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Fiance is very cheap, need help.

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  • Fiance is very cheap, need help.

    My boyfriend of 3 years, and now fiance of two months is very cheap towards me and it is bothering me and upsetting me more and more everyday. I can't believe I let it go on for this long and now I don't know what to do. I need advice!

    When we started dating 3 years ago we had very different situations. I had just finished classes of my second year in college and had gotten a summer job at a company where I worked full time and made good money. He however was out of a job and really struggling with money, so I didn't mind not going out that much, or that when we did I would pay. He was finally able to get a job that summer, and ended up moving back in with his parents because all of his money was going toward rent for living in a house with his friends. I figured that since he no longer had to pay rent, utilities, and food bills anymore that he would finally have money and not have to worry about it. In September of that year I stopped working full time and was taking classes again, but still working part time, so I was still making money but not as much. At that time he was only working, not going to school. Last year he started going back to school again, so we are both in the same boat with working part time and going to school full-time, and we both live at home, however I do not work at the same place I used to and make even less money now. I guess over the last few years I have failed to notice or say anything, but I have found myself ALWAYS either paying for both of us when we go out, or at least for myself. It has really started to bother me, especially because he makes a little more than double what I make. He also does not have as many expenses as I do. I am very lucky that I am able to live at home rent free while I am in college and I drive the same car I did in high school that my parents paid most of for me, but I still need to buy things such as some food, toiletries, birth control, clothes, gas, oil changes and other things for my car, and put some money towards paying for school. The only things he pays for are gas and his car insurance which together is about $350 a month. He never buys food, bathroom stuff, clothes, or anything for school, his parents pay all of that for him. When I try to get him to go shopping with me or get him to buy himself new clothes he's says no I don't need them, even though he's been wearing some of the same stuff he's had since high school (he's now 24). I finally realized that he just continues wearing these things until his parents offer to buy him new clothes and shoes, etc. So he won't spend his own money on anything like that, but will spend hundreds of dollars on things like health books, health programs, health supplements, and self help programs and tools that are supposed to teach you how to earn more money. But when I say we should do something like go out on a date, get lunch, go to the movies, go out to the bar when our friends are going, I always get the same response like "I have no money, I'm so broke right now, I can't spend any money, I really have to save money," etc. I would usually just be like oh okay we don't have to go out or whatever, but over the last year I've just become so fed up with us never going out or doing things that couples do that I feel like I have to beg him to go out, and then a lot of the time the only way I can get him out is if I offer to pay, which has clearly been a big mistake. I thought the more generous I was with him, the more generous he would be with me, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. It seems like it's been a decline of him becoming cheaper and cheaper and me giving more and more. On occasions like Christmas or my birthday he would buy me things that were nice and thoughtful, but never spent a lot of money, which was fine with me, even though I always spent a lot more on his presents than he did on mine. However, this year, on my 21st birthday he got us concert tickets to a band I love, and on my birthday told me he would get us a hotel near where they were playing, even though as he stated it would be expensive. When he said that about it being expensive I felt kind of bad and said I would pay for half of the hotel, and he was like oh no you don't have to do that, but a few days later took me up on the offer. A few weeks later I asked him if he had booked the hotel yet and he said no, so I started looking at hotels, and a few weeks before the concert I said we should probably book it then, and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. I was like well you said we were going to get a hotel for the night there and he was like what? no that's a lot of money we'll just drive home. I was really disappointed but didn't want to argue about it as I felt I shouldn't be arguing about a birthday gift, but I just felt like it was really mean of him to do. Then the concert ended up getting cancelled and he got refunded the $120 he spent on it. He said well your birthday present can be that we go to this restaurant, and I said okay, even though I was thinking that was kind of a weird present, it should have been somewhere he took me on my actual birthday, not my whole entire present. I asked him about when we were going to go a few times, but we never did, and my birthday was in April so basically he got me nothing for my 21st birthday, which was pretty ****ty in my opinion, but I have never had someone act like this in my life, so I didn't know how to bring it up. My friends told me to stop offering to pay for both of us when we go out and to not say anything about paying, but then he will put me on the spot about who is paying, and so now I just end up paying for myself, which I wouldn't mind, but it's like seriously I have paid for me AND you so many times. He asked me to marry him 2 months ago and did give me a beautiful ring (that his dad lent him the money for). I thought that maybe now that we are engaged he would be more generous towards me, and act more like a team/couple. But no, we went to the movies the other night, and I assumed he would pay for me, since this was basically the first time we had gone on any type of date since we got engaged, and since I paid for both of us the last 2 times we went to the movies, but as we were about to get to the front of the line to pay he asks me, so how are we doing this? I wasn't sure what he meant, and said doing what? He replied, how are we paying for this? What I should have said was you can pay this time, but I felt so put on the spot and caught off guard that I said I don't know, what do you think? and he was like let's just pay for ourselves. I gave him a dirty look because I was hurt, and he said I think you paid for me last time right? and I said yes, so he said oh yeah, well I'll treat you to something sometime. I know that is probably never going to happen. I feel bad for feeling so resentful, but I am just so hurt at this point that I feel like it is going to ruin our relationship if it keeps going on like this. I don't know if he is truly clueless or if he knows he is being an ************. I think I let it go on and didn't let it bother me for so long because he really is a sweet and caring person in pretty much every other aspect. He will make anything, clean anything, or do pretty much anything for me as long as it does not involve money. When it comes to money he is a completely different person and I don't know why, but it is not a person that I like. I am going to talk about it with him later today, but I have never had to have a conversation like this before, and don't even know how to go about it. I don't want to be hurtful or resentful. Can anyone give me some advice on how to go about this or if you have been in a similar situation? Thank you. I'm sorry this is incredibly long but I wanted it to be clear!

  • You seem to be saying that he is generous in most ways other than finances. If so, that is great. He probably has a number of healthy and unhealthy beliefs about money that effect his behaviors (we all do). However, since you are now engaged and finances are an extremely important area of a marriage, you need to have an open discussion about money. You can approach it like this. Meet with him and say.

    "Now that we're engaged, we really need to talk about how we are going to handle our money. Do you think we should co-mingle our money? How much money do you think we should be able to spend without having to consult each other? Should we have separate accounts? If so, who should pay for what? Do you see money as yours and mine or ours?"

    You could also add, "I've noticed that you are very frugal with your money. What do you think about creating a budget together?"

    Try to let him answer the questions before you say anything and pay very close attention to what he ACTUALLY says rather than what you hope he is saying. For many men, money is about power and it can be very difficult for them to give it up. His refusal to do so, is probably a good indicator of whether he views you as an equal in the marriage and a predictor of how he will handle things when you have disagreements in your marriage.

    You haven't mentioned your plans for the future, but you might want to be clear about what his expectations are for you with regard to work. And what if you plan to stay at home with your future children.

    Whatever his beliefs about money, don't expect them to change easily. It could be that he is just very frugal in a responsible way so he can save for bigger things or he could just be cheap. It's important to know what they are, if they are changeable and determine if you can live with them. Negotiate as much of this as you can BEFORE saying "I do." If will be much harder afterward.

    Good luck

    Comment


    • Different people have different ideas about how much of their income should be saved, how much money to spend on things the enjoy as opposed to necessities, etc. The extreme misers or extreme spendthrifts are an obvious problem. Even in-between those extremes, reasonable people can disagree.

      As Pollon said, the best thing to do is really sit down and discuss finances. If you are getting married, you will most likely combine money (not doing so leads to all sorts of problems), and its best to understand now what you each expect. Most likely once you each understand the other's viewpoint, you can work out a reasonable arrangement. If not though, neither of you may be "wrong", its just that your ideas of how to handle money are very different - in that case you need to see if there is a compromise that will work for marriage.

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