[wannabeloved]

Hi everyone, I just became a member today and I am so glad I found this site.
I have tried visiting a psychologist or a counsellor but have not been able to do so yet.
So I hope at least few people will be able to read and understand my current situation
as I am desperately in need of advice and I apologize in advance as it may be long and
thank you to those who will have the patience to read through my post.

So my boyfriend and I have started dating last winter and we have been together for almost a year now.
The problem started when I introduced him to my parents. My parents didn't like everything about him.
So some of the reasons that they told me about is that
- he's too old for me (we are 10 years apart. I'm 21 and he's 31)
- he's not Korean (My family is Canadian but we are originaly from Korea and my parents still hold some traditional beliefs)
- he's not rich (My bf is an engineer with a decent living style. He's not filthy rich)
- he's not respectful (to my parents point of view as he doesn't fully understand Korean culture)
- he will be violent towards you (my bf grew up in an environment where his mom beat him, not like horribly,
but still laid hands on him if he wasn't doing well or didn't listen to her)

So as most of you may think some of the reasons are kind of dumb and so I pretty much ignored it and
kept on going out with him without letting my parents know in secret. My bf was very well aware of this as well.
Then one day when he was dropping me off at home we got caught! Very unlucky day for us..
It was horrible. My mom lost her mind and started beating his car, me and my bf were in, and screamed at me
to get out and to never see him again. The neighbors heard all this fuss and I guess they were worried
so someone called the police. So then we had to talk to the police and my mom was crying and me and my bf
were scared and surprised and shocked and basically startled at the situation.

After when my bf left my parents told me that if I ever see him again I would be taken out of the family tree
and I will be kicked out of the house. My paretns actually threatened me! yes threatened to kill both me and him
if we went on with this relationship. My dad told me that he knows where my bf lives so don't think that he
is just saying this as a joke. I know they really wouldn't do that but at that moment I was very scared.
I'm currently a pharmacy student with lots of tuition to pay every sememster. I can't afford to lose my parents
and not have my tuition paid as I'm a very serious student and I take my education very seriously. I also worked
really hard up until this point to give up my education.

Being such a brave girl I am, despite all this drama, I kept on seeing him in secret. But we were very careful.
We also limited to seeing each other once a week. The reason I was going through all of this trouble and
still betaying my families wishes was because I thought he really cared about me and we really loved each other
and I saw him as a person I could spend my life with until we got old. He's very responsible and isn't a big spender.
He's quiet which I like and doesn't like to show off too much and enjoys staying at home and spending time with me.
If something happened to me, I know he will be the first one to show up and comfort me. He is always willing to be
there for me and tells me that he loves me every day. I realy enjoy his company and feel safe and comfortable
when I'm with him. I feel like I can act silly around him and feel like a ittle girl.

THe problem started arising from about a month ago during my exam period. We started arguing more often and
we couldn't get to a mutual conclusion. The problem is that he gets angry really easily. For example, one time
I closed the trunk really hard. and apparnatly I do this more often than I notice. He got really mad and said, "
what the ********! Why do you always slam the trunk so hard! I told you before to not do that! ********!" He got really angry
for few sec. and then came back as his normal self. and the other time I asked him out for lunch and
then realized I couldn't. and he told me, "You invite me and then uninvited me? Are you taking me for granted?
You think you can just do that to me all the time?" and then he was okay afterwards and said he overreacted.
I don't know if it's normal for a guy to just be so mad and then calm down after few secs. He does this often
and sometimes it shocks me and then he says he's sorry. He overreacted. I don't know if I want to cause so much
trouble discussing it as he seems to realilze his problem and does apologize soon afterwards.

Also he doesn't want to listen and always compares back to my situation. Being a pharmacy student I am Im really concerned
about his health. Whenever I tell him that he should really be eating more vegetables he tells me, "It's not like you
eat any more vegetables than me. How would you fee if I told you you should realy excersie more?" I don't exercise a lot.
one time I told him that he shouldn't be plaing so much video games and he told me, "How would you feel if I told you
you shouldn't be talking on the phone for so long?" He does this very often and it really bothers me. I have talked
to him about this and he has told me that he will try to listen more. So far he has been doing fairly good so I'm
not complaining but he still doesn't follow through with what I advice him to do. But he's getting better so
I'm not sure if I should push it anymore as he might feel pressured.

The next big thing is our sex life. He has a high sex drive and I don't. So already there is a problem. He always asks me
if I can be more enthusiastic. which sometimes hurts my feelings bc I thought I was doing pretty good.
And sometimes I really don't want it but he tells me, "everytime you want more I always hold it so I don't cum too fast
for you. How come you can't just do it with me for me? We only have sex like once a week!" But for me even once
a week is a lot of sex. and when I talked to him about this he told me everyone has sex at least once a week.
He told me that I should see my doctor.. I was very offended and we fought a bit. He told me he just wanted me to
be more enthusiastic and involved in our sex life and don't push him away when he wants it. But I feel like sometimes
I don't want it and he begs saying he really really really wants it tonight and it really puts me in a difficult situation.

And so my concern is that with all of these problems arising and my parents being super strict and thinking that we are
over (I'll be killed if I got caught) , I'm pretty stressed. I feel like is it really worth it to go through so much with all of
these troubles we are having? I know he is a good guy but is it really worth it for me? We do love each other but
sometimes I feel like with above mentioned problems we are not for each other? But I don't know if that's me
overexaggerating a little problem. I don't know what is best for me. Is it best for me to work this out as he may be the
love of my life or is it better to end things with him as there's so much pressure and stress for me and my parents
will be horrified if they ever found out?


Thank you so much

[rcoreyus]

You are an adult and should make your own choices. Being disowned by parents who have threatened to kill might be a good thing. If you think their threat was serious, then you have every right to go to the police. Parents can advise you, but they no longer have authority over you.

That said, I don't like what I'm hearing about how your boyfriend is treating you. Are you really happy with this man?

That said, wanting sex more than once a week isn't at all unusual for a couple in love. Its fine if you have less interest in sex, but then you should be in a relationship with someone who wants a similar amount of sex. A relationship where people have very different levels of interest in sex is a real problem - as many threads here will indicate.

[Euphoric]

I know several couples with an age difference, so that is definitely not a deal breaker. However, if you have lurked around on the forum much, you have probably ran across some threads where age differences eventually became a problem for couples. I suppose the age difference could be an issue for him. When you make comments to him about eating more vegetables or not spending so much time playing video games, he may be having trouble with someone a decade younger than he is critiquing his way of living.

As rcoreyus said, many threads on the forum also discuss problems with partners sexual drive differences. Again, something you should consider moving forward in this relationship. Two people are rarely going to be 100% in sync with their drives, but it they should be in the same ballpark, so to speak. You are happy with sex 4 times per month, where as I want sex 4 times per week. That's just the difference in people and what they are comfortable and happy with. This is something that I see as a huge consideration. Many problems arise when one partner wants it and the other is not interest. This is why some people step outside of their relationship, as well.

Because of the cultural barrier, I'm not sure your family will ever accept him. Strong rooted cultural barriers are nearly impossible to break. Although you are willing to sneak around in secret now, will you be willing to accept being married to someone who your family doesn't accept, and is this a situation that would cause them to 'disown' you. Are you willing to make that sacrifice?

No more time than the two of you get to spend together right now, I would think that he would appreciate the quality of your time together rather than blowing up and cursing at you for closing the trunk to hard. I could see him getting upset if you kicked the car or hit it with a bat, but closing the trunk lid?? You state in your post that he overreacts often, to the point that it has shocked you. It has been my experience, that a person is on their best behavior while they are still in the dating phase of the relationship. Is this the type of behavior you want to surround yourself with on a daily basis later in life??

However, who you chose to date is ultimately up to you. This is your life and you have to make the decisions that are going to make you happy. You can't live a fulfilling life trying to please others, even your parents. Nobody can directly answer your question: is it really worth it for me? You go on to say that you feel maybe you are not right for each other. Slow down and carefully think about the questions that are being posed to you. Think about what you want. Think about the pros and cons. This is not a situation where you need to have an answer tomorrow, so ponder your goals in life and whether or not this person will help you achieve them.

Best Wishes