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What is he thinking???

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  • What is he thinking???

    My boyfriend of 5 months recently broke up with me due to trust issues on my part. Since the breakup we have had several meetings, have been in contact via text and phone. When I don't text him, he texts me. He decided that we should remain friends and see each other casually. Neither of us have sought out new relationships, but there has been no mention of reconcilation, to speak of. I sent him a text that said that I was glad that I didn't lose him as a friend and I hope someday we could be more. His response was "You never know ma". When we see each other and it is time to leave, he always kisses me (passionately) and since the breakup there has been no mention of intimate contact although I know we both want it! He has been very respectful and careful not to send mixed signals about where our relationship stands right now. I think he is testing me to see how I will react in this situation. Any help or advice is appreciated...He knows I want to get back together but I'm not sure where he stands. I am very careful about making assumptions at this point. Assumptions are what got me in this position! Please tell me how men think...I'll be 40 in two weeks and still have no clue about them!

  • Most of the time, we don't...we react to whatever is in front of us at the moment.

    IMO - He is testing you. Based on what you stated above, if true, he appears to still have some pretty strong feelings for you but it's the TRUST issues of the past that linger... I'm not sure what you mean by 'trust issues' but I assume that you did something that broke the bond of trust that he had with you...ie. Cheat, Lie, etc.

    For most men, trust is huge! Huge with our buddies, huge with our family and huge with those we love and care about...like he cares about you. So you will need to accept the fact that you crashed the 'emotional car', he didn't, and be patient about being anything more than friends.

    Frankly, I think he's jerking your chain a bit too and/or playing with your emotions by "kissing you passionately" when you part. Who kisses a 'friend' passionately? Nobody. So if I were you, I'd stop that too. If you don't, he will continue to play with your emotions and that's not fair. Either you're friends or you're lovers.

    Make NO assumptions at this point other than he remains your friend and that's it.

    I would recommend that you also be a bit hard to get...don't always be willing to meet him or do things with him or whatever. Even if it means you're "busy" on Friday night (watching tv) you can stay busy while watching tv.

    Since the dawn of time, many of us men have preferred the 'hunt' or 'pursuit' more than the 'kill' or the 'bargain'. So allow yourself to be pursued again... Don't make it so easy. Easy to say, tough to do...I know.

    Date - yes, go out on dates with other men (where they pay and you are appreciated) and never settle for less than you deserve.

    "If you chase a dog they will think it's a game and keep running, but if you stop, make eye contact, turn and head for home, they will eventually follow, if they ever intended to return" Think about it.

    I wish you the best with your situation.


    • It sounds like you didn't trust him. Were you possessive and making false accusations?? Did this come from a past relationship where a partner cheated on you and now you feel all men are the same way?

      It's hard to overcome trust issues when you have faced them before. But, you can't make one person pay for another persons mistakes. (Ironically, I just wrote about this in the plot of a fictional book, but it's true) If you don't trust someone and question their every move, it's hard to want to build a relationship full of doubt and inquisitions. It sounds like he cares for you, but is reluctant to become involved. Can you elaborate on where the trust issues span from?


      • He decided
        If you allow a man to make all the decisions, this means you can not stand up for yourself of what you want.

        You are totally allowing him to be free to talk to you, see you, kiss you, when ever he wants.

        I would suspect there is no further intimacy because the moment he does, you will assume That, you are back together and I suspect that if the trust issues are you not trusting him and this has entered the relationship one too many times, he cares deeply for you but has cut ties of anything possibly going further.

        I would work on my trust issues and confidence. It's funny, when you have no in-securities other than small ones, you change, become assertive and un-attainable unless you want...

        If a man knows he can call, see, kiss. Where is the adventure?


        • Thank you for your response...The trust issues that I referred to stemmed from some "lies by ommission" that I caught him in. Once I found out about these I flipped out and said some pretty harsh things. Accused him of being a liar and cheater. And yes these trust issues haunt me from my marriage of 10 years. (My ex husband cheated and left), so in my mind I thought, "if my husband, who is the father of my children and the one who made vows to me can cheat and lie, then why wouldn't my boyfriend who I've only been dating for a minute.

          Neway, since this post I have not gone out of my way to contact him, and lo and behold, guess who's initiating the contact?? In fact when he did text me yesterday to "see if I was ok" I responded , "Yes, I'm fine, Y". He said, "I havent heard from you all day." I let him know at that point that I was giving him his space and I didn't want to smother him. He told me that I'm not smothering him and he wants to know that I'm ok. Today I did not contact him and he called me and wanted to see me. I did not make myself available, told him that I had an appointment and couldn't neet up with him today. We are both off from work tomorrow, so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

          But your point about the hunter, huntee is right on point. It seems the more I don't persue him, the more he persues me.

          I just want to know if I'm holding onto something that isn't going to happen or from a man's standpoint, do you see us reconciling??


          • Reconciling, if it is oever going to happen will take time. Based on the things you apparently said to him, and no man likes to be compared with or viewed on the same level as an ex, your situation may take longer.

            Time will tell where this is headed and when. What you do in the mean time is up to you.

            Be patient. Be kind. Be wise and don't be played (no passionate kissing...friend).

            Go out on other dates too. It may make some things very clear about your most recent "will we ever reconcile" ex (good or bad).

            Yes, everything really does happen for a reason...



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