[puma]

Long story short, I got married to a loser as a teenager, divorced him when I was 30, got into a nightmare of a relationship for five years, broke up with him, and decided I would find the ex-bf's polar opposite. I did, and he is wonderful in every way except one: he claims not to be able to feel love.

He is not a sociopath--I've looked into it. Doesn't fit the profile. He is sweet, caring, a good listener, very attentive, and supportive. He claims to be completely content and happy in the relationship, but he says he does not fall in love, and whenever I've tried to talk about this with him he says he doesn't understand why this is a problem. The thing is, the ex-bf claimed to love me, but never ACTED like it--oh, the stuff he put me through. This guy says he doesn't feel love, but his every action is loving. That is, to an observer it would appear he DOES love me.

I am completely happy and content with him except for this one thing. He is a perfect catch except for this one thing. I do not want to break up with him over it because he is otherwise so wonderful and I can see myself staying with him for the rest of my life, although I am nowhere near even wanting to move in with him.

I should note the following things: he is 28, I am 35; he was single from age 21-27 by choice because his previous girlfriends cheated on him. I picked him to date (that is, I decided I wanted to go out with him and asked **him** out, I'm pretty much in charge in the relationship, which suits us both) and he seems very happy that I did, though before I picked him he was happy being single and wasn't looking for a gf at all.

He's not immature per se, in that he is responsible and all, but he is, I think, emotionally immature.

Is it humanly possible to be psychologically normal and not be able to fall in love? Could he love me and not realise it? Should I just wait? Like I said I'm not at all unhappy, and I don't feel I am wasting my time because he (or marriage again, ugh) is not my priority, but this is just so odd to me.

[jns]

It could be that he has erected a defensive mechanism after his previous girlfriends left. He might not even know that he has done this. Was he in love with his previous girlfriends?

[puma]

It could be that he has erected a defensive mechanism after his previous girlfriends left. He might not even know that he has done this. Was he in love with his previous girlfriends?

He says he thought he was, but now he thinks he really wasn't. He also says that it could be that he just defines love differently than everybody else (like, "society defines love X way, but I don't, so maybe that means I define love differently, I just don't know how I do"), so I asked him to think about that, but then when I brought it up again he said that (being a stubborn male) the more I asked him about it the less likely he was to think about or consider it. So I haven't brought it up in two months. It probably has not even occurred to him to give any thought to it since.

When we were first going out (like two months in), he told me he was really guarded with his heart and slow to love and to give him time. So I did, but I'd bring it up occasionally, and finally he said he didn't really think he'd ever been in love with anybody at all before.

He is very, very controlled with his emotions as well. He has never even raised his voice. Never gets upset or worked up about anything, he's the definition of Zen.

[jns]

Have you asked him if he had any feelings one way or the other when those relationships broke up? Also, who initiated those breakups? If he did not initiate the breakups, a person in love with (infatuation stage) or loving his previous girlfriends should have some feelings of anxiety or unease, at a minimum. A person initiating a breakup may have so much anger or loathing or other emotion that they do not feel anxiety or unease.

Many people would not be able to have a long term relationship with someone who was so emotionless. Others could probably handle it, at least for a time. If you need him to cry with you at least once in a great while, he would not be the one for you.

[mcajimat]

boyfriend love is concealed

i think he is introvert.he loves you but he don't want to admit it..........rebersive behavior

[Pollon]

People experience things differently. As you noted, your ex felt LOVE for you but didn't behave as if he LOVED you. This guy behaves as though he LOVES you, but doesn't claim to feel it. I presume you think your current boyfriend's way of loving you is better. Not perfect, but better. As jns pointed out, he may have some defense mechanisms to protect him from some, or all, feelings. That's not necessarily as bad thing.

Introverts and extroverts are actually wired differently. There is research with babies that show that. I can't cite the details, but you can find them in a book by Susan Cain called Quiet.

On thing you might consider is that the massive amounts of over-stimulation we are exposed to serve to desensitize us to our feelings. Certainly hundreds of images of violence in the media dulls our ability to feel for those who experience violence in those scenes. And all the sexual content makes it harder to get aroused by the small but sensual things we experience. As an introvert, he has thickened his skin, so-to-speak, in order to protect from over-stimulation. This does make it harder to "feel."

As an experiment, you could try putting him on a media fast for a few months and see how it affects him. I know it helped me.

Good luck

[Element]

He says he thought he was, but now he thinks he really wasn't. He also says that it could be that he just defines love differently than everybody else (like, "society defines love X way, but I don't, so maybe that means I define love differently, I just don't know how I do")

Perhaps he isn't as far along emotionally or maturely to be in a serious relationship. I suggest helping to guide him in figuring out his past feelings as well as his present ones. How did he feel in his past relationships that led him to believe he was in love? And how does he now believe that he wasn't in love? If he believes he views love differently than society; then how so? What does he believe love is? What does he believe he should feel in order to believe he is in love?

These are things that are needed for growth. He needs to figure himself out, then view his relationship and find what he is looking for, wanting and needing.

If he just wants to shrug it off and repeatedly say "I don't know", then you need to decide if you can forever be with a man who will never love you and will never say "I love you" to you. Also if you are wanting children, a father that can not love his children or the mother of his children.

[DreamP346]

I used to think like that. I didn't think I was capable of falling in love. I believed is loving somebody, just not being IN love. That changed with my husband. I met him when I was 27 and I think I fell in love with him after a year of being together. Every person is different and feels love differently. The heart pounding exciting love is mostly a western cultural thing. In many Asian societies that invole arranged marriages, people get married and over time develop a deep connection with their partner. Its the same type of connection people feel here who met, fell madly in love and have been together for many years.

[rcoreyus]

He may feel that "being in love" implies a lifelong commitment and he isn't ready for that. It is fine to enjoy your time with him, but be sure that you aren't assuming something about the relationship that he has specifically said doesn't exist.