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do men who ACTUALLY want children exist?

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  • do men who ACTUALLY want children exist?

    my best friend and i are starting to think they dont lol! i got into a conversation with my bf of 8 months last night about kids...it came up as him joking around saying he doesnt want them, but since he jokes 99.9% of the day about everything, i couldnt tell if he was serious and it became an actual conversation. he said he doesnt want them because he is selfish, but he knows he will have them one day. he means selfish in that he wants to have his money to spend on other things that are fun, not diapers. which i understand. but he is 28, most of his friends are married and some have kids, and i just wonder if he is scared of the unknown or if he really doesnt have a desire for them. he claims he will cause you are supposed to, but do i really want the father of my children to have them because society says so? he says he doesnt NOT want them, but he has trouble saying for certain "yes i cant wait to have kids in the future." lol my best friend thinks its a guy thing...they cant look into the future and see what they will want then, which is understandable. but i am a very nurturing/mothering person, and ive always imagined myself with a man who actually does have a desire to have kids one day. as our relationship continues, will my bf and i grow together, and as he gets older, things will just happen naturally? we love each other so much and make each other so happy, and i really want to be with him. but i am worried we are too different. family is the most important thing to me, and apparently living lavishly and commitment free is to him :/

  • My husband and I knew that we wanted children, but he was indecisive about when. Yes, I think it is the fear of the unknown. Our boys are now 14 and 15. Is he a good father. No, he is an Excellent father. There is nothing in this world he wouldn't do for them. He has tons of patience with them. He has been actively engaged in every aspect of their life from diapering them, to getting the oldests car ready for him to learn to drive. His life revolves around them, and so does mine. My point, even though your BF may have reservations, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't be a great father and love every minute of it.

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    • Some do, but not all. This is desperately important: you need to have a serious discussion with him to be sure that your desires here are compatible. This is a place where compromise is difficult - you can't "sort of" have children. It is the most important decision in your lives. Children make some people wonderfully happy, and some miserable.

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      • "Desperately important" is the most accurate way you can put it - most folks want to put some serious time into a relationship before having kids, and rightfully so, but a woman's only got so many reproductive years. How many years do you feel comfortable "wasting" on a man who doesn't want children? Is he saying he's not sure because the answer is NO but you're not ready to hear it (or he's not ready to say it,) or because he's really not sure?

        You asked, "do i really want the father of my children to have them because society says so?" Maybe, maybe not. What kind of father do you want your kids to have? Expectations for fathers are quite different than they were a generation ago - my FIL never changed a diaper, didn't babysit, and nobody felt there was anything wrong with that. My husband on the other hand is my equal partner, changes more diapers than I do, cares for the baby while I go out and get a break. What kind of partner do you want?

        The kind of guys who want to be fathers are out there. One of the hardest parts of a healthy relationship is knowing when it's supposed to be over. If your boyfriend is telling the truth about his family plans ... it might be nearing that time.
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        • Also, if it turns out you have different ideas on children, try to remember that its not anyone's "fault" that things had to end. Some perfectly reasonable people do not want children, some do. It sounds like no one has made any promises yet - so there is no one to blame.

          Again, don't just wait and hope it will work out - for all you know he is hoping it will all work out, but in the opposite direction.

          Sadly my guess from what you are saying is that he does not want children - the men I have known who did, were very clear their interest in a family.

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          • It sounds like he is being honest about his selfishness. Look at the rest of his life. Does he give of himself to you, his family, to friends, to charity? I believe, that by the time a guy reaches 28, he knows if he WANTS to have children. He may be squishy on when (after some money, a job, a house, some travel, etc.) but he knows if he wants them or not. As others have said, the is extremely important and you don't want to waste your time with someone who is on a radically different trajectory than yours.

            You are in a tough spot because he seems to have trouble being direct. So when you get to the point of telling him this isn't going to work out because you want children and he doesn't, he may give you vague promises or claim he was just joking in order to keep you (more of his selfishness).

            Good luck.

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            • When I was dating, I had the opposite problem...I couldn't find a guy who didn't want kids I don't want kids so it was very important for me to find a guy who didn't want them either...so I understand your dilemma. Some people will disagree, but I think a lot of men don't really hit maturity until their 30s and this is when they make up their minds about big decisions like having children. If you truly love each other, I'd give him some more time and see where the relationship goes before giving him an ultimatum. I would think that in a year or two he will know for sure (if you can wait that long!). Of course, being a female you have the biological clock to worry about while he doesn't so you should bring that up when it you decide to have that serious talk with him.

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              • I've never heard of a man that doesn't want kids. I don't, so it makes dating hard for me.

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                • My 26 Y/O son does Not want kids, he is still a Virgin, has only had 1 girlfriend, when he was 16-17. She wanted sex ( she was 16 ) he said no, he wasn't ready, the more he said no, the harder she tried.
                  Finally he broke up with her,because she kept pressuring him .

                  Then he ran into her 3 or so years later and she had 2 kids and 1 on the way . He just says he feels so Lucky to have stood by his choices not to be sexually active.

                  The reasons he gives for not wanting kids.

                  1) The Expense .
                  He says, he does not want to raise or be responsible for another life, that could have to be raised in Poverty or have to go without. Have medical issues or lifelong financial responsibility if a special needs child.
                  If he loses his job, he only has himself to worry about, where to live, have food on his plate.

                  2) The Needy Bratty Stage.
                  My son will literally cringe and walk out of a store or restaurant, even Mc Donald's ,which has a kids play area, if he hears a kid scream , whine, throw a fit or a parent yell or scream at their kid.

                  Now I must be fair about this. My son Likes kids, well behaved ones. I have asked him and he has said. That it is possible that he may Date or Marry a woman that has a Child ( not 2-5 kids ) One Child.. But that child must be past the Screaming, Pouting, throwing fits stages. So in his book, 8-9 years old would be OK . But he does not want any of his own for reasons above.

                  He has said, when he chooses to Date, he will be upfront and honest about his views and wishes. He will not him and haw about it,he will discuss it and let the woman know how he feels. This way, he says , she will not be wasting her time on hoping he will change his mind.

                  My son does not Drink, Smoke, use any Drugs, Recreational or otherwise. He feels that is how allot of men get " snagged " into being a Father when they really don't want to be one. Those Men are after Sex and not really thinking with the " Correct Head". lol

                  He has stated that he will get a Vasectomy when he does find that Special Woman, if before age 30 .(Condoms fail, Pills fail) . So as to make sure there are no " accidents ". He actually is planning to get one when he turns 30. This he says is so if he ever does date and look for a mate, he will be able to be Honest from the Start and if the woman has plans on kids, she will know ahead of time, they will not be from him .

                  Do I question my sons choices ?
                  I used to, but now I respect his Choices. The Economy is Terrible, Children are raised in Poverty, Families and Family values are in the Gutter ( for the most part ) .When the parents break up, there is a Custody fight, Children are used as " Pawns ".

                  I did not raise him " religious ", but he has been raised in most of the Spectrum's of Economy. From Has to Has Not, from Homeless to Comfortable. We as a Family have Struggled and his wish is to never go through that again, not in his realm . He has survived, the Father/ Step father abandonment.
                  This was on me and my Choices I made in the past . My Mistakes ( not my birth of my Kids ) were something even I learned the hard way .

                  He has learned from " Experience " . I should say Our Experiences as we are a Family and my kids were too young to make their own Choices for their Future . Now they can make them for themselves.

                  To answer your Question..
                  There may be some men out there that are unsure,they may wait until they are faced with the " Issue " is She's pregnant, what do I do ?

                  Some will leave, some will stay , some may try and make the best of it . But if you have that conversation in the earlier dating , the falling in Lust and Pre-Love times .You should be able to get a Straight Answer .

                  There is a Yes, No and Maybe.

                  My son is a No ! Through Abstinence and Definition of his Choices .
                  The Yes would be when the man answers your Question with " Lets have Sex and Make a baby ".Right Now
                  The Maybe, is when it's not talked about ahead of time and you both " Risk " it. And then deal with it, if it happens .

                  Comment


                  • Most men are unprepared for the challenges of parenthood, and we make generally poor single parents, especially when we're under 30. The honest ones who are self aware know this. As indicated by others in this thread, it's usually partnership with a family-minded woman that tells a man that he's ready to have children.

                    Don't be discouraged. Many men deep down don't want to have children of their own, and would be thrilled to fall in love with a woman who feels similarly. The greatest risk in this ideal and harmonious union is that one, and only one, of you changes your mind.

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                    • I'm in the opposite position! My boyfriend wants kids more than anything, but I REALLY don't want kids. It's definitely a very real problem when you get to late 20's - mid 30's and you can't agree on wanting kids, because it's such a huge life change one way or the other. I worry sometimes that my boyfriend feels that I am being selfish and unreasonable in my reasons for not wanting kids... but our lives are our own, and we can't expect our partners to make such huge commitments or sacrifices for us, or vice versa. I'm still trying to find the solution to this problem myself :[ Those "maternal instincts" people have always told me about haven't kicked in for me yet.

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                      • Many men want children, but they may not be willing to have them until they are financially stable enough. You need to be with someone that is of like mind. Trying to convert a guy is a risky proposition.
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        ...
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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                        • Don't wait and hope that you reach an agreement - this is too important. For people who want kids they can be the most important thing in the world. For people who don't, they will completely destroy the life you have.

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                          • I had the opposite problem. Finding men who don't want kids ever. I'd settled for finding a guy who already had kids so I at least didn't have to go through pregnancy and a new baby or maybe even not having to deal with them living with us all the time. My husband had agreed if they stayed together to get his gf pregnant and then not interact with the child until it was older. So when my sort of bf who had marriage and kids in his eyes got dumped (I never agreed to be his gf in the first place) and my husband got dumped we were quite happy to take our friendship to an absolutely no kids relationship. He has a vasectomy with zero sperm count and I'm on birth control pills for medical reasons. We have decided if I get pregnant we are deeming it an act of god and becoming religious. If my biological clock ever goes off he's to get me a puppy.

                            Comment


                            • Haha, that's funny kira! I'm glad to know I'm not the only lady around here whose "biological clock" hasn't gone off yet. As of right now, I have 0% desire to have kids, in fact, I'd really prefer not to. I feel really uncomfortable when older women tell me "Oh, you'll come around." I sort of hate the assumption that we're just destined to have kids... but at the same time, I'm wondering if this mythical "biological clock" will kick in. Otherwise, my boyfriend and I have numbered days on our relationship, because he's getting to the age where he thinks it's time to have kids.

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