Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.


No announcement yet.

How to deal until i can leave

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • How to deal until i can leave

    I am stuck in a relationship with my sons father. I want to leave but not until I'm ready financially, and prepared to deal with the problems that will arise once I leave (custody, lawyers, etc) How do I deal with the problems that are everyday without going crazy and blowing up?

  • What sort of problems are you dealing with?


    • It's very difficult when you come to a stance of realisation that you are not in a happy relationship yet, can't leave.. Alot of emotions are dealt with sometimes, even walking on egg shells around the other person and alot of alone time, to keep away.

      Finances I think should be the last thing you think of. Because, honestly, it will keep you there for a very long time and it will bring you down further and further as well as showing that depression to your child.

      Have you spoken out to family and friends? In my opinion, if you really can not stay any longer, you need to seek help, converse and share your concerns and go. Then work towards a future for you and your child and seek help regarding custody. If there is a good reason to leave, then there is good chances of gaining full custody. If not, un-fortunately when two people bring a child into this world then those people continue to look after that child, together regardless of seperation.

      Have you kept records in a diary of events? Is there a free counsel you can speak with just to get your head around everything?


      • There is never a "good time" to leave, cheat, steal or die, so what are you waiting for?

        If you are concerned for your physical safety the time to leave is the day after you have a restraining order in place.

        Mentally, it's probably more difficult for you trying to keep up a "phoney front" and pretend like everything is okay, then it would be to get out and stay out.

        You can't begin the healing and repair process by remaining in an unhealthy relationship.

        I'm sure you have friends, family or church members that would take you in for a few days/weeks. If nothing else, there is a shelter nearby where there are others in a like or similar place to where you are.


        • Thanks for the advice. Bit in all (embarrassing) honesty. This is our second go-round. The first time I left him and moved in with my father, who is about a hundred miles away. After about five months, he and I started talking again and decided we wanted to try and make things work.

          What sort of problems do I deal with? I am going to list them just to keep it short:

          1.) Limited help with our son. He refuses to bathe him/gets agitated when I ask to feed him...etc

          2.) Doesn't help with the house cleaning. He doesn't need to CLEAN anything actually, just take me into consideration by rinsing out a dirty dish when he's done/throwing away the empty wrappers, containers, cans he uses/put away his laundry after I've washed them and folded them...etc

          3.) He gets angry when I show the slightest bit of frustration, even if its not directed at him. He calls this an "attitude", although I never raise my voice, cuss, or call names. I just give a heavy sigh when I'm exasperated and he starts yelling at me and cussing.

          4.) He puts more of a priority on smoking his marijuana than anything else. Example: When our son was trying to take his first steps he told me to wait while he smoked. While he was outside smoking, our son took his first steps, and this upset me quite a bit. When I asked him, "Do you even care that he took his first steps?" He responded with, "Don't start on all that S!"

          5.) He constantly ignores me when I try to talk normally to him about important things like our relationship. Then says he doesn't want to talk because I am going to get an attitude. (Blames me for an attitude I don't even have)

          So, this is just the gist of it. I know I just look stupid because this is the second time I have gone back to him, but I just wanted to give him a second chance, give US a second chance to fix things and be a family. If we didn't have a son together I probably would've just stayed away, but family is so important to me, that I want to try. Now I am seeing things aren't going to work out. I need to prepare to leave yet again. The last time I left, I just LEFT. There was no preparation for it, and I don't want to go through that again. I just changed jobs for the second time because of this, I can't just pack up and leave again. I don't have family to go to. My dad's house is full because my uncle and his daughters just moved in because of their own problems. I have to prepare to move into my own place. And I am determined to keep this job. It's a good job with good pay and I need it for my son.

          There is no physical violence. Our fights haven't even been too explosive. We both have managed to give ourselves some space when we get mad, which is like every day. I can foresee where this is going, because I have been there. So preparing is the route I am going to go. The thought just overwhelms me. How do I prepare for this?


          • There is nothing stupid about establishing someone is not right for you.

            It's an awakening of the reality that you were not compatible. He's not ready for responsibilities of a child, or a relationship, rather he sounds like a drifter that expects a woman to do everything around the house, he's after companionship only.

            Determination is the only thing that makes someone successful, so keep being determined, work hard, ignore what's going on around you to remain focused and positive. You'll get there.


            • I guess what I am going to do to prepare is try to save what money I can. If an emergency situation comes up, I will be able to go to a hotel at least, although I don't plan on staying there long term because it would suck me dry financially. I have called a few shelters but most are for domestic violence/drug rehab and I am in neither of those situations. I would like to stretch out my stay here until tax returns come in then I will have a boost of money to get my own place.


              • You want to continue to expose your child to an adult who is a drug user...Really? If he's smoking marijuana, what else is he doing?

                This man is not a father, he's a sperm donor on drugs!

                Sorry to be so blunt but the laundry list you gave above sent up so many red flags for me that I'm out of fabric!! Come on. This is ridiculous!

                You'll need a lot more than a tax return if your sperm donor snaps and hits you or the child.

                Dr. Phil show is full of people whose spouses would never do such a thing...

                Stop making excuses and get out...soon, before you need to go to a domestic abuse shelter for domestic violence. And what about the emotional abuse that he appears to engage in frequently?

                Some experts believe that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse.


                • First , I would leave the " Relationship ", you don't have to leave the home if he's not violent, you can stay and wait for taxes or save extra money up to move when you can afford it .

                  I would straight up tell him that you are roommates only from now on. He is responsible for his own laundry, cleaning his own dishes, cooking his own meals, earning his own money. paying his own bills and choosing if he wants any true relationship with his son .

                  If he's going to smoke pot and be lazy and a non ~partner in raising your / his son, tell him you are not waiting on anything ,until he is finished getting High, life happens when it happens . Your son deserves better than being raised around a drug induced parent .

                  Move out of the bedroom,take all of your things Out, move into son's room , if needed sleep on couch . Give no more affection than you would a roomie.
                  Don't ask him permission to do anything, don't explain what you are doing or where you are going . Just act like he is a Room Mate.

                  Stop asking him to do anything. for you or his son . You will have to do things without him when you move to your own place anyway .
                  Clean up after yourself and your son, make meals for only you and son.Of course do the sanitary things around the house. But anything of the B/F's Messes, Just put in His Bedroom. Dirty Dishes , smelly laundry, Trash he left out . Don't throw it in there just gather everything up, put it in a trash bag and gently put it inside the door of HIS ROOM .

                  Do not get in arguments with him. If he yells, ask him not to yell at you and in front of your son . If he continues, take your son out, a walk or drive or whatever .

                  If he says you have an Attitude , calmly and only once, agree with him . Tell him it's a new one, one of not being Abused ( verbal is abuse ) not letting your son be Neglected and Abused ( yelling in front of him is abuse , so is slamming doors . So is a parent being under the influence of drugs ).

                  Explain that your son deserves to be raised by 2 loving and Responsible parents that have the Sons welfare at heart. You took a 2nd chance at having that kind of Family, and BF is not evidently on board with that .

                  So you will do what you have to to insure a great life for your son.
                  You are on the right track, wanting to move. But as long as Money is the only issue and physical Violence is not in the picture . You do not have to be in a " Relationship ".

                  If things get worse , you can always go back and talk to a Woman's Counselor and leave out the Diaper Changing, not doing chores and focus on his fathers Pot Habit and parental neglect/ abuse by not being a Drug Free parent ..



                  Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                  Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                  Latest Activity On Our Forums


                  Latest Topics On Our Forums