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Boyfriend needs more space than me

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  • Boyfriend needs more space than me

    So, we've been dating 4 months and mostly, he is wonderful. Kind, handsome, generous, hard working, a family man. The only thing is, when we're not together, he never calls me unless he has something to ask me. We text but sometimes it feels as if he were just talking to a friend. He rarely says anything emotional, we just chat about how our day is going. He says that its just the way he is and it doesnt reflect how he feels about me. He mentions marriage etc and appears committed to me. He says he feels very close to me, and usually he gets annoyed with a girl if he spends lots of time with her, but not me. He's not had many relationships and has been quite happy single in the past. So it seems like he just has a different 'threshold' for closeness than me.

    I'm used to being very close to a boyfriend, calling before bed etc, because you want to hear each others voice. So it upsets me that he's not bothered. I know I could speak to him about it more but I don't want to change him and anyway he should be calling/being more affectionate because he wants to, not because I've asked him. Do you think I will get used to it over time? Because I don't want to be in a relationship that's not right, sometimes I think we're not compatible. But this is literally the only thing, everything else is great. So should I learn to compromise? All the exes I had who were very attentive and affectionate, I ended up getting bored of anyway!

  • Originally posted by sarcasticfantastic View Post
    Do you think I will get used to it over time?
    I do not. I think you will struggle with it for the rest of your life if you marry him. He may even try to change, but he probably won't. Nobody's perfect, though. Anybody you get with will be different from you to some extent. Some of that is what makes life interesting. But lack of emotion is a big red flag. Are his other qualities worth settling for a lack of affection for life? I'd think hard. That's the stuff that unhappiness, frustration and divorce are built on.

    It's probably the way he was raised. He'll probably be unaffectionate with your children if you ever have any. If so, your children will likely take after him to some extent. It doesn't make him bad. He'd probably be thoroughly satisfying to a woman like himself.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • Thanks for the message. I probably didn't make it clear that he's only distant/unaffectionate via text. In person he is very loving. He's just not a phone/text person. This is why I'm confused about whether its a big deal. He's amazing with kids so no worries there

      Comment


      • Originally posted by sarcasticfantastic View Post
        I probably didn't make it clear that he's only distant/unaffectionate via text.
        That is the hugest difference in the world! Now I sympathize with him. I'm the most affectionate guy with my wife, but I don't like chatting on the phone and definitely can't stand a whole lot of texting. My wife could be right around the corner or sitting in the driveway and she'll want to talk on the phone. It drives me up a wall.

        I'm not minimizing your desires. But that's just not a big deal to me. I take back every single thing I said in the above post.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

        Comment


        • Most men, myself included, communicate for the purpose of accomplishing something. Guys generally don't go out for coffee with other guys just connect through talking the way women do. When we meet there is an agenda. Texting and talking on the phone for no other purpose then to "connect" is similar and can be annoying if we are in the middle of something else.

          So don't take it personally and certainly don't make a big deal out of it. He might categorize you as too "needy" for his taste.

          Comment


          • [QUOTE]But this is literally the only thing...[QUOTE]

            The ONLY thing? You mentioned several really, so I'm a bit confused...

            1. he never calls me unless he has something to ask me...
            2. We text but sometimes it feels as if he were just talking to a friend...
            3. He rarely says anything emotional...
            4. He mentions marriage etc and appears committed to me...

            I could go on.

            IMO - This guy is not the guy for you, or as my grandmother use to ask me...."It's the best it's ever going to be, right now, is that good enough for you?"

            Comment


            • 16 weeks, talking about marriage is to me a big no no .

              Lust is still very present and how do you know someone inside out at 16 weeks, as to your question "space" and then "text messages" even you are confused.

              Go with the flow, enjoy your new relationship, get to know each other deeply over time.

              If clingy wasn't for you in the past then reserved is confusing for you but you like it.

              Don't question at all or you will end up the clingy one...

              Enjoy
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • Thanks for the opinions, lots to think about! I like the bit about its the best its ever going to be now (its the beginning, we have no responsibilities etc, so that's true). I think perhaps I have some kind of attachment issue as well and should work on feeling secure without the need for an intense relationship. I've always been the one who is stronger, with the guy being more clingy, so this is new to me. I'll take some time to work out whether its good new or bad new

                Thanks!

                Comment


                • You know, unless we try different things in life, we never get to find out who we are and what we want out of life.

                  But when we do, we are secure and assertive Don't stress it, go with it and see if that is a better "type" for you, as those who were clingy you continued to walk from so obviously that is a type you kept going for but don't really like.

                  Perhaps you are just finding yourself, that's all.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment

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