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Unhealthy relationship..what to do

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  • Unhealthy relationship..what to do

    I have been seeing a man for 4 yrs. We have been living together for 3 of those years. When I met him he told me he was divorced, but after a few months, I found out he was just separated. There was never a concern of him going back to her...and they have 5 children together (2 adults, 3 between 12-15). To begin with, the relationship was very rocky - he was very insecure and ALWAYS accused me of cheating. He even put spyware on my computer, phone, read my moms emails in her acct (he had her info from having spyware on my comp), looked at every number on my phone logs, tested my panties for semen after a business trip, accused me of sleeping with MANY men (with no real proof to even accuse me - other than me knowing them at work) and even made big deals when there were black people in the same room as us (he thought I was always 'checking them out'. That's because I have 3 children - my 2 oldest are bi-racial and my youngest is not.) However, I've caught him more than once looking at bi-racial porn, bi-sexual porn, homo-sexual porn, bbw porn...and I have caught him texting other girls, placed an ad on a well-known website for sex (where he posted that he wanted to have bi-sexual sex - with a man...he also replied to men AND women - and sent nude pics of himself to men and women). Yes, I stayed with him after all that.
    Things are better now - but I don't trust him as far as I can spit into the wind. We also have a huge financial problem...well, I do. He is supposed to give me $800 a month...which is 1/2 the household bills. That was our agreement when he moved in. BUT...he has gotten to where he may or may not give me even $400 a month. He doesn't tell me when he is NOT going to give it to me...he just doesn't. Again, I have 3 children, and a grandson, that I support. None of his half of the bills goes towards my children themselves...just the basic bills. He makes $12,000 more a year than I do. He has to pay $1200 a month in child support for his 3 children, which I understand...and he has bills (a loan, his phone bill for him and his adult child and young child, and he drives 80 miles a day in an old gas guzzling truck for work), but I am getting really tired of him not helping me financially.
    I've spoken to him about it and he says he knows he should tell me...but then he still doesn't. I asked him 2 weeks ago if he was going to give me $ and he said yes - but he never did. I got my income tax the same week....so I'm assuming he thought I could just use my income tax for HIS half of the bills...which is what I did, I had to.
    I have other bills too besides the household bills. I have to take care of my children too...but when he doesn't help me, I have to take the money out of what's MY childrens' and put it towards bills HE is supposed to be helping me with. Meanwhile, his ex takes home more than I do. She works PT, gets SSI, food stamps AND child support.
    It drives me nuts that I am the one that has to go without....I am the one who has to figure out how to pay my mortgage (house is MINE) and insurance and lights and water when he doesn't help me. I can't support my kids because I am supporting him.
    Am I so selfish to say "I don't care if your kids get child support this week - you OWE me"?? I mean - he doesn't care that MY kids go without - why should I care about his kids? (BTW - his kids hate me because of things their mother has told them about me. I've never done a thing to them or their mother...even after she stole my jewelry, mail, harassed me, stalked me, got in my face in front of my children and many many other things...I've kept my cool for the good of HIS kids.)
    I've gotten myself in such a pickle and don't want to sound so mean if/when I tell him how much I don't care if his kids get their support this week...
    I wish he would just find someone else and leave me. It would be easier.

  • Wasn't intending on answering while I was reading the text but when I saw your
    last line it made it easier.

    You wish he would find someone else and leave.

    If that's what you want, than sorry to say this, start taking responsibility for your
    life and leave him.

    If your miserable, like you say, the only reason you would wait for him to leave is so
    you could blame him for it all.

    Get up and make your own life! You'll see it's alot more fun to live when you're in control of it!


    • I agree with time2discover but since it is your house give him 30 days to find some where else to live and stick to that 30 days and not a day more. He thinks he has it easy and doesn't have to pay you since you don't demand that he pays for his fair share.


      • So, here's what I get .

        1)He agreed to move in and pay his share of bills. He doesn't pay or not on time or only partial.

        2)You are having to take away from your kids to pay bills that he is partially responsible for .

        Why are you allowing this ? If the house was a rental house that you owned, would you allow the renters to not pay the Rent/ Bills ? I highly Doubt it . Write him a 3 day Pay or Vacate notice or download a free one online .
        It's time he stopped Freeloading on you and took on his responsibilities.

        Your Kids his Kids .
        Your responsibility is to your Children First,His Responsibility is to his Children First, meaning the Child Support . If he wasn't living with you, he'd be paying Rent and paying his own bills Somewhere . And They ( the Landlord and Bill Providers, cable, electricity, water ETC ) would not allow him to only pay when he felt like it . So why are you allowing him to ?

        The Cheating and Ex and rest of Drama.
        It matters not that she gets SSI and FS and all that .. It's not your worry. It's Hers and His . It matters Not what she does her kids do, whether she or they Like you or not . Let it go !!

        The accusation of your Cheating.

        1)The Biracial or Race/ Color of your kids,co workers, men or women that you have in your life,should have nothing to do with your relationship with him as a Man and Partner .

        2)If you haven't Cheated, Don't worry about it.It's his insecurity that he will have to deal with,not your responsibility in any way . The Porn preference is the same, it matters not what Color they are. Though I would be concerned that he is watching porn instead of having a healthy and loving relationship with you .

        Which brings me to....

        1)Nowhere in your post is there any mention of Love. No positive statements like he's a Great Guy, he's supportive, emotionally and financially, no mention of Tender moments,Laughter, Gentleness .
        It's like you are talking about a Roommate or Boarder.

        2)You are having to pay your bills by yourself anyway. I'd boot his Butt out and get a responsible Roommate if you need help with the Bills . One that won't freeload and expect you to pay all bills on your own. I'm not saying get another Guy in your life, just someone who needs a place to live and is willing to pay their share.

        3)You are not married and he has no right to " Bug " your computer or look in your phone or spy on your mother or anyone else. Even if you were married, he still has no right to do that. it seems you are Co~ existing with a very insecure, controlling , irresponsible and immature man that is using you .
        It's time you take care of yourself and your kids . It may be hard at first, but you can do it, you are doing it now anyway for the most part .

        This is a Toxic Relationship. But if you feel there is a chance to mend this and if you want him to stay and try and work things out, Download a Rental Agreement, they are free online . Sit him down explain what is expected of him, how much, when due and have him sign it. Let him know this is Business, just like any other Business arrangement . No different than his loan at the bank, payment is expected the proper amount and on the due date .

        Now ask yourself is he worth all of this stress you are going through and that stress is passed on to your kids, they know when you are unhappy.. Why put yourself or them through this for a minute longer ?

        Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 02-20-2013, 02:48 PM.


        • I agree with the others. This man is irresponsible, disrespectful, dishonest, inattentive, dependent and uncommitted. It's time to take ownership of your life, kick him out and start treating yourself with the same respect you give your children. You are setting an example for them.

          Good luck


          • I don't think that it is possible to love a user, a cheater, a lier, a controller... The more webs they create, the more cautious we are, in walking into it.

            In his head, he was Divorced when he met you. More than likely, as you have children as well, he sees himself as paying (twice) $1200 to her $800 to you, without even thinking to himself, the $800 is living expenses, he lives in your house, it is not child support (again)...

            What concerns me more, is the way in which he has treated you, checking your undies, gross... Spywear? Discusting.

            You want him to find someone else and leave, kick him out.. This is your life, your house, your Mortgage, and he is freeloading because he thinks someone owes him...

            In addition, he is a control freak and has no respect what so ever, he will continue doing what he wants, sex, joining web sites, porn, outside of you.. Why on earth are you even worried about how to get more money out of him? Go back to where you were, you were happier then think about it, you struggled but you got through it and you will again and besides, he would eat up $200 of that in food and water and elecricity so you only have to find $150 a week worth of income to be financially where you need to be, now.


            • Thanks to all of you. I guess I was just needing some motivation...and your words helped. I know I sound stupid for putting up with everything...and then asking what to do...sometimes words of encouragement are all we need.
              I've been hesitant on kicking him out because I am a person who doesn't want to hurt another person - and I don't want him to not have somewhere to go...but eventually I know I have to do what's right for ME instead of other people (in this instance anyway).
              I would like to mention love - but I can't say that love is honestly there on my part. I think I 'fell out of love' with him years ago...but my tender-heartedness and concern for HIS feelings has stopped me from telling him that I don't and that I want him to leave.
              He tells me ALL the time he loves me...frankly it's a phrase that means nothing to me...and yes, I say it back because I don't want to hurt him.
              I know I am doing this to myself...and it is time I take a stand for what is good for me and not what's good for him. I am only 34 years old...and I see my life wasting away with him. I will not marry him once he is divorced, like I once thought I would (like he thinks I will)...I don't want to be with him forever...but I have to first get him out of my life so I CAN find that person that I DO want to be with forever.
              Thanks again for all of your words...


              • Good luck!
                Our thoughts will be with you and let us know how you're doing!


                • If he is happy to free load at the expense of you and your children while exploiting your kindness his sorry backside needs to leave ASAP, if for no other reason than he is a poor role model for your children.

                  Also, while I am the first person to insist that all other possibilities be exhausted before someone be branded (even with a mere accusation, since it does 'brand') of abuse (domestic violence or sexual abuse, or both since they often accompany one another) is that his behavior—excessively controlling to an unhealthy degree—is often accompanied by abuse in one form or another. Now, I am not saying that by being controlling you are automatically going to perpetrate some kind of abuse (although it can be a form of abuse in itself and can of course vary in its severity) the MAJORITY of men who abuse (physical and/or sexual) are excessively controlling.

                  The fact he is excessively controlling, coupled with his aversion to pay his way and exploit your kindness (men do get screwed in divorces but support isn't JUST about money, I'm sure if he was broke and pulled his weight in other ways it wouldn't be so bad) you really need to: CHANGE. THE. LOCKS.

                  I wouldn't want this man around my children if I were you.

                  Good luck x
                  No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...


                  • Leave. if not for you....for your kids. Trust me, as a child of a parent who was a user and didnt give a f--- about me, or my dad...leave. Your kids will be better off. He's also a poor example of a man to your children.


                    • Yes, you are right, sometimes the voices of others are the voices of yours, finally heard.

                      It is a good trait to have a kind heart and soul. In that, you will always get burnt but each time, just like anything in life, you will learn and it will make you a stronger person and guide you to what you will NOT accept next time in your life.

                      But, having a good heart and soul, does not mean you should suffer, we have one life and only one life, on this Earth as who we are.

                      The word love is definately used in-correctly, just comes out of one's mouth Doesn't it... So as you've done it / doing it, understand it. Then you will see clearly that his words are just words.

                      I tend to reverse the using, by looking at them and feeling sorry for them, knowing I know where I am going, but they have no idea at all how to love, and just live ....... You have the gift of living and loving so now go out there and find you, happiness within yourself, then someone to love you back .....
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                      • sounds like somebody i know...i oso dont know what to do


                        • You need to work hard to move on by pursuing your own interests & living your life to the fullest!



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