[azalea]

This has been causing me anxiety for months now. I was really hoping it would be a passing thing that would fade away, but it's still a burden.

My boyfriend and I have been together happily for two years. We live together and never fight, we have an occasional misunderstanding or disagreement, but that's about it. He is a wonderful guy, and he's done so much for me, and we tell each other every single day about how much we love each other. We have many hopes and dreams for the future, and I really hope we stay together.

Our burden is our differences in our desire to have kids in the future. He's almost 30 now, and he was hoping to be a parent by age 32. Family is the single most important thing in the world to him, and he could never give up his dream to have kids. The problem is, I'm 110% the opposite. I NEVER EVER wanted kids, I'm scared to death of the idea of having and raising kids. The topic would have never even crossed my mind if it weren't for him. He's expressed fear about what would happen if he stayed with me, because it could mean no family for him. He said he worried that he may have to leave me soon to find someone who would have a family with him. That broke my heart, and he's since taken it back and said he didn't mean it, but I admit it made me very scared and uncomfortable. Everything else about our relationship is wonderful... but that fear has been lingering ever since. I haven't wanted sex for months, I haven't felt nearly as "infatuated" with him as I used to be. I even gave up on taking birth control, because I just lost my desire for sex. He's been amazingly patient and understanding, and doesn't mind the lack of sex one bit. But whenever it comes to our talks about the future and family, the conversation never feels comfortably resolved for either of us.

So onto the "crush"....

We have a mutual friend who is a wonderful guy, and he often confides in my boyfriend and I about his problems with finding a girlfriend. We talk to him and support him, and try to give him advice. It drives me crazy that he can't find a girlfriend, because I think he's completely attractive and charming. I'd love to see him get a great girlfriend... but when he started seeing a girl, I got this weird feeling. I felt happy, heartbroken and jealous all at the same time. I felt protective of him, and when she left him in the dust, it drove me crazy seeing him hurt. I desperately wanted to reach out to him and hold him, touch him, comfort him, and be with him. But I didn't say anything about my feelings... I just kept trying to support him as a friend.

The more he kept popping up in my mind the more I realized I have an obnoxiously persistent crush. I thought they were passing feelings at first. Maybe it's because I'm scared and uncertain about my relationship... but this stupid crush hasn't gone away. I haven't said anything to my boyfriend, because I don't want him to panic, and I don't think it means the end of our relationship... it's just something I need to overcome in my head. I know that a guy I have a crush on could not possibly compare to the guy who has loved and supported me for two years. He's not a threat to our relationship.... but it still really bothers me. I've been looking it up and reading stories from people with the same problem. Some people say that crushes are normal in long term relationships.... but I still feel so terrible, and so uncomfortable with it. Why on earth do I have a crush on someone, when I love my boyfriend so much? How do I make a crush go away?

My boyfriend and I hang out with this friend every week. We're both very close with him. I thought that it might be a good idea if I stopped seeing my friend... but then both him and my boyfriend would probably feel sad, and suspicious. He's one of my best friends and I would hate to lose him.... but how else do I get over my crush on him? I considered talking to him and telling him, "You're a very important friend and I don't want to lose that, but I'm having some trouble, and it might be best if we don't hang out for a while" but I think it's probably best if I don't tell him about my feelings... that would probably just make it complicated. I thought that maybe some time away from my boyfriend might make me miss him and really want to be with him, but we live together, and I don't really have the money to travel by myself.

I have a bunch of questions about this, like: How do I make my crush go away? Is this really unusual? Should I stop communicating with my friend until my crush on him goes away?

Thank you so much for reading my long post. This has just been a burden for months, and I really appreciate you taking the time to listen. I haven't had anybody to talk to about it.

[Harmony]

I see a couple of issues here. If I have read your post properly you don't state your own age, though I am guessing you're slightly younger than your boyfriend? It sounds as if you and your boyfriend are in, or at least were, in a good place relationship wise. The problems seem to have been caused because you do not (currently) share the same goals. You therefore cannot see yourself starting a family with him in a couple of years' time, and he has warned you that his plans for the future are so important to him he may have to find someone else to fulfill his plan with. You say he's "taken this back", but we know something as 'strong' as this is pretty hard to retract and would have left a longer lasting imprint on your emotions, which is probably where this crush stems from.

As I said, my guess is you're a bit younger than him and there is a good chance (though it's not definite) that your body clock will kick in and you will want to start a family in the future (maybe with him), but when your ready, not when he's ready to tick a date on his calender. This is something the two of you will need to have a chat about; no-one likes having deadlines imposed on them, especially when they pertain to someone else's regime yet have a rather significant impact on your own life.

The reason I mention all of this is because you have probably - since this 'difference of opinion' - either consciously or unconsciously put some emotional distance between the two of you in order to protect yourself should he follow through with his threat of finding someone else to start a family with. I can't blame you.

You describe your feelings for this 'other man' as a crush, which is defined as a brief or intense infatuation for someone. I can't blame you for looking around at other men, since he's rocked the relationship to its very foundations by telling you that he may leave you because your view on having children doesn't coincide with his own life plan. You probably see this other man as a being free from emotional ties and uncomplicated in terms of future commitment. You mention nothing of loving him, or even thinking you love him, which is, I think a good thing. In terms of working through this crush I think the first thing would be to have a pretty frank discussion about where you both see yourselves in a couple of years.

There is a good chance that his comment about finding someone else was just a thoughtless and heat of the moment comment, but it's much harder to undo damage than it is to do it, so he needs to prove this to you by making you feel secure in the relationship again. Once that happens and the intimacy and security is restored you'll probably have forgotten about the 'other guy'.

[azalea]

Thank you for your response and for being so understanding, Harmony. You're right, I'm younger than him, I'm only 24. I've seen 25 and 26-year-olds around me start families, but that's WAY too young for me. People have told me for years that the "maternal instincts" will kick in someday and I'll want kids, but it hasn't happened yet. My fear of family is very deep rooted, and goes back to my own upbringing, so it's VERY hard to shake.

I know he didn't mean to hurt me when he said he might leave. He wasn't angry when he said he thought he may have to find someone else, he was very sad and sincere. It breaks his heart to have to think about choosing between me and having a family, but he worried that he will have to leave me soon to find the right person to have a family with. He took it back later and said that I'm too important to him to just leave like that, and that he's staying... but I know a future with a family is more important to him than anything. If we stayed with me, and the years ticked by with no family, him leaving might be inevitable.

I'm definitely not "in love" with my crush, although I love him sincerely as a close friend. Crush or not, he is a very important person in my life. If it weren't for that, I would just stop seeing him, but he is one of my best friends. He is going through a hard time in life, and I love to make him smile and laugh when I can, it warms my heart. It's possible that my fondness for him as a friend has amplified my feelings of affection towards him, but I have absolutely no intention of pursuing him. He is having a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend and he lacks confidence, and it kind of drives me crazy, I wish I could assure him that he really is attractive and desirable.

I hope that time will unravel the uncertainties with my boyfriend. I wish that it was about something more simple than the future of our families... it's such a profound issue for both of us and raises a lot of questions. We're so compatible in every other possible way.

[Harmony]

They say love will find a way...

I think it's great you're looking out for your friend, and there's nothing wrong with that. The crush will remain harmless if, as you say, things remain the way they do and you do not pursue things.

I think compromise is what is currently needed with you and your BF. I would be surprised if you hadn't at least given serious consideration to having children by your late twenties. Becoming a dad in your mid to late thirties is no big deal at all. I don't think he's being unreasonable by at least wanting a vague indication of whether you'll start a family with him in the future so he knows he isn't wasting his time, but if the two of you are, as you say perfectly suited in every other way then he should know that he stands a better chance of securing future happiness by compromising and working on his current relationship. It's not easy to just go out and find someone (else) who is perfect for you in almost every way. He should also realize that in order to provide his children with the best possible mother, he needs to let you wait until you are both ready, not just him. I do believe imposing deadlines helps increase productivity in ones life in general, but starting a family should not be something prompted by a deadline which has been imposed by one partner onto the other.

I hope everything works out for you (three ;-)

[Pollon]

Azalea,

If you are 110% opposed to having children and he holds children as an extremely important goal, the loving thing is to let him go. He may have "taken it back," but in your heart you know that is not realistic. No one gets to the age of 29 wanting children and then changes his mind because his girlfriend's feelings got hurt. There are a number of possible outcomes if you stay together but unless one of you has a major and voluntary change of heart they are all potentially bad for everyone.

WARNING: What follows is some serious psychoanalytic gymnastics. Take it for what it is worth.

Most men get turned on by porn and without some decent impulse control and/or an available girlfriend, they would jump the nearest willing girl. Most women, on the other hand, are more turned on by romantic relationship dramas and would at least consider making out with the nearest willing and acceptable guy.

Your crush sounds like it is getting ginned up by the live romantic relationship drama playing out in your living room. And since the availability of your boyfriend is diminished by the distance between you created by the "child" issue, you are conflating the feelings provoked by the drama with the object itself (this guy). The more you are invested in the story, the more the feelings will be stoked.

You obviously have some impulse control, so if you can channel those feelings toward your boyfriend at the intermissions, then take advantage of them. However, if you have any impulse control problems, don't let yourself be alone with this guy.

If this resonates at all with you, I might have a suggestion for tamping it down.

Good luck

[dipadas022]

I think you go with your boy friend. Because your crash is for some days. Your love is your boy friend.

[azalea]

I will most certainly stay with my boyfriend. Crush does not compare to love at all. I simply feel guilty that the crush exists and wish I could make it go away. The crush has lasted for months now and I'm just struggling to end it. I adore my boyfriend, and I am beyond lucky to have him, but I think there are some deep-seated issues that burden us and make us uneasy.

If anybody has any good advice on how to stop crushing on someone, I'd really appreciate it :] Attraction is such a weird thing that seems to have a mind of its own.

[justlost]

Azalea, so are you still with your bf or did you ever act on things with your crush?