[Pollon]

It is understandable that you are in a very emotional state right now and trying to figure out what everything means and what to do. So, in case you missed the point, I will restate what I said before..

"...he has an impression of you developed over three years (not just the past few months), you will have to work very hard to convince him that the next three years will be significantly different.

What he would need to see is that you have changed from a taker into a giver. He will need to see that your moves and behaviors are about others and not about getting what you need. ...."

Your comment,

"What he wants FOR ME is what I wanted FOR MYSELF all this time,...."

is still all about you and what you need. There is so little of what he needs and wants in anything you've posted, it would be hard to conclude that you even know what he wants or needs apart from just having a healthy and emotionally stable girlfriend.

The fact that you called him the night BEFORE his exams (just like you visited and ruined his last exam), when he presumably needed to study or at least keep his nerves under control and engaged him in a conversation that COULD have been extremely upsetting and/or distracting again suggests that you are NOT thinking about what he needs before you act. This is what you may have conditioned him to think about you when he says he "needs more from [you]"

After a few weeks without you, I'm afraid he will come to realize how little he was getting from you for the amount he was giving. So if you really want him to consider continuing the relationship, you will have to make it clear to him that you know what he needs and wants AND you are going to work to provide it.

Good luck

[HaplessDia01]

I respectfully accept your criticism, and I agree. I have been very selfish for a very long time, and I need to step back and start wooing him again. These are the things he wanted me to change -

Basically, he wants me to be independent again. I use to have a lot of dreams and desires for myself, and I lost that along the way.

He wants me to get a job, rediscover my hobbies, and rediscover myself so that I can be happy again.

He wants me to maintain my health by going regularly to both my regular doctor and my psychiatrist again.

He wants me to think more of others needs before my own by helping out around the house without being asked, and generally making myself useful and available to those who need me.

He wants me to learn more necessary skills for being self-sufficient - learning how to cook at least basic things, for instance, that way he won't have to worry that I'm not taking care of my basic needs - like, you know, eating - if he's not around.

He wants to do more together as a couple - going out to events and basically "dating" again - and there-by rediscovering the fun we use to have by keeping to these plans and promises we make.

He wants me to foster a more positive outlook, and therefore be more receptive to compliments and hopeful feelings about the future. He also wants me to work on my tendency to hold grudges, since that doesn't bode well for a happy life.

Basically, he wants me out of my depressed rut, and back to how I use to be.

[time2discover]

Sounds like a great idea! Start by loving yourself and enjoying the little things in life that make you happy.
One step at a time and you'll get there. The good thing is you'll feel so much better and so alive.
Believe me, you're worth it!

Keep us up to date with the progress.(I'll be backing you in my thoughts all the way!)

[HaplessDia01]

Anyway, we met up today, and I invited him to breakfast at a local restaurant, since he'd mentioned recently about how he wanted to go. I basically worded it as a way to treat him as a reward for getting through his exams. He seemed surprised, but touched, and said he'd think about it before I went over. When I did, I made sure I was on time and looked nice, however he'd been having trouble sleeping (most likely due to the fact that he always slept badly without me by his side), so he was still in the shower when I arrived. I knocked on the door a few times as to respect his wishes, but entered after a few knocks. I then knocked on the bathroom door, announced my presence, and sat down to wait for him on the couch. We talked for quite awhile before going to breakfast, and afterwards he helped me pack up and move my stuff into the car. There weren't a lot of awkward silences, but the entire vibe was still tense - understandably - and I carried the weight of keeping it lighthearted at best. Despite this, he still smiled and laughed a few times, although it was clear that there was a heavy air... we both made efforts to keep the conversation going.

He said that he felt better that I seemed to have a clear understanding of everything. He said that he didn't blame me entirely for his school situation, but that he fully accepted the fact that he was mostly to blame for how things had been going. He again said that he felt we had a real shot at this, but that he still needed a little time to de-stress from the situation and work through any and all lingering resentment towards me. I told him that if we were really gonna make a go at this, then I can't be the only one fighting for the relationship to work again. I needed both of us to give it 100%, and really commit to this. He said that he was more then willing to do that, but that I needed to acknowledge the fact that there was a "small chance" that things still won't work out. I said that was a given in any relationship, no matter what. He said that he was only stating that so that it would be easier for me if that did truly end up being the outcome. I can understand that. However, he agreed to talk positively about it (so as to begin digesting the idea of being a fully committed couple once again) ex: "We're going to make this work." rather then "We're going to try to make this work." for instance, and put 100% of his energy into it. He also said he was going to be able to forgive me and move on from the past mistakes that were made, but right now he still needed some time. I believe this, because he still spoke of a future involving me of his own accord - including once again giving cohabitation a shot.

I think the most important thing was that he was finally acknowledging the fact that we had a whole hell of a lot of good between the two of us. He even said that he didn't regret moving in together, and that there were still a lot of good memories of the two of us living together. I think that's a HUGE step after what he said the night of the fight. I think he just really needed to come off of an emotional high before he could remember everything. He admitted that he was going through a bit of a depression too, and that tends to make everything bleak. I think with these circumstances all together, things seem really good. As far as physical contact, he was still kind of reluctant to hug (although he hugged me twice before I left), and felt that holding hands was too "coupley" for the time being. However, he allowed me to at least touch his hand while I was talking, as well as hold onto his upper arm when we were walking, pat him on the back, rest my head on his shoulder, and rub his hair a bit... all in short doses, of course, but still - it's something! We're both the kind of people who can't be physical when we're not feeling emotions of love, so this is understandable as well. I made sure to ask if it was appropriate before taking each action. So, I'm feeling a lot more calm and optimistic, and I made sure to keep in control of the situation during the entire visit. I won't be seeing him again until around March 1st-ish, so I plan to curtail a lot of contact until then.

[time2discover]

Very good news!

Keep it up!

[HaplessDia01]

Very good news!

Keep it up!

If he talks fondly about the past now, and about who I use to be - then I think he really is still in love with -that- person. Not the me now, but the me of the past who had her own things going on. So, if I reclaim that independence, confidence, and sanity that I use to have... then won't it be easier for him to love me again? It was really hard on me today though... seeing him just so drained by my presence and everything. Every laugh or smile didn't come so easily for him anymore, and that really hurt. I'm still just trying to digest everything myself. Thank you for being so supportive.

[time2discover]

Remember you also said that you made efforts to keep the conversation going. Don't worry.
It's normal right now for the problems that brought you both here are still lingering in the
background. Keep working on yourself, and being happy as an individual and slowly they
will disappear. Give it time. It doesn't happen overnight.

[HaplessDia01]

Remember you also said that you made efforts to keep the conversation going. Don't worry.
It's normal right now for the problems that brought you both here are still lingering in the
background. Keep working on yourself, and being happy as an individual and slowly they
will disappear. Give it time. It doesn't happen overnight.

What if he doesn't bother to text or call me of his own initiative? It's only been the second day of no contact, but it's making me anxious. I think maybe my ego is just hurt, because I'm actually finding myself having a much easier time with this whole situation. I think I'm building up a wall around my heart, but that's just fine for me... It's a lot easier then being hysterical and obsessive like I was before.

[time2discover]

Sometimes we think that's the best thing to do. It'll avoid us alot of pain
and misery. But if we look at everything we're gonna miss out on, it's not
worth it.
The more you start to have confidence in yourself the less you're gonna
want to be those things. One day at a time, just don't close yourself up
to do it.

[HaplessDia01]

After I moved the rest of my stuff out, I didn't speak to him in any form for two weeks. I met up with him today, and we inevitably talked once again. He basically said that he was also suffering from a severe depression due to his school situation (he feels he should be graduated by now) and his guilt over that, his weight, not having a job, and all of that on-top of all of this with me. Basically, our depressions didn't mix well together, and the lack of communication pretty much fueled an inevitable blow-up. He says he can't even fathom going on a date right now, because he feels completely "undateable". However, he says he really does want to make this work, because he remembers "how good we use to be for each other." I said that right now it's important that we continue to communicate semi-regularly, and perhaps only hang out once a week... but the priority should be getting our own individual lives straight again. I recommended that he go to talk to a professional (which I am also planning to do shortly), and remember to keep the past in the past so that he can move on without continually agonizing over past mistakes. I reminded him that tons of people care about him, and are there to support him. I guess what he said about me is true for himself as well - you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. His body language was still hesitant and distant, but not to an extreme degree - he'd smile when I'd smile, he seemed to stare at my lips fairly often, and although I wasn't all over him - he still accepted a hug both in greeting and goodbye, and we still sat fairly close to one another. It's definitely not the same, but... I don't know. What do you all think about this?