[ordun'girl]

hi all. please i need some advice on this: i have been going out with my fiance for almost three years now.when we first started, he was very particular about sex which after some resistance, i gave in to him.after some months, i started threatening to leave him,and he was always begging me not to leave. he loves me like crazy and i know that too. i kept on threatening him though i was enjoying the sex stuff but i was scared of having a baby now. the problem is, anytime i go to his house, he tries not to have sex with me, and anytime i try to make him do it, he refuses and tells me that he is scared of losing me. i am now used to doing it with him, but i dont want to force him and i cant rape him...lol. i know he is trying to control himself and i tried doing that too but it is not easy....i feel kinda of cheap and dirty when he refuses my advances....what do i do?

[sourpuss]

Do you use any birth control besides abstainence?

[Little]

Pulling out SORT OF works. But it's terribly, terribly risky.
Use condoms, use condoms, use condoms. They're so easy to use and they don't mess up your body like birth control pills can.
Condoms are more than 98% effective.
Let him know that he isn't going to lose you because of sex ... but only if he isn't! It seems to me that the problem is with both of you and your communication. Communicate. Talk it out. Let him know what you feel.
And listen to how he feels. I think he respects you a great deal; no man is going to abstain from sex with his willing fiancée unless he feels that somewhere underneath she isn't so willing.
Good luck.

[the-dark]

one small point

the pulling out method is more than just risky it just dosent work due to the fact the pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm, though in significantly lower concentrations than semen still suficent to cause pregnancy.

as stated above condoms are one of the safest forms of contraception, if you are still worried or are adverse to useing condoms try using a combination of methods as the effects multiply together (eg methods one on its own has a 5% failure rate method 2 has a 3% failure rate the overall effectiveness of using both simultaneously would be 0.05 x 0.03 = 0.0015 or 0.15%)

have you tried talking to him about it? you need to really reassure him that you are going to stay with him so he is 100% positive in his mind that it wont have any negative effect

//thomas

[ordun'girl]

we use condoms once in a while but i never really liked it.
we've tried the pulling out method too, but i got pregnant once and had to remove it.
i have always been scared of pills cos of its side effects
am a christian and i get guilty sort of when we have sex...we did something silly some months ago, i think it is silly though he thinks it is not

[Little]

If it makes you guilty, don't do it. Just wait. How far away is your marriage? He seems just fine with not having sex as long as you are feeling guilty, and you should be too.
If you don't mind, what "silly" thing did you do?

[ordun'girl]

tanx a lot for taking time out to reply.
we still have about five years cos of schooling.
the silly thing we did was we sort of got married in our own way...dont laugh out loud, pls.
we said our vows between ourselves though we still plan to do it in a big way and to involve our parents. but sometimes it seems so unreal cos we are not living together but he is really taking it serious and i dont mind too. but it has always been between us that we are married...dont u think it is silly?

[Little]

No, I don't think that's silly at all. I think it's a beautiful thing that you did, and to you you're really married.
It seems to me that you're really young ... I'm not saying that insulting; I'm only 19. But since you have five years of school left (and school years are "growing" years to me,) you should cool it down.
I definitely am not saying that you should see other people, or that you should take a break, but just enjoy each others' company without being so serious ... take a break from sex, say for 6 months, and then when the 6 months are over, see how you feel about it and whether you want to have it again before you have your legal or religious wedding.
That will save your relationship a lot of strain for now; take away the thinking about sex in some aspect, take away fearing pregnancy, and take away his fear of losing you.
Because if you love one another, you won't want to have that kind of strain in your relationship, so put it off.
Good luck!

[ordun'girl]

tanx a lot for ur advice. am actually 21. it is not going to be easy staying away cos i love holding touching cuddling him. i love him so so much...hmm...i will try and stay away for 6 months like u said....tanx a lot.

[rcoreyus]

Take the original post and title, swap the "he" and "she", see how it reads.