[azalea]

Pollon - I read some about "White Knight/Nightingale syndrome" and it was really interesting and made me think. Thank for for suggesting it. I've honestly never been the type to get into relationships because of a desire to "save" someone, so I'm not sure why I feel so protective of my best friend. He's good friends with both my boyfriend and I and comes to both of us for relationship advice, support, etc so I guess I just got used to the idea of wanting to help him. I've seen many of my dear friends struggle with loneliness, or maybe suffer in a bad relationship, and it always hurts to see... but I guess because of my attachment to him, I feel particularly sensitive. I need to separate myself from that and remember that he'll find his way.

Amy37 - thank you for your response. We have mutual friends, but I don't know that he talks to them much about his private feelings about relationships. I know I can only help him so much, as far as maybe introducing him to people, offering encouragement, etc. but I think you're right, I really shouldn't get too involved.

Thank you for all of your thoughts. It really helps me to get perspective on this, since I have nobody to talk to about it.

[Euphoric]

This person is a good friend to both you and your bf. When we have a friendship connection, we have compassion. I think you may be letting your compassion for your friend cloud your vision. You care about him, that is why you are friends. You want to console him, you want him to be happy because you think he is a good person. If you really want to help him and can talk about anything, maybe you should try to find out why he fails to find a girl. Is he shy? Does he try to meet people? If so, how and where? Is there a possibility of setting him up on a date?

One of my very best friends is a male. Like you, we can discuss anything, literally. And I love him dearly, but I'm not in love with him. I appreciate our friendship because from time to time, I like getting the male perspective. My friend is honest and he will tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, and vice versa. The key to having a close friend of the opposite sex is to set boundaries that you do not cross.
IMO, that is where some people slip up. Often times once that boundary has been crossed, the relationship, friendship, is not the same and from what I have witnessed, the relationship doesn't work out.

Have compassion for your friend, but do not lose sight of the man in your life. You can't allow other people's problems to become your own. Lend an ear, offer support, but keep your boundaries.

[azalea]

Thank you Euphoric! I have many close guy friends (in fact I have no close female friends) but I have absolutely no attraction to any of them. Many of them are mutual friends of my boyfriend and I. I'm not sure why, out of all of the platonic friendships I've had with guys, this particular guy is so attractive to me. I would set him up on a date, if I knew any girls myself! I've been trying to encourage him to give online dating a try, or maybe the three of us (my boyfriend, my best friend and I) joining some group meet-ups where we can make friends and possibly meet some dating prospects for him. He is overwhelmingly shy when it comes to girls, which is strange, because he's not an overly shy guy to be around. Especially when we're in the company of a few good friends, he really opens up and has a great charisma and sense of humor.

I definitely have boundaries. When my best friend and I are alone, we behave just as you would expect friends to, there are no awkward moments or longing gazes. It's clear he has no attraction to me. He has no shame in admitting his faults, regrets, and embarrassments to me. When he's around girls he likes he locks up and doesn't have quite the amount of confidence to talk to them as he does with me. It's a shame, because I think a girl would love his honesty, modesty, humor, charisma, and gentle nature. I am spending some time reading about different types of friendship and finding where this fits in. My logic tells me that this is the best place for us to be - best friends. But that obnoxious and uncontrollable sense of attraction just won't quit, no matter how much I acknowledge that he is not an option. I feel frustrated with my lack of control over my own thoughts. I've even tried taking up new hobbies to try to clear my mind.

My relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful, but sometimes becomes a bit too much for me to chew. He's talking about buying a house soon, and we have a few very deep problems like our different views on family (he really wants kids, I really don't. I want to stay with him, but it means I will have two choices: Have kids, or lose him.) We communicate very well, but these issues are HUGE in our minds, and we both have a stressful time confronting the subjects. He once said (maybe 6 months ago) he would have to leave me if I couldn't decide on having kids. I think that was the point when my crush on my best friend started taking over, because I guess it subconsciously brought me comfort to think about a lighthearted relationship with a slightly younger and more playful guy. My boyfriend was a little more outgoing and playful when we met, but he has less social needs than I do. When I'm out with my best friend, we're both reaching out to shake hands and meet people, but my boyfriend is just kind of content following along. So my best friend and I are both trying to expand our social circles and find friends, and it's kind of nice not to be alone in that pursuit.

My boyfriend and I have very few downs, but we also don't have too many exciting moments. However, when I read some of the terrible stories here from women with abusive partners, I feel endlessly grateful for him and know that it's incredibly important to keep our relationship healthy.

Thank you for reading all of my ramblings, friends :]

[Euphoric]

My relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful, but sometimes becomes a bit too much for me to chew. He's talking about buying a house soon, and we have a few very deep problems like our different views on family (he really wants kids, I really don't. I want to stay with him, but it means I will have two choices: Have kids, or lose him.) We communicate very well, but these issues are HUGE in our minds, and we both have a stressful time confronting the subjects. He once said (maybe 6 months ago) he would have to leave me if I couldn't decide on having kids. I think that was the point when my crush on my best friend started taking over, because I guess it subconsciously brought me comfort to think about a lighthearted relationship with a slightly younger and more playful guy.

I think you are finally getting to the root of the situation. On one hand, your bf is talking about serious commitment, buying a house. On the other hand, he has placed an ultimatum, agree to have children with me or I'm moving on. You are correct that this is a huge issue. Understanding and accepting what you both want in a relationship is essential. However, sometimes couples want the same thing, but life throws a curve ball into the mix. How committed is your bf to you? Let's say you agree that having children is something you aren't opposed to, but once you begin ttc, you are unable for medical reasons. Does he love you enough to remain committed to you, or would he walk away?

You also state that you both communicate well, until the conversation turns to matters that concern major issues. If I'm understanding you correctly, you feel like you communicate better with your friend than your bf. That is because your friend isn't placing demands upon you. It's important to remember that if you were in a relationship with your friend, realistically there would be times that you would have differences of opinions and the lines of communication may be complicated with him, as they are with your boyfriend.

It may be a good idea to slow down, take a deep breath, and evaluate what you want out of life. I know that you said you feel fortunate after reading some of the threads here concerning bad relationships, and that you should feel fortunate to be with a good guy. I will say this, just because he is a good guy doesn't necessarily make him the right guy for you. Know what you want, decide what compromises you are willing to make, and don't allow anyone to pressure you into something you aren't comfortable with.

[azalea]

How committed is your bf to you? Let's say you agree that having children is something you aren't opposed to, but once you begin ttc, you are unable for medical reasons. Does he love you enough to remain committed to you, or would he walk away?

Well, we HAVE come to the agreement that if we are having kids, they will be adopted. I have an overwhelming phobia of birth and pregnancy and I've already established that I do not intend on having biological kids. We did talk about this, and he said that even if he left me and found another compatible girl, there's no guarantee that she would be able to conceive either (in fact, for all we know, he isn't fertile; he's acknowledged that possibility, too.) So fortunately he is on board with adoption, but still, kids of any kind is a HUGE deal, and I feel at 25 I'm still too young to know yet. I didn't have the magical family life growing up that he did, so I NEVER imagined my future with a family. Sometimes we get on each others' nerves about the topic, because he's overly optimistic and I'm overly pessimistic about it. He's a couple years older than me and getting to the age where he's starting to focus on these things.

I think he is torn on how committed he is to me. On one hand, we have a lot of common goals, we communicate well and get along well, we love living together and being together, and he has plans buying a house together. However, with the looming decision of having a family, and I think he's not sure whether or not he should stay with me, or leave to find someone who will have a family with him... because if he waits for me to make a decision, it may start to become too late for him. I guess this is where my certainty with him started wavering a bit, and my crush started.

I don't think my crush is a more compatible match for me than my boyfriend. If he was, I'd make a decision to make a change. My best friend is a wonderful guy who I adore, he's a great listener, sympathetic, smart, and sincere, but I don't know that we would bond as romantic partners. I acknowledge that... but I think I'm fighting with a primitive instinct here. It's tough to consciously stop attraction.

[jns]

Now we have the part of the situation that providing the push from your bf. For many people having or not having children is a huge part of the foundation of their relationship. You seem ambivalent to having children and against having them through your own pregnancy. Your bf seems enthusiastic about having them any way possible. IMO, your views are incompatible but maybe the schism can be covered over. Maybe it will come back in the future and rip things apart. This uncertainty about a basic disagreement between your bf and you is driving your mind (maybe your unconscious mind) to consider other relationships.

Having children the natural way can be the cheapest way to have them. Having children through adoption or through medical intervention can be very costly. Why am I talking money? Because having or not having money can really change the direction of the relationship. It sounds like your bf would not have a problem spending 10's of thousands of dollars for adoptions. Would you go along with that?

Who would take care of the kids? Would he hire a baby sitter? Would you end up taking care of them even though you are not enthusiastic about it? Could he take care of them while you support the family? It's best to have the roles talked about before starting down this path.