[chubz23]

I know this is a woman's health forum, but I also know there are some men lurking about out there :P though, gay women or even women with overweight husbands can answer, too, I guess. the more the merrier!

Anyway, here is my conundrum:

I love my boyfriend. He loves me. In fact, he said I love you even before I did! He's wonderful. Treats me great, makes me feel attractive, and we get along famously. We're still both kind of new to the sex scene, so we've pretty much been each others firsts for a lot of things. I'm self conscious about my weight, and I asked him to wait a while before we got sexual. No huge amount of time or anything, maybe 3-4 weeks. Anyway, as wonderful as he is, and as much as I trust him, I'm terrified that my weight is going to ruin things for us. I was overweight when we met, so it's not like this crept up on us or anything. I'm also bi, so I know even though he says he finds me attractive and I believe him, I know the type of girls he looks at (because I look too lol) and they don't look like me. I don't care that he looks at other girls, honestly, it's just the type of girl. I try not to let it bother me too much, and I haven't said anything to him, but right now I'm working my *** off to lose as much weight as I can.

I'm really just looking for a guys thoughts on this. A guy I'm not dating and who will be honest lol.

I guess I just really need to hear that not all guys are the same, and can actually care for their SO even if they aren't a teeny-weeny blonde bombshell.

Extra info: We've been dating 6 1/2 months, are in our early 20s, and plan on living together in a few months.

[Stillness]

men lurking

Where?!

To quote Sir Mix-a-Lot: "I like 'em real thick and juicy!" But, I also find slender women attractive. And pretty much everything in between. When we were younger my wife (then just my "friend") got in really good shape and I have to admit that I found her less attractive because she slimmed down in two really key areas - the left butt cheek and the right one. She was still attractive and more energetic and I was happy for her.

Since you find women attractive, I'm wondering if it's only one type of woman or if you can see beauty in them all? For me it's the latter. I'm not extremely particular, but some men are. The main concern is your man and you. Obviously he finds you attractive. Looking at other women and finding them attractive is normal. Don't you find other men attractive?

We all have feelings of inadequacy from time to time. Be careful that you don't project your internal struggles onto his actions. Being overly jealous and suspicious will overshadow any physical beauty a woman can have.

[Pollon]

As a man, I encourage you not to buy into the Hollywood version of sex--right body, right emotion, right setting, right lighting, right music, etc. Expecting that will only lead to disappointment.

Attraction and sexual arousal are complicated things that involve much more than visual appearance. Example, most decent men could not perform sexually on a supermodel if she were crying (in pain) through the experience. At the same time, they would have no problem at all with a curvier woman who has a super attitude or who reminds them of their 8th grade teacher.

So don't get caught up in how you look. Just like women, men want to feel desirable, so your smile or sexual dialogue or outfit or attitude can be a huge turn on that far outweighs any perceived flaws in the visual experience. And, believe it or not, for some people sex is the ultimate manifestation of a deep emotional connection.

Try to look on it with positive anticipation and it will be great. And if your nervousness makes it a little awkward and things don't go as hoped, don't worry about it. Practice makes perfect.

[caster]

What a guy finds appealing to look at and appealing to live with can be two entirely differerent types of women.
I'm drawn toward fit petite women that can go from jeans, tank and ponytail look, to a little black dress and heels, I find them fasinating, yet I've been married to a 5'-7" woman for 30 years that doesn't exercise much and doesn't even own a dress.

[lizzardb63]

There's more to a woman and attraction than just looks. He loves you and he tells you out loud. I bet he not only loves your body but I bet he loves your personality too. Someone can initially be unattractive but once you get to know them and their personality they can become very attractive, or vice versa. You can see someone who you think is drop dead gorgeous but once they open their mouth and have a bad personality it makes them less attractive. He already knows you have a little weight on you and he's still going to like looking at you naked. Trust me, when you really love someone, no matter what you love everything about them, even that extra bulge here or there, etc. No one is perfect and I don't think he expects you to be.

Yes I am female, but I can tell you that my man looks at other women who are thinner than me, are prettier, who have nicer boobs, butts etc...but I know he loves me and wouldn't change me. Just because he sees and likes thinner girls doesn't me he only finds that ONE type of girl attractive. There are lots of different body shapes that are attractive to each person. That's just one of them and you're another too Be confident. You're a beautiful woman who has a kind heart. You can weigh 50 lbs more than the girl next to you but if you have confidence and she doesn't you'll automatically be more attractive to everyone in the entire room, regardless.

If you're really that self conscience the first time have sex with the lights dimmed a little or just a candle lit. It helps a little until you can get more comfortable being naked around each other. Also- you need to remember that it's not just your first time but his too. Guys worry about the same things that girls do "Does my belly look flabby, do I look muscular, does she think my weiner is small?" etc etc. Relax, take a deep breath, as long as you love each other it will be good.

[jns]

I guess I just really need to hear that not all guys are the same, and can actually care for their SO even if they aren't a teeny-weeny blonde bombshell.

My wife may be teeny-weeny, but she is definitely not blonde. I love her dearly.

A lover becomes more idealized for her partner. Besides, personality is the real compatibility issue.