[kjtwh1]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. He is my first serious relationship and before him I had only had sex twice, neither time that great...

Im not very confident when it comes to sex, I dont know what to do and although its been 8 months I am still unsure. My boyfriend has been amazingly patient with me but im still not giving him enough.

Last night as we were going to have sex he commented on how I dont do anything for him, I really try and I concentrate on trying to do something for him but when he does something to me that feels good I loose concentration and worry that I will squeeze too tight (sorry if tmi). When he said that I wasnt doing anything for him DURING, I lost what little confidence I did have and was too scared to touch him again and I had a little cry.
He asked if I wanted him to stop and I said no but then afterwards he asked my why I was crying and I told him his comment made me feel useless. He then proceeded to tell me that I am useless, its been 8 months and nothing has changed. I was unbelievably hurt by being told that I am useless and he then went on to say that I dont really have the right to be hurt and crying, he should because he has been so patient and nothing has changed.

I feel SOO small right now, and I have been scanning the internet for ways to help but I just get upset because I feel so pathetic that it has been 8 months and I cant seem to satisfy my boyfriend. I know he would never cheat on me but im scared of the day when he doesnt love me anymore and decides its over.

HELP

[mistril]

Did he tell you specifically what he wanted from you, DURING?

Your problems really seem to stem more from communication than anything... what are his expectations, what are yours?

[rcoreyus]

If he told you that you are useless, then you need to find someone else , no one says that to a person they love.

You partner should tell you what they enjoy in bed, and you should tell them - different people like different things. You can also read some books on lovemaking to get ideas (or browse on the web if you prefer).

[Brit0412]

I agree with mistril.. the problem seems to be more about lack of communication than nething.. try talking to him outside of the bedroom..ask him what he likes, maybe throw a couple ideas at him (i.e. diff positions, or maybe some use of little toys or lubes nothing extravagent) you personally have nothing wrong with you dont ever let someone tell you you're useless.. be strong and confident and if during you talk he starts going down the road of how you should know what he likes blah blah blah stop him (tactfully) and be truthful...say look im jus not that confident about certain thins and i want to make sure im either doing them right or that you do enjoy them. its all about dealing tactfully with this situation.. no worries hun keep your head up!

[Euphoric]

Let me get this straight, he told you during sex that you did nothing for him. You cried. While you were in tears, he asked you if you wanted him to stop, and you said no. So he continued, even though you were in tears.

IF I am understanding this correctly, you served as nothing more than a warm place for him to get off, at least on the night you describe. (Sounds awful, but your emotional well being should have been his top priority if he truly LOVES you.)

Exploring and learning should be part of the fun, not hurtful and hateful. Rather than expressing any remorse for belittling you, he tried to justify his actions and drive home his point by telling you that you are useless. Maybe he has been patient, but his comment did nothing but make you less inclined to become a sexual Goddess.

If he knows that you are trying, and this is his attitude toward you, it may be time to move on. Sex is a learned art, and you will learn new things about your body and mindset for years to come.

Books and the internet may help you learn some new positions and techniques, but again, with a partner who deflates your ego, I doubt much will change.

Don't berate yourself, try to educate yourself. However, don't allow someone to kill your self-esteem. The effect of emotional scars can last a lifetime, and you do not deserve that. Don't allow him to have that power over you.

[Guest]

Doesn't sound like a YOU problem to me. It sounds like a HIM problem to me.

And as the "him" in my relationship with female SO, I can't imagine telling her any of the negative things he has told you...it's just not right.

Honestly, as hard as it may be for you at first, I'd take all of the things he has said as an indication that it's time for YOU to make a change. Time for YOU to find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, as you are today.

Physical intimacy is the most amazing and beautiful thing that two people can share with one another and it should be appreciated, accepted and enjoyed just the way that it is given. It's yet another area where two people who truly care about one another...grow together and learn each others likes and dislikes.

IMO - It's time for you to move on.

[leajones]

Girl "you" don't need help. YOU need to LOSE THE LOSER He is selfish and self centered find someone who will appreciate you in every way.

[Ashlee T.]

Ditto to the others who said you need to get rid of the guy. I don't care what justification you (or he) provides, there is no excuse, none...period...for him to tell you that you are useless. He knows you are inexperienced. He should be LOVING helping to teach you what to do, what he likes, exploration, etc. Almost every woman you talk to has been in your shoes at some point sexually, where we felt lack of confidence and inexperienced and lost. We got out of that with patience and experience. It doesn't happen overnight. I was with a man for 5 years who helped to enlighten me sexually, was patient with me, made me feel desired and wanted. He never berated me for my inexperience. Telling someone DURING sex that they don't "do anything for you" is one sure fire way to shut someone down. You're human. OF COURSE that made you feel awful and I'm 100% sure was a total mood killer.

You need to be with someone that allows you to relax, that teaches you, that learns WITH you, that cherishes you.

YOU are scared that HE will leave you? You should be leaving him. It seems that your lack of confidence isn't just in the bedroom, but in general along with a lack of self worth. I can assure you you're worth more than someone who tells you that you are useless. Sex should not be a chore, it should not be stressful.