[kati19]

Hello, so just recently my boyfriend and I of 2 years have gotten in a huge fight because I wanted him to stop watching porn. I was surprised at how much he fought for it and how much it meant to him. We are in a long distance relationship and we see each other about twice a year. We have an excellent relationship and we dont let the distance get between us. But when he watches porn, to me, it feels like emotional cheating. We have sex by fantasizing about each other. And when he goes and fantasizes about another woman, it really hurts me. I hate the thought of him looking at another naked woman and getting off to it.

So after the big fight, he asked me that if he stopped watching, it if I would even trust him. At first I said no, and he got hurt by it and said that he is a man that likes to keep his word. I thought about it and I actually feel like I can trust him. Then again there's part of me that doesn't...

Before this all happened, we would have skype sex occasionally. I have not expressed this to him yet but I get upset because we barely skype and when we do he always wants me to show him things..

Ever since we have gotten over that fight, he wants to skype every night and he wants to have sex EVERY night. Now I am seriously wondering how much he really did watch porn? And I feel that if I dont have sex with him then he will just go and watch porn. I want to fulfill his sex drive, but I want it to be more about love. It seems that he is just very horny a lot and only wants to get off. I understand it's hard having a connection through webcam. It is way different having sex with him when we see eachother and comparing skype to that, skype is very boring.

Please, any advice on how to take all of this? Should I confront him about how much he wants sex? Is there anything else I should talk to him about? Anything will help. Thanks

[HaplessDia01]

I think the problem you're coming across is that you are mixing up a lot of different things. One, porn isn't emotional cheating... It's just not. Men don't look at it to find their perfect girlfriend or the one they'd rather be with, they look at it to get off. Plain and simple. Often times, they don't even really remember what they looked at. It isn't important to them WHO the person is. It's more-so just a device that they use to get rid of the frustration. There's no emotional factor involved here. Two, sex isn't always going to be about lovemaking or displays of affection. Sometimes it simply is what it is, and I know that's infuriating for a lot of women. However, it has NOTHING to do with you nor should you base your self-esteem on it. And yes, the two can often be entwined. Would he rather look at porn then be with you? No. Would he rather have sex with someone else then have sex with you? No. But that doesn't mean he isn't going to have sexual urges when you're not around nor should he feel like he HAS to curb them back for your best interest. So, you asked him to stop looking at porn which is a cruel and overly demanding request that you had no business making anyway... but he did what you asked. You wanted to be the entire outlet for his sexuality, but now you're burdened with the intensity of that task. I don't think we should feel sorry for you in this scenerio, because none of your complaints have anything to do with him. It would be different if porn was interfering directly in your lives - if he was choosing porn over sex with you, if he was absorbing himself in masturbation rather then intimacy, etc - but it wasn't. So, it wasn't your place to ask him to change his habits. You need to deal with YOUR feelings about it, and realize that your actions are not healthy or beneficial to anyone whatsoever. He is ALLOWED to express his sexuality as an INDIVIDUAL. He is ALLOWED to view these things which he has been within reason and with discreetness. So, deal with your feelings, talk to him about it if need be, and please try to get over it for the betterment of your relationship.

[Stillness]

I think your preference to have a man that doesn't look at other women for sexual gratification is reasonable and understandable. If you had that agreement and he went back on it, it is a type of cheating. I just wanted to say that. I don't know much about how to manage a long distance relationship like yours. I hope you work it out.

[rcoreyus]

He was watching porn as a masturbation aid for sexual release. If he stops that, then it is reasonable the he will want some other release. Different people want different amounts of sex, but wanting release daily isn't unusual.

I think that people have a right to masturbate with whatever aids they wish (toys, porn, etc) if their partners are not available for sex at that time.

If you are willing to be intimate (in some way) with him whenever he wants sex, then I think its reasonably to ask him to stop watching porn. If there are times when he wants sex but you aren't interested, then I think it is OK for him to use porn. The same would apply to you wanting sex, and if he isn't interesting at that time, your using a vibrator or other aid.

[Hannah30]

If you want to date a man that doesn't look at porn, then you're going to be disappointed. All men look at porn. You see him twice a year. Be realistic.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi kati.

Do you have any other communication?

In reading your post, I read, you have seen each other twice a year so 4 times in 2 years. You barely skype and if you do he wants sexual webcam.

I suspect a fight then occured over webcam when he asked you to do things and you started to let him know without letting go, letting your innerself speak totally that you don't feel loved, rather sexual and porn came into the conversation. I am gathering that from that, he then blamed you for watching porn and demanded/suggested more webcam if you wanted him to stop.

This concerns me. A relationship is built on love. You are correct. Men respect women they love. Sometimes they keep somethings to themselves, they try to compromise, they try to make their woman feel loved.

You state you have a good relationship? I think maybe you don't and we'd love to discuss this a bit further get a better picture of it all and see if we can offer you some further opinions.

And, if not, at least pour your heart out a bit more about how you are feeling, venting is good.

CW