[marinakreyes]

Hi, Im 19 and my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. In the beginning of our relationship, I found porn on his phone and I told him that him looking at porn made me feel really uncomfortable because I was really insecure about myself and that I couldnt be the girls he wanted me to be; obviously I dont have boobs or a body like that. Then he said he would stop because he knew that he didnt want me feeling that way. Then a couple months later I found it again on his phone! and I told him again how I felt and that this hurts me. Then he promised not to do it again. Then I caught him again three more times. The last time I caught him it hurt me alot becuase he kept promising and promising not to do it again. Of course we do have sex, its not like I dont give him what he wants and fulfill his needs as a guy. We did it everyday, then suddenly it stopped. Then i got suspicious and found all this porn on his internet history and even sites where you chat with real naked chicks. I was really upset and so hurt because he lied again and again and again. I mean I am right here willing to give him what he wants! I just didnt understand. Then I became really insecure because I dont have big fake boobs or a perfect body! Its been about a week and a half since i found out and he was willing to do whatever it takes for me to trust him and I decided I should give him another chance because I honestly really love him and I dont wanna just leave him if hes willing to honestly change this time. But now its just really hard to believe what he says because Im not with him 24/7. I know he wouldnt cheat on me physically but i still felt betrayed when he went on sites looking at real chicks on a webcam. I just dont know how to control what goes on in my mind because i just think hes hiding it because you can delete your internet history. I dont know what to do, I mean I am trying not to acccuse him. I just dont wanna get hurt again.

[marinakreyes]

any advice please?

[jns]

First, I know it won't help, but there are guys who like small breasts as opposed to large ones.

The not being with him 24/7 excuse is lame. The looking at porn when he has a perfectly available hot gf is lame. But a lot of guys are conditioned to porn from a fairly young age.

If he is willing to do anything, you can access a site on his phone and send an email to yourself about when you accessed it. Then tell him he cannot erase his internet history, only you will do that. When you go in to see his history later, see if he has erased anything including your marker site you used. If everything is good, erase and do those steps again. He will probably get mad when you catch him erasing his history.

If he doesn't start treating you right, consider a different relationship or none at all.

[Guest]

He's a liar and, at the very least, an emotional cheater!

He's not going to change. He is what he is exactly as he is right now.

The time has come - IMO - for you to make some tough decisions about your relationship.

If you like the way EVERYTHING is then keep it...If you don't then CHANGE it!

[rcoreyus]

Does he watch porn and tend to ignore you sexually, or is your sex life good and he also watches porn. Different people watch porn for different reasons, but is is quite possible that he is in no way comparing you to the porn stars. Do you know if he is actually chatting with girls, or if the websites just appear in his history because they pop-up from porn sites? (which they do)?

I think he will keep watching porn, and a relationship where he feels he has to hide this, and where you are constantly suspicious is not going to be happy.

You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. This is something only YOU can decide. If you can accept him watching porn, then tell him so, don't hold it against him. If you can't accept that, then end the relationship: no need for blame or hostility, just politely end it.

The whole point of relationships is for people to be happy. If you are not happy then the relationship should end. "Blame" is irrelevant, no one is keeping score.

[marinakreyes]

Jns, I feel like if I smother him and Im in his business all the time, it'll push him away and he'll go back to porn.

[marinakreyes]

rcoreyus, Our sex life was good then i started to noticed that we havent been doing it as much. He claimed it was because he was scared of me geting pregnant, but i dont understand, he wasnt scared before. But he also said he was scared since hes leaving for the air force and he doesnt want me to have a baby and he is gone. I decided that if i wont be able to trust him before he leaves for the air force then we cant be together.

[rcoreyus]

Its always difficult to get a picture of what is going on just from a few lines of text, so there is a limit to how much advice we can give. What I'd suggest though is that you think about the time you spend with him. Does he make you happy, and there are just a few problems or do you find yourself generally unhappy when you are around him - for whatever reason.

Relationships should make you happy. If they do, then it is worth real effort to keep them. If they don't, then you would be better off with someone else.

[Pollon]

Marina,

There are obviously varying opinions about porn, so before I offer my suggestions, I will give you mine.

Porn, like all vices, can be helpful (or at least not harmful) with very limited use. However, like the others, it feeds the pleasure centers of the brain and, therefore, it is easy for the user to overindulge and even become dependent. And most over-users will attempt to justify that use by saying is it harmless and all the problems the person is experiencing are caused by things other than their over-use of the vice. They will even go so far as to say that their over-use is "normal" and the problem is really the judgmental, uptight ways of the people who are complaining about their over-use.

But, of course, that's nonsense. Emotional and physical intimacy is stunted, Real relationships are destroyed, women and men are degraded and exploited, lots of personal and financial damage is done by over-use.

You know, inherently that his over-use is doing damage while he tries to justify it in his mind (if not to you). He is thinking and behaving like an addict.


There are two options here:

1) He doesn't want to stop the porn, so he simply lying to you about quitting to get you off of his back.

In which case, you can stop checking on him and pretend to yourself that he is being honest and, like he does, that porn isn't a problem.

2) He does want to quit, but can't.

In which case, you can do point him to some resources for help and see if he is serious about pursuing it.

Unfortunately, you can't change him. He has to have the will and the fortitude to do it himself. All you can do is decide whether you want to be with him and help him whatever he decides. It seems he will be going away which might be the break you need to pull yourself away should that be your decision.

Good luck

[Sunlight72]

Hi Marina,
sorry to read about your tough situation.

From what you've written, you know you need to end this relationship, but you wish it weren't true.

Something I learned in the last few years is that getting to know someone involves two sides of them. There are the actions they decide to take (like your boyfriend keeps choosing porn, even though he knows it breaks your heart). The other side is the words they say (like, "I don't want to hurt you, and I'll never do it again).

What I have found is that these two sides don't always match up, and when they don't match up (like in your boyfriend) the 'truth' is that his actions tell you what is most important to him. His words might be what he wishes were true, but his actions are true.

Porn is more important to him than your feelings. Don't kid yourself about this anymore. Porn is more important to him than your feelings are. You can't change that, so get honest about it. He is not going to change. Porn is more important to him than your feelings are. Believe it.

Then move on. A relationship with yourself, where you respect and love yourself is the first and most important relationship you need to find and build. Then, the next time you start a relationship with someone, You, Marina, need to make your actions match your words.

In this case, your words said to him, "it is breaking my heart that you look at porn". Your actions (you still stay with him, and you still have sex with him) tell him, "do what you want, and I'll be here to love you and have sex with you".

Take responsibility and control of Your Own life, and make your actions match your words.

It's hard at first - at least it was for me, but now my life is so very much better!! You can do it to

Best Wishes,
Sunlight