[recyclopsbtb]

I wasn't really sure about where to put this, but it has to do with my relationship so it's going in here.

I am 19 years old, and my boyfriend is 21.
He likes to drink with his roomates and other friends. He's not an alcoholic, just a normal 21 year old guy who enjoys getting silly sometimes.

I, however, do not like to drink. I grew up around drug addiction and partying/alcohol and as a child, I spent a lot of time in my room with my sisters while my parents did drug deals and drank/smoked with their friends.

Because of this, the party scene has no appeal to me. I've seen what drugs/alcohol do to people and the kind of life it can give you and I don't want that for myself or frankly anyone I care about.

But I don't want to tell my boyfriend I don't want him to drink anymore.
It's something he enjoys and it's not like he's out of control.

But here's the thing. It makes me feel inferior to his friends and other girls because I don't like to party. Currently, I am sitting up in his room alone while he is downstairs playing beer pong with the party downstairs.

It hurts my feelings a little bit that he left me up here to go do that when he knows I have no interest in drinking or caring for intoxicated people.

I just don't know how to tell him that it makes me feel like a kid because I don't like to party. (I know that sounds silly.)

I just kind of feel like I'm not as fun for him to be around because I don't like to partake in those kind of activities.

What should I do?
How should I tell him how I'm feeling without pressuring him to feel like he shouldn't drink?

(I have difficulties vocalizing how I'm feeling due to an abusive relationship in the past. My current boyfriend is nothing like the last, but being in an abusive relationship took it's toll on me.)

Help me out, girls.

[time2discover]

Have you ever spoken to him about your past? That could make him understand your
point of view. I don't think it would or should make him stop though. Have you considered
doing something else on those nights, so that you're not in the house listening to it.
Explain to him that it's just one thing that hits a soar note and so you won't stop him
but you'll go out and do something else those nights with a girlfriend or something.
At the same time, you show him that you trust him and want him to have his good time.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=recyclopsbtb;344787]I wasn't really sure about where to put this, but it has to do with my relationship so it's going in here.

I am 19 years old, and my boyfriend is 21.
He likes to drink with his roomates and other friends. He's not an alcoholic, just a normal 21 year old guy who enjoys getting silly sometimes.

I, however, do not like to drink. I grew up around drug addiction and partying/alcohol and as a child, I spent a lot of time in my room with my sisters while my parents did drug deals and drank/smoked with their friends.

Because of this, the party scene has no appeal to me. I've seen what drugs/alcohol do to people and the kind of life it can give you and I don't want that for myself or frankly anyone I care about.

But I don't want to tell my boyfriend I don't want him to drink anymore.
It's something he enjoys and it's not like he's out of control.

But here's the thing. It makes me feel inferior to his friends and other girls because I don't like to party. Currently, I am sitting up in his room alone while he is downstairs playing beer pong with the party downstairs.

It hurts my feelings a little bit that he left me up here to go do that when he knows I have no interest in drinking or caring for intoxicated people.

I just don't know how to tell him that it makes me feel like a kid because I don't like to party. (I know that sounds silly.)

I just kind of feel like I'm not as fun for him to be around because I don't like to partake in those kind of activities.

What should I do?
How should I tell him how I'm feeling without pressuring him to feel like he shouldn't drink?

(I have difficulties vocalizing how I'm feeling due to an abusive relationship in the past. My current boyfriend is nothing like the last, but being in an abusive relationship took it's toll on me.)

Help me out, girls.

Im rather confused to why he isnt upstairs worring about u. he may not be the guy for u. It seems. In my opinion. Expressing ur vent iw vital foe ur growth.. if u dont feel the need to drink.. Good for u. Im proud. U shouldnt have to. Hi btw..

[Pollon]

It is very important how you phrase your statement. Your title--"YOU"RE making me feel...." might provoke a response you don't want. The truth is that he is not doing anything to you (accept maybe ignoring you). "Partying" --which he happens to do--provokes a response in you.

So you might say. "Honey, because of things that happened when I was a child, being around people who are drinking/partying/getting high/etc. brings up some really uncomfortable feelings that I would rather avoid. I am not asking you to stop. I just want to let you know that when you are partying I may choose to go upstairs or do something away from the house."

Of course, it would probably be worth your time to get some professional help with this stuff, so you don't have to leave when other people decide to drink.

Then you could add. "I am going to see a counselor so that I can stick around and enjoy being with you when you are having your fun."

Obviously, he has the option of finding a girl who likes to do the things he does. Just as you can choose to associate with and date people who are more compatible.

That he left you alone while he was playing beer pong is insensitive. However, from what you have told him, he may have feared that had he come up to check on you while intoxicated, you might have had a strong negative reaction.

The key is to communicate what you need. So before he goes off to party, let him know what he can do to make you feel better....check on you, quit at a certain time, give you his blessing to go off with other friends, etc. Then you both know what to expect and won't be disappointed.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

I think you two are mismatched together...

[paulmichelle144]

Hi...
i think you won't spend to much time together if you do then You would have said that so no need to worry give more time to him lonely.then he will get you definitely and you won't have to say anything.first you get some confidence.

[Harmony]

If your BF was fortunate enough not to be exposed to the alcohol related atrocities you witnessed as a child then he will be naive to the suffering and misery it can cause, and he will therefore have difficulty identifying with your aversion. That is to say he'll simply not be able to understand why you would prefer to sit alone rather watch and listen to all of the idiocy they participate in when they're wasted.

It isn't unusual for a boy that age to behave like this, and to do so harmlessly and without inflicting suffering on anyone, I know because I did the same as he did.

As a man, I can assure you that unless you've spelled your concerns out to him in black and white, it's highly unlikely he realizes he's upsetting you.

I would say that, without meaning to jump to conclusions, you may also benefit from working through some of the difficulties you've experienced, since your childhood and the abusive relationship you speak of prompted both your childhood to end, you to start growing up prematurely. If he is oblivious to this then as a 19 year old man he's highly unlikely to be perceptive enough, or have the life experience to recognize what is going on (the average woman is 4 times more perceptive than the average man, with approximately 1 in 32 men being innately as perceptive as the average woman).

I'm not suggesting you leave your BF, but I am suggesting you prioritize, and start focusing on yourself and your well being before the relationship. I'm also guessing you haven't spent too much time single either?

If you would like some basic assistance (which has proven helpful to myself, and others) then please let me know either in this thread or via PM if you feel more comfortable.

Good luck x

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The lessons we learn in life, are always from experience, good or bad.

I firstly would like you to recognise this. I know that half of you is standing tall from that experience, the other desperately wants love, hense the abusive relationship... Stick to the half that is standing tall, it only gets better and better now as you get older.. This is your life now.

A suggestion. If you have advised him of your thoughts on all of this and why and he is ignorant to it, I'm sorry. But, if you haven't then do so. You are correct in as much as he has a right to live his life too and you are advising that he's not doing it all the time. We can't bring out past into our present. However, a solution would be that he moves these parties to someone elses house, so that, you may stay home but you are not part of it, upstairs in a room locked away. You've done that too much in your life and should not have to ever do that again.

[jns]

I also think you two are mismatched. It may be that later on he will like partying less, but there is no guarantee. The only thing that is certain is that he is not spending time with you when he's having fun with his friends and he seems to be fine with that. There is nothing wrong with that as long as he spends enough time with you. Is he spending a lot of time with you or does he spend most of his time with his friends?

As far as being pressured to drink, stand up for yourself and don't do anything you don't want to do. I have plenty of friends who smoke weed and sometimes someone tries to pass me a pipe. I simply refuse but do not try to change them. They respect that.