out his messages and such. Knowing he was having issues with a friend that just...doesn't understand he's in a relationship, I read the messages between the two of them so I know he's not struggling with him and not mentioning it. OK! so..upon reading them a lot of it was about games, but then I got into some parts that seemed like my boyfriend was bashing me. Which, hurt my feelings. His friend had asked if they were ever going to hang out soon and my boyfriend had responded like, well just between you and me, Jenn doesn't like a lot of people shes not a people person. But then continues to say that they need to hang out soon. There are several other conversations just like this but most of them are just like the above stated. I'm confused, my feelings are hurt but I'm not sure they should be? But I texted him about it and he got ****ed off! I'm not sure why he's ****ed, I'd appreciate some insight. He was supposed to be home over an hour ago but maybe he's out clearing his head. Why HES mad I don't know. There are other issues but I'd like some advice!
    Thank you for reading my paragraph haha.


  • sense of humor too

    Most are sleeping now Jen.

    He's ****ed because he didn't stop to think when he asked you to clear out his mail, that he had stated things that you may not like.. It's called guilt

    Be assertive... And, say "look, you asked me to delete, off course we always have been open and off course, I am going to see things that you forgot about, it's no big deal but, I am only asking you why you feel that way that I don't like alot of people and am I stopping you catching up with your mates? "

    He needs to talk like an Adult, ask him to do so.. Communication is the biggest problem as no one knows exactly how to handle conversations otherwise. Talk calmly and tell him you are not peeved rather want to discuss it..


    • First you are in a New State and Town, so it takes time for you to meet new Friends .

      His friend had asked if they were ever going to hang out soon and my boyfriend had responded like, well just between you and me, Jenn doesn't like a lot of people shes not a people person.
      It may seem that you don't like allot of People, because you don't know any around there . Do you work ? Do you have hobbies that include other people ? Maybe you should get out in the "New World", join a Club or Class, get a Hobby, Volunteer somewhere .

      Sit down with him (as CW said ) and maturely tell him, you would like to meet some of his friends and their GF's and hang out together as a Group. Drop the hurt feelings of his text, he was most likely telling his friend that he was unsure of your Acceptance of his Friends and associating with new people. IE: Shy and possibly Reserved, being you being the " New Kid in Town ".

      And once you meet some friends, of his or even new ones of yours , make sure you both have " Buddy Nights " . Friday nights he can go out with his Buds, and you can go out with the Gals. Sat nights is You & He Night. Or visa versa.

      I know it's hard to start in a New town , but you might want to at least Try to Associate and make new Friends . If you don't like allot of People, you can be choosy and chose the ones you feel most comfortable with.
      He can't be your Only Friend and your only Contact and for you to depend only on him as your "Only Friend ". You will make him feel Isolated and yourself Isolated, he will end up having to Chose between you and his Buddies, which is never a Good thing .
      There can be a balance and you can strengthen your relationship by trying to include his friends and even any new ones you may make, into a Group of Friends to spend time with.

      So get out there, Holidays season is upon us here in ( USA ) Plan a small dinner party have him invite his friends. Be the Gracious Hostess, You may become a People Person after all .


      • "Knowing he was having issues with a friend that just...doesn't understand he's in a relationship, ..."


        Not quite sure what you meant by this, but it does sound like you have sent (and he has heard) that you don't support him spending guy time with his friends.

        I read your post from August and I understand that he doesn't do face-to-face conversations very well. However, this sounds like a conversation that should have been done in person when he got home rather than shooting him a text when he might have been in the middle of something requiring his concentration. I know I would take that very well.

        What you might put some though into, based on your August post, is why he struggles to have direct, face-to-face conversations and won't tell you how he's feeling. Most of it rests within him, but you may be contributing.

        Does he have trouble talking to other people?
        Do you have a tendency to overreact or withdraw when he raises his concerns?
        Do you tend to dominate or steer the conversation rather than listen?
        Does he come from a family that discourages complaining?

        Hope he came home and you worked things out.


        • hi Jenson..
          Whenever you had a fight with your boyfriend or any one else, You should try to calm down and stress-free yourself. You do the things that makes you feel light hearted. You read, watch feel-good movies, eat and sometimes sleep. It is not that easy to do so, therefore, it is the best to put in mind that holding a grudge for long is not good for one being.

          Hope you feel better now..
          Good luck


          • I appreciate the input and apologize for not responding sooner. I did talk to him after he came home about 2 hours later. We had a heart to heart and he understands that I got upset but he said the texts weren't meant to be hurtful. His friend that was persistent on hanging out, came over this past weekend and we all actually had a good time. In regards to his friends that have girlfriends and such, the friend that came over doesn't have a girlfriend. So..that's out of the question. His other friends that have girlfriends are the types that isolate themselves solely to their girlfriends. So, buddy night isn't really a go to thing unless its his friend Jared that comes over.. But I appreciate the idea! I do need friends here, it's becoming bothersome. His friend Jared actually contacted me after the weekend and made sure I was okay with him coming over and not intruding on anything. So I did talk to him a little bit As far as me not being a people person. Let me assure you, I am. I've just not had any opportunity to get to know anyone here yet. I haven't found a job yet either so it's stressing me out on top of everything else. His family are very nice people. They're very kind and aren't the type to really even fight. But, I know when I'm upset I do tend to jump the gun a little bit at first. But I'm sure a lot of people are like that. So the fight could've been avoided completely had I just calmed down a bit like Nethelia mentioned.
            Also, as far as my past post about my boyfriend not being confrontational, he really does struggle with it. It's hard to explain, but his sister and I have had a few conversations and told me he has always had a problem with it. I'm also unsure of how much this has made sense haha. BUT I tried to address everyones points they made.
            Things are getting better, and I'm painting again to keep my mind at ease as well as doing some holiday decor crafts. So, I appreciate that everyone has been so kind and even blunt about things to me. Sometimes pointing out my own flaws helps me overcome them. <3



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