[soar101]

I have been involved with James for about 7 months now. We spend day and night together or talking every day. We have grown incredibly close and both say "I love you" on a daily basis. When we are apart, he constantly send "I miss you" texts. When he is out of town for work he mails me gifts/souvenirs from whatever city he is in. He adores me and I adore him. NOW- the problem....I want him to officially be called my "boyfriend"- I know its just a label, but you girls understand how important that is. He says entering an official "relationship" would be the end, that would be when things get bad. I know he has a terrible romantic history and so do I. He is dead set against it yet he won't let me go. We have been down this road before a few months ago- where I insist on a relationship and we have a huge ordeal only for me to go right back to him the next day. Well, last night we went down this road again and I told him I MUST have time apart. We got really in depth about things and he says I am "throwing him away" when I feel its HIM throwing me away since he won't do the one thing he KNOWS I need to be happy yet wants me to stick around. I told him all the things I think a relationship is. HE insists we already have all those things together. So then why won't he be my boyfriend? I am so utterly confused and I just KNOW he won't honor my no contact thing and will contact me today- even if its just an email to ask how I am. I really just do not know what to do. I feel I am losing my best friend because of my pride and I feel horrible. At the same time, if I stick around I feel I am just constantly beating myself up with worry that he just will one day meet someone else who he DOES deem worthy for a relationship and then my heart will shatter even more. Should I stay away from him or what should I do?? PLEASE HELP. My heart is breaking.

[Pollon]

soar101,

You are in a "relationship" and how you refer to him with others is a silly point for him to get worked up over. What does he want you to refer to him as? And are the two of you exclusive?

If you are at a party together and you introduce him to a girlfriend of yours as "my boyfriend" you are telling your girlfriend, "this one's mine." His resistance to that suggests he doesn't want to be seen as "taken." Is that his concern?

[soar101]

soar101,

You are in a "relationship" and how you refer to him with others is a silly point for him to get worked up over. What does he want you to refer to him as? And are the two of you exclusive?

If you are at a party together and you introduce him to a girlfriend of yours as "my boyfriend" you are telling your girlfriend, "this one's mine." His resistance to that suggests he doesn't want to be seen as "taken." Is that his concern?

Thanks for the reply. I think his main concern is he feels relationships are the death of love. He's had super bad experience with them and instead of learning from it that he was choosing the wrong partners, he instead learned to avoid relationships. He has said to me numerous times he doesn't care if I tell my friends he is my boyfriend- yet he won't REALLY be? It is all just so weird for me. I know I am pressing him hard and basically ended it last night all over a label........I am pretty certain he will write me to day as neither of us can seem to stay away from each other.....but I really want him to say he is my boyfriend.

[Pollon]

Sorry, that doesn't really make sense. "love" IS a "relationship" So is "love" the death of "love?" It sounds something like the space, the chase, the doubt, the uncertainty between the two of you is what helps him feel something (challenged, desired, attractive, excited, etc.). When things are decided, he loses the feelings. He associates "relationship" with certainty, dead, boring, done.

[soar101]

you are exactly right. THIS is exactly why I am feeling so tormented. None of it makes any sense to me either.

[Pollon]

Actually, now it makes sense.

Males men are drawn to "newness." They like/need a challenge, a goal, a new experience. They need a focus for their creative energy and imagination. He likes coming up with creative ways to "woooo" you. Boys never grow to realize that this doesn't result in something meaningful and lasting. A beginning is only a beginning and staying there won't get you to the end.

Men realize that it takes commitment to build something meaningful and eternal. Men learn that you have to leave the new, become familiar, build, grow and nurture to get to the end (particularly in relationships). That doesn't eliminate their need for newness, but rather than new women, they meet that need through new experiences and growth. They can also get their fix from work and other pursuits.

Does your guy have a history of bailing out (of work and/or relationships) when he gets bored? Or feels he's not succeeding?

[soar101]

YES! He has a history of short lived relationships. He had ONE 8 year relationship that was on and off and extra super crazy. then nothing but short lived things since. And YES he seems to have a problem with "commitment" of all forms- likes to move apartments a lot, etc. Hmmmm....now you are really making me think.