Boyfriend lies about watching porn

[mandy23]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 1/2 years. He's 24 and I'm 26. I make sure I stay in shape for him, buy new bras, laungerey, etc. We have had a good sex life, it goes through phases, for a while our sex life will be amazing and then we'll go through phases where we have sex less and its not as exciting. I give him head and try to try new positions, etc. but he does want to do some things I don't really enjoy, like anal for example. Our sex life hasn't been that great lately and I thought maybe it had to with him loosing his job last month. But I downloaded a computer search program and found out he has been looking at porn. I caught him the first time about 3 years ago and I got really upset, I know maybe I'm being old fashioned or prudy but I told him it really hurt my feelings, made me feel like I wasn't enough, etc. And he apologized and said he would look at it anymore. Then I caught him again about a year later, the same thing happened. I told him I really think it hurts our relationship because I worry hes thinking about these girl, it makes me feel insecure and trust him less because he lies to me about it.

Most recently I caught him about 4 months ago and he was sooo apologetic and said he has a problem, etc. but he would tell me if he broke down and did it again. I said okay because the lying bothers me a lot. Most recently, the other night I thought he may have been looking at porn and i asked him about it. He said he hadn't but I didn't quite believe him, I asked him again later and he looked right in my eyes and promised that he wasn't.

Obviously him looking at porn bothers me (makes me feel insecure, unwanted, etc.) but the fact that he could look me right in the eyes, multiple times and lie to me is what really worries me. I have read a lot of online posts and people say if hes lying and you can't handle him looking at porn, you should probably just break up. But obviously that easy for people to say that aren't in the relationship. I really feel like hes my soul mate, hes the only person I've ever been really comfortable with and I love him soo much but him being able to look me in the eyes and lie to me, obviously isn't okay. I really don't know what to do.

[rcoreyus]

His watching porn has nothing to do with you - for most men it is just a masturbation aid like a vibrator is to some women. He is most likely not comparing you to the women in the movies. He is lying because he knows how upset it makes you, but he wants to keep watching.

To me the big dividing line on whether porn watching is a problem is whether it is damaging your sex life. If he is turning you down for sex but watching porn, that is a huge problem. OTOH, if he is just watching when you are not available for sex then to me that is no worse than you masturbating if he is not available.

You say that your sex life hasn't been great lately - and that could be a sign that he is getting jaded / desensitized by porn. OTOH you say you caught him 3 years ago, and I suspect he has been watching porn all along. Of course his watching habits may have changed recently, but it may also be that the current issues with your sex life are not related to porn. Also possible that if he lost his job he has a lot more time to watch.

I think that he will keep watching porn - it seems to be important to him. Whether you can accept that or not is entirely up to you. If you can't accept it, I suggest that you leave. This isn't in any way a question of blame, just a question of whether you are compatible with each other.

Other people will probably post with very different ideas. This is an extremely divisive issue. To me, porn is exactly equivalent to masturbating with a sex toy. To others it is exactly equivalent to cheating. People will not convince each other of either, they just have to accept that opinions vary.

[mandy23]

The porn bothers me a lot, but I think its something I could maybe accept. Him looking me in the eyes and lying to me is much worse, if he can lie like that, how do I know he wouldn't lie about other things?

[rcoreyus]

Most people will lie under enough pressure. I am only guessing, but consider how this could play out. He likes watching porn and thinks that this is a private thing he has a right to do. He thinks that you will not accept porn. He now has a choice: He can stop watching and feel that something that he believes he has a right to has been taken away - that he is giving in to what he sees as an unreasonable demand. He can keep watching and tell you - and he imagines that you will leave him and he will lose the woman he loves. He can keep watching and lie to you, and at least until you find out there is no harm to anyone.

I think this is an example of why it is so important for a couple to be compatible in many ways. It is a terrible strain on a relationship for there to be this pressure to lie - partly because once the deception starts it is easy to expand it further .

So, I really think you need to either accept his porn watching, or leave. Pressuring him to stop is very unlikely to work - and if it does he will resent that you have "forced" him to give this up. I'm giving you the choice because you are the one who posted. If he had posted I would tell him decide if he is willing to live his life without porn ever, and without feeling deprived. If not then he should leave rather than hide it from you.

[Noone12345]

NEED ADVICE!!!

my boyfriend and i have been together on and off for about 3 years now. In the past he would lie to me about stupid stuff which makes me think what else could he lie about. Over the past year things seem to be going better. Before this past year one time he went to the bathroom and after he was away from his phone i looked at it and i saw he had watched porn. Before that he promised me he wouldnt do that because i explained to him how it makes me feel. Ever since then i feel so uneasy like hes lying to me about still watching it. Everytime i ask him he gets defensive and angry towarda me. I have asked him pretty recently and he said he hasnt since the one time i caught him. I am so lost and unsure of what to do. Can someone please give me advice asap.

[Noone12345]

To add to the post above... i have to be careful about how i approach things because he gets so defensive. I want this relationship to work more than anything im just worried im going to **** him off by asking over and over but something tells me he is still watching that stuff. Im really bothered and i dont know what to do.

[amy40]

NEED ADVICE!!!
. Before this past year one time he went to the bathroom and after he was away from his phone i looked at it and i saw he had watched porn. .

Noone
haven't seen any activity from you since your post; guess you figured out what to do