[LizziB]

I'm not sure where to start and how much detail to go into, as I have several issues in my life that are probably all related, but I want to keep it short and sweet.

I feel as if i'm coming out second best in my relationship with my partner. He's a surfer, and it's no secret that's his number one passion and I feel that he puts his lifestyle ahead of me. In general i'm pretty easy going and it hasn't been a huge issue as of yet, but i'm starting to feel increasingly unhappy in the relationship. It's not just his lifestyle - he'll say something to me, not critical, but maybe offering a suggestion, but I'll take it personally like he's attacking me or I'll feel like a failure 'coz I can't do anything right'. This is obviously not my partners intention at all, and I know that, but I can't stop feeling that way, and then he'll get upset because i'm upset and it'll inevitably end up with me in tears and him at his wits end because he doesn't know why i'm upset and doesn't know how to make it better, and I have no answers either.

Also i'm not entirely happy in the bedroom, I can't orgasm vaginally, and my partner hasn't been able to get me there. I can get myself there during sex by using my hand, which I do most times, and he encourages me to. however when I get upset at him for other little things, I start getting resentful like I have to do everything, I have to do my orgasms and his orgasms and I give him hand jobs and blow jobs, and I start feeling really used.

i'm also not happy with our communication our lack thereof, but again, this rests on me, as I came from a family that never communicated much, and learnt that it's safer and less painful to keep ones thoughts to oneself. Obviously I know this will be more detrimental than helpful in the long run, but I feel so vulnerable and exposed when I try talking about my feelings, that most times outs so much easier to push them away and pretend everything is ok.

My partner has suggested I get counselling, and i'm seriously considering it. he's obviously concerned and perplexed, and although he's no prince charming, he's a good man and he wants me to be happy. I know I put a lot of blame on him that he doesn't deserve, but I find it impossible to look at it objectively and see if maybe he could make some changes to make me happy, our if that's just me being shallow and selfish. I really don't know what to do!

[Adviser]

I think the key thing is communication here. You say he is at his wits end because he doesn't know how you feel, but you have to tell him. People can't read minds!

In a relationship, non-communication will be more painful in the long run. If you bottle things up, you will become resentful. You need to learn how to tell him what is bothering you.

If you are unhappy in the bedroom, work on it slowly, but don't put pressure on yourself! May I ask how long you have been with your boyfriend?

Achieving vaginal orgasm is different for each person, for some it comes easily, others never do! I have only once in two years!

Does he perform oral on you? Maybe this would be a solution for him to give you an orgasm, and would make you feel less used if he is doing the same for you!

As for feeling second best, do you have anything in your life, hobbies etc, that sometimes make him come second place? Maybe taking up a hobby if you don't have one will make you feel less sensitive about this. If it is early days in the relationship, you can't expect to be number one straight away, it may take time.

If he is number one for you, and you aren't for him, you need to find a balance.

Let me know how you get on!

[amy37]

I agree with adviser.

Concerning the communication and expressing issue due to your history, you could practice here or on other forum. Just write and express yourself, over time you'll find doing it in person will be easier.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It sounds as if your boyfriend is grounded, has passion and knows the things he loves to do in life, all-be-it hobbies.

So, do you have any hobbies? Do you catch up with friends? Do you put a girly dress on and paint your nails just because?

Taking the communication out of it, it sounds as if you maybe in my opinion have low self esteeme and can't work out where you are heading, what you love and what passions you have.

Passion is a huge word and if you can find your passions and love yourself just that little bit more, you'll find that passion also in the bedroom.

And, you won't feel resent, or used... I don't believe. However, if he is a selfish lover and just takes and does and does not bother to find your weaknesses, your pleasures then that would be why you would feel used.

There communication is important to let him know, it's not all about "sex" rather intimacy and love, bonding in that connection and at this point in time, it is all about him, including you if I am correct in what you wrote, masterbating in front of him, as that is also a turn on for a man.

[LizziB]

We've been together foutre nine or ten months now but he also works away for two weeks and is home for one, which is another strain on the relationship, and something we both struggle with.

He does go down on me sometimes, I had to ask him to at first, and he did do it for a while but not so much lately. It hasn't for me close anyway, though I still like it. Also he's only my first and i'm only his second, so we don't have a lot of experience either!

With the communication thing, I know I need to improve on that, but it's the actual but what I really struggle with is putting my feelings and thoughts into words, and actually imitating the conversion. I'd much rather have it when we're happy and relaxed rather than when i'm already upset and irrational.

Chandlers list, the hobby thing is something he and I have already identified, and i've started painting again after a long hiatus, and i'm taking up horse riding again, even though he doesn't like horses and at first was against it, but 'I feel like he's being more supportive now, which i'm very grateful for.

what I really want is to be less sensitive, although I can sometimes control my reactions, I'll still feel hurt from things I know were never intended that way. most of the time we have a lighthearted and playful relationship, but i'm feeling more unhappy more and more often, and I really want it to work, and it scares me that I could be sabotaging it. So far he's been very patient with me, which I love him for I just don't know how long it will last.

Thanks for your help guys, my partner will be back from work in a few days so I'll try to talk to him about things, and see how it goes.

[jns]

Also i'm not entirely happy in the bedroom, I can't orgasm vaginally, and my partner hasn't been able to get me there. I can get myself there during sex by using my hand, which I do most times, and he encourages me to. however when I get upset at him for other little things, I start getting resentful like I have to do everything, I have to do my orgasms and his orgasms and I give him hand jobs and blow jobs, and I start feeling really used.

It sounds like you are resentful of him being able to orgasm easily and you struggling to orgasm. Should fault be assigned in this case?

It sounds like he went for oral and it didn't result in you orgasming. Did you keep encouraging him on this? Some guys are self starters on giving oral and do not have to be encouraged at it, others are not. Do you get any pleasure from oral?

Have you tried to teach him how to bring you to orgasm with his hands? He may not be able to do this while having intercourse due to it being distracting to him, but he could do it before sex. Would this be OK, at least to some degree?

Work schedules like his can feel like a LDR. Do you communicate regularly during his working days? It can help pass the time and keep doubts about the other from rising. Try to vary what is talked about, but have some mushiness, too. Further, it will get you both ready with anticipation. Communications does not have to be long sessions each time and should accommodate if the other is busy

[Trisha23]

A medical counselling would be best for you. But always remember, the first person that will be of great help is you yourself.

[LizziB]

Thanks for the advice, out of the last 5 weeks he's been home for 4 of those and things have been good, so i'm beginning to think his being away has more to do with it than I've previously thought. we've talked a bit more and he's been good by asking me to talk to him about how I feel, so its good because I feel like he's in this with me by helping me and it makes me feel very hopeful and positive about our future since we're both trying. i'm still going to consider counselling but I'll see how we go.

I also think it may have something to do with the fact hereally wants me to surf with him all the time. I like surfing, but recently have been struggling with fear and panic attacks and which leaves me feeling pretty frustrated and unhappy with myself and also kills any desire to surf, and I also feel like i'm letting him down every time I let fear get the better of me. And since surfing is his passion, it puts a lot of pressure on me. However that's another issue again!