[Em86]

Hey guys.
Bit of a long complicated story but here it goes.
Me and my ex were together for a year then broke up, still kept contact for 3 months and now we are seeing each other again ( it was our distance and situation the reason why we ended it)
Things are now great, better than before. We're taking it slowly this time and not making anything official yet. We love each other so much we will sort out the reason why we ended it.
I have a child from a previous relationship and he has aswell. I have this thing about his ex, the mother of his child. She is not a nice person, she has spoken to my boyfriend I suppose you could say like complete crap, she has slagged me off, just not a person I like.
They broke up 4 years ago but she still has photos of the 2 of them on facebook. She still puts kisses when she texts him and she still likes to know all his business, where you going, who with, and even asked why we broke up. He doesnt tell her anything, I thought she'd get the message by now but he says shes always been like this. He's had to have a few words with her in the past to back off abit.
I just have this horrible thing of dis liking them being together. Like when he picks his son up or drops him off and hes a long time, I always wonder what they talk about and such. When they go to parents evening together and he gave her a lift home, I hated it. He picked his son up from a party the other night that she was at and he stayed an hour to chat to old friends but I hated it because she was there.
I know theres nothing between them, she doesnt want him, he doesnt want her but why do I get this horrible, jealous feeling whenever they are together. I've met her once and all I got was a sarcastic smile.
I need to be cool about it all because she's in his life forever, they have a child together. It causes big arguments when I fly off the handle about something. He doesnt do it about me and my ex.
Anyone in this situation? I find it difficult having a boyfriend that still has to see his ex and have contact.

[Element]

He only has to deal with her until the child is 18. Then their child is an adult and he can tell her to buzz off. But they do need to maintain a civil environment for the child's sake.

I do agree that it is wrong of her to send him "kisses" via phone, or in any other manner. If she is doing that, and needing the low down on his entire life; then she is obviously not fully over him. After they broke up, would they still sleep together? That shows that there were still 'feelings' after their parting.

As the mother of his child, he is always going to love her. She gave him a kid. But that doesn't mean that he'll love her as the love of his life or want to live with her. It's an odd sort of line. But it appears they need a bolder line for everyone to see so no one can step over it.

[Em86]

Oh no, they didn't sleep together after they broke up. How can she not be over him, its been 4 years? Shes had an long term relationship since then, a couple of years with this guy, they broke up a few months ago. I understand she cares for my boyfriend, he is the father of her child.
My boyfriend says he cares for her but just as the mother of his child, thats all.
I just dont know why I hate it so much when they see each other or have contact. He used to put kisses in his texts to her, he said it was habit and didnt mean anything. I asked him not to and he hasnt anymore and I trust him. He said he will have a word with her about it but he hasnt. Theres just something about her I dont like at all and I dont trust her. Shes very nosy and just interferes.

[jns]

As long as she has the personality you say she does, it is unlikely that he would ever go back. You will have to work on your jealousy. Have you sought counseling?

[Em86]

I am currently having therapy for some other issues and I do talk him about this and we're working through it. Its not so much I'm worried he'll go back, its been 4 years already and things are fantastic between me and him. I just wish I knew why she is the way she is with him, kisses in texts, still got photos of them but then theres times she treats him like crap. I just wish she would back off abit, stop the kisses in texts n such, theres no need for them. Delete the photos, stop asking him where hes going at weekends and about his social life etc. I have contact with my ex, he obviously see's his daughter and we are not like that at all.

[Element]

Was she this way when she was in her prior relationship?

[jns]

It sounds like he broke up with her and she still wants to control him. It sounds like she is using passive aggressive behavior to do this. Have you talked with your therapist about what you can do to change what you can and accept what you cannot change?

[Em86]

From what I know with her last partner, they broke up about 3 times and the last time was the final time, my boyfriend did witness one time her talking to her partner like she used to talk to my boyfriend, he said she still hasnt changed.
She didnt like me and used to have ago at my boyfriend for seeing me more than his son which was not true at all, I would never let that happen.
My boyfriend did end it with her because he fell out of love with her because of how she treated him, which was horrible.
Before me, whenever my boyfriend got a girlfriend she would add them as a friend on facebook, I think some of it is control and still wanting to know whats going on when really it should just be about their son, he's not her concern anymore. I dont care what my ex does, as long as he has his daughter regularly then thats fine.
Its just all this causes unnecessary crap in our relationship. It does cause arguments and I do just want to let it go. I want to be able to not care what she does or thinks, I'm with him now, we're in love and I trust him, thats all that should matter.
My next therapy session I will talk about how I can see and think about things differently. I dont want her to get to me. I know some things cannot change it is just accepting it. Even if he talks to her I doubt she'll change. Hes told her twice since we've been together to keep her nose out his relationships and she obviously hasn't listened.

[Element]

At this point, it's him making her keep her nose out of things. Don't enable her, don't answer her questions. When she asks, just talk about something else, don't even acknowledge that she asked about it. If she gets pushy, then her true colors are showing and he should knock her down a peg. Out of anything, have him record his encounters with her and present it in court. It shows bad, uncontrollable behavior and it's a good way for him to get custody of the child if he already does not. Her only worries are her child first, and her own life second. Not the life of her baby daddy or her baby daddy's girlfriend. She has to be made to move on. Because "friending" all of his love interests, hounding him for information on his life; that's borderline stalking. If it's enabled, it will only get worse. Nip it in the bud quick and sharp to make her stop.

[Em86]

Thanks for the advice guys It just all gives me a headache and I'm fed up with it. Going to have a good chat with my boyfriend and we'll get this sorted once an for all.