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If role playing rape is the only thing that turns a man on, does this mean he is dist

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  • If role playing rape is the only thing that turns a man on, does this mean he is dist

    original post: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...tml#post320717

    I posted a while ago about my traumatic experience with my now ex who was released from prison. Because of all the wonderful and informative advice, i had enough strength to move on in my healing process. Its been a little over a year now since it happened and out of the blue I got a random text which is clearly the current “new girl” of my ex.

    She said she wanted answers. (My ex had been away in prison for 10 years and has been out a little over a year now) She asked me if he was ever physically abusive and if he ever asked me for weird sexual favors, I asked like what and she says anal. I said no. Then she says “nothing painful or weird, and again,I said no to both. Then she asked if I had ever suspected that he may be gay or bisexual. I told her I had my suspicions because he wasn’t very responsive to me sexually. She then asked me if violence and anal sex was the only thing that turned him on in the bedroom. I told her that he was very violent with me in any way. She said the only thing that turns him on is playing rape! She then asked me if i got tested since we broke up and I told her yea that I was clean and then she said to make sure i ask them to test for hpv. I told her again, that I am clean.

    I was completely baffled, a million things were running through my head. I feel sick, overwhelmed…idk…What do you think?

  • I think she is a woman looking desperately for answers. She thinks you have them. Really, it's only your ex that has the answers to why he is the way he is ... and until he can understand himself, maybe he should avoid romantic connections with others. If she wants to continue a relationship with such a confused individual, that's up to her, but if it's upsetting to you to talk about him and his new relationship, you should ask her not to contact you.

    It would probably be worth your time to call up your gyno's office and ask them to review your file and tell you if they tested for HPV. According to my doctor, something like 90% of people have it (though this could have been a local statistic,) and I was not informed when I tested positive for it on my pap. It is something your body can take care of on its own.
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    Comment


    • It sounds like his time in prison has cross-wired his brain so violence and rape is part of sexual foreplay. Studies on animals have shown that those areas in the brain are nearby. I hope his new girl realizes where everything is leading and gets out.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Prison in the US is very brutal - its easy to imagine that people are left with long term psychological scars. He may have been raped himself many times.

        Comment


        • Thank you for all the replies. I guess it was so shocking to hear because he was never physically or sexually violent with me, Nor did he ever ask me for any weird sexual favors that she expresses. He was emotionally abusive at times. I guess it got worse since then.

          **little I had the HPV shots when i was young and i did ask to be tested for it after my relationship with him, and i do not have it. Thank God for that.

          Comment


          • I just want to say how happy I am to read that our members helped you move on and out of that situation....

            How do you think she got your phone number?

            I agree, she desperately is searching for answers and that 10 years in prison in USA probably led him to being raped.. Perhaps it's all he now knows.

            But, I would say if she texts messages you again? Let her know that you wish to now leave that part of your life in the past.. Hopefully, she will understand and not contact you again.. You need to continue to grow and move on, not be reminded.
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
              I just want to say how happy I am to read that our members helped you move on and out of that situation....

              How do you think she got your phone number?

              I agree, she desperately is searching for answers and that 10 years in prison in USA probably led him to being raped.. Perhaps it's all he now knows.

              But, I would say if she texts messages you again? Let her know that you wish to now leave that part of your life in the past.. Hopefully, she will understand and not contact you again.. You need to continue to grow and move on, not be reminded.
              It is uncertain how she got my number. When i asked her that, he response was "out of a phone" i'm assuming it is his phone.
              I guess he was raped and i did question his lack of interest in me sexually but never did i imagine hat it was to the extent that she described. He has never put his hands on me, it seems like his true self has unleashed on to her.

              she has all the answers she sought and upon discovering that her baby father is treating her far worse than he has ever treated me is probably eating her up inside. What she will do with that information i don't know.

              Comment


              • also, didnt know that a person being raped can lead them to act out that same behavior on another which makes me wonder why he never unleashed these urges onto me, and why it is coming out now.

                Comment


                • Maybe he was with you a shorter time than with her. Also, since he knew you from before, he may have made a greater effort to hold back. It is also possible that this is a thing that has been building for a while. Possibly when he first got out, he was trying to see how he would respond to female companionship again. Also, the Coolidge Effect may have played a part, where the time spent with you was a new physical relationship. When the relationship with her lasted long enough, he may have started having erectile dysfunction type problems that he found he didn't have with rape and violence as foreplay. It would be hard to say even for a psychological expert without interviewing and testing of him.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  ...
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by jns View Post
                    Maybe he was with you a shorter time than with her. Also, since he knew you from before, he may have made a greater effort to hold back. It is also possible that this is a thing that has been building for a while. Possibly when he first got out, he was trying to see how he would respond to female companionship again. Also, the Coolidge Effect may have played a part, where the time spent with you was a new physical relationship. When the relationship with her lasted long enough, he may have started having erectile dysfunction type problems that he found he didn't have with rape and violence as foreplay. It would be hard to say even for a psychological expert without interviewing and testing of him.
                    I think you may have hit it on the nose. He could never keep an erection with me, ever! I thought it was me and then started to question if he was ever attracted to e. Nothing i did got him aroused. I think this made him angry and thats when he started to withdraw from sex all together.

                    I also think your assumption is correct about him holding back because he knew me and i was also very close to his family so there may have been a fear that i would expose him. He doesn't even claim this girl.

                    i think he did realize that he couldn't respond to female companionship and because he couldn't he had to make it look like it was me and treat me as though i was the problem to make himself feel better.

                    This is all very scary and disturbing and I thank God that I am out of it!

                    Comment


                    • What bothers me is that it's been over a year and he still has your phone number stored, which means:

                      - He's talked about you to his new girl (so she'd know who to text)
                      - He might find these texts on her phone if he checks it.
                      - He might be the one who sent them (extreme, but possible)
                      - She either went through his phone to get your number or looked you up online (if it's possible to find a person's cell phone number over the internet where you live). If she went through his phone, then this can happen again in 2, 5 or 10 years by another new girl.

                      It'd be a good idea to change phone number. You don't need to be reminded of him after what you've been through.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by stressed View Post
                        What bothers me is that it's been over a year and he still has your phone number stored, which means:

                        - He's talked about you to his new girl (so she'd know who to text)
                        - He might find these texts on her phone if he checks it.
                        - He might be the one who sent them (extreme, but possible)
                        - She either went through his phone to get your number or looked you up online (if it's possible to find a person's cell phone number over the internet where you live). If she went through his phone, then this can happen again in 2, 5 or 10 years by another new girl.

                        It'd be a good idea to change phone number. You don't need to be reminded of him after what you've been through.
                        Thank you for responding. I can't change my number yet for business reasons but I see where you are coming from. SHe was very vague with her response on my question of how she got my number. She most likely did get my number from his phone which was shocking to me also because I erased his number a long time ago.

                        Trying to help her by answering her questions has opened old wounds and now all I can do is find a way to forget about it and move forward.

                        Comment


                        • It wasn't clear if he wanted play-rape, or real rape. If it is only play-rape and he will stop when asked, then he may have all sorts of psychological issue, but may not be dangerous. If his play blends into reality (won't stop if she tells him to), then that is a whole different issue.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post
                            It wasn't clear if he wanted play-rape, or real rape. If it is only play-rape and he will stop when asked, then he may have all sorts of psychological issue, but may not be dangerous. If his play blends into reality (won't stop if she tells him to), then that is a whole different issue.
                            she said play rape but didn't elaborate on it. But she asked about weird sexual favors such as anal and asked me if he asked me for anything weird or painful. The she asked me if the only thing that turned him on in the bedroom was violence and anal... I assumed from that, that she was disturbed by it and that the experience was violent. She also asked me if i suspected him of being gay or bisexual... for her to ask that she must have some indication that would lead her to suspect that.

                            Comment


                            • I completely understand her being disturbed - many people would not want to engage in this sort of activities. My concern was whether he was just "asking" for these things and allowing her to say no, or if he was really forcing her. In the first case she can leave, in the second he is a real danger to her and others.

                              What makes the more complicated is that there are some people (male and female) who do enjoy violent play - which is fine between consenting adults. How to separate this from a man with psychological problems as a result of violence in prison is difficult.

                              I am really horrified and ashamed at the conditions in our prisons. I have a friend who spent time in a women's prison and while those are much less violent, rape was still a regular occurrence and completely ignored by the guards. Often inmates end up with the choice of joining the rape, or being raped.

                              Comment

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