[jns]

The problem is this, I have run intothis with most guys! This is my fwb, and I was not looking for a relationship beyong friends. Now he's acting different and it hurts me because I know he's going to drop me as a friend. And valachi, I've heard these same guys who do this say the same thing as what u just said. They say I have feelings and I'm not like that and its not going to be a hit it and quit it kind of thing. It gets to the point where u think u have found the right guy but he was blowing smoke the whole time.

I felt I was safe with a fwb relationship because if the benefits cease which they have then we can still be friends but I know he's not going to care to be my friend past a work acquaintance.

I like to have sex, but sex must be held off until a relationship is better developed. This is what I think I have to do to find a guy thatvvalues me for me and not for what's between my legs, whether its a friendship or relationship im seeking...the only thing that sucks is I myself enjoy the fun of sex but why must it complicate things.

And also, talking to guys and asking them about it I've gotten this: Ex bf told me that every guy friend I thought I had only was my friend for one reason, they wanted sex. Fwb told me that the only wayhes friends with a girl is if she's unattractive and he doesn't want sex from her. He's also said that guys don't like hanging out with girls as friends, they'd rather hang out with guys.

Honestly I don't want to hear a guy reply to this saying he's not like that, I've heard it soooo many times before that it makes it hard to know what to believe.

I know I've made mistakes and chosen the wrong guys sometimes, but sometimes u really.believe u are making the right decision... Grrrr

I don't think I could ever have a fwb relationship, or at least not one that would go on for long. This is because I am a guy who would develop feelings sooner, not later. I believe many guys and girls will have this problem if the relationship goes on long enough.

A person may say that they just want sex and friendship, but if they feel something more and the structure of the arrangement doesn't allow for upgrading, they'll become sullen and ditch the friendship part. The sex part will become more mechanical and maybe one sided. Part of it is that the emotional attachment has to be buried, but along with that spontaneity and excitement also disappear. A guy will keep the sex part as that is fulfilling what he sees as a need and that need is best fulfilled with a woman. The friendship gets buried because it brings up the nascent emotional attachment, and he cannot deal with that. Remember, guys are generally not good at dealing with emotions. They would rather convert them to action or anger.

A friendship is an altogether different thing. Friendships are built on common interests and doing things together. If sex is not involved, they can stay that way for a long time and may never include a growing attraction component. A friend values your opinion and you value theirs. This does not mean that those opinions have to cover every subject. You may have a friend that you value for financial advice an another that you value for relationship advice. And maybe another for what's happening in the music scene. Guys can have friends who are girls if this is what their relationship is based on.

If sex is involved, emotional involvement is likely to follow, whether it is acknowledged or not. A lot of it is due to hormones causing a heightened emotional state, euphoria and bonding. It takes a mature person who is tightly in control of his or her emotions to not give in.

Many guys are just in it for the sex. They wine and dine until they get what they want and then put the wining and dining on the back burner. The wining and dining is not the same as spending time going out with a friend. A guy can be friends with a girl who is physically attractive, but the more physically attractive she is, the more likely it is that he will develop a crush on her. Of course, her personality and eccentricities also play a part as does what the guy views as physically attractive.

You may do better having an attentive partner who is only in it for the sex. And by sex, I mean a two way street. Adding the demands of friendship often makes the situation untenable.

[jns]

As a woman it stinks not being able to have sex as soon as I want in fear that a man may think I'm easy or not worth it. For guys, its almost expected in today's societythat they are able to have sex as soon as they want without looking "easy". I get turned on as well and I think sex is fun, but I also see how it is complicating things.

...

I swear I'm human and I'm not a bad person. I just want to be happy with someone to care about and who will care about me. Why do I have to find this good man why is he not looking for me?

For a guy who knows you are the one, having sex within hours of meeting or delaying it possibly for years will not make a difference in what he thinks of you.

He is looking for you as you are for him, it's just you two haven't found each other. Good luck and best wishes in your search. A question to ask though, are you willing to take the plunge with him when you find each other (commitment not necessarily marriage)?

[Calicorado83]

T Jns, both of your replies were amazing. Everyone's were, these are replies I am going to nit pick and try to apply to my life the best I can.

Jns, you said in your first reply, "Remember, guys are generally not good at dealing with emotions. They would rather convert emotions. They would rather convert them to action or anger."

This explains why he blew up on me I guess. I could not understand for the life of me why when I told him we couldn't be friends and I didn't want to talk anymore, he blew up like a volcano, cussing, insulting me, overexagerating things and becoming sarcastic. I have never seen him like that. I thought I could let him go easier than that but it was like he wouldn't allow it. I kept thinking, If I am so much drama for him, if I am too jealous, if I am too impulsive and childish, why does he just not let me let him go?

He was sooooo angry...
I am angry with him now for some of the things he said to me during his moments of anger. Grr...

And you asked if I would be ready for commitment with a man Jns, I think I would be. I think I would be willing to let my feelings grow deep roots and make it a serious thing for a long time if we both mutually wanted that.

[azalea]

And the previous poster is right, I am the common denominator in all my bad relationships.
My bad choices...
I'm the reason why I'm complaining and carrying on.

( ( (

I swear I'm human and I'm not a bad person. I just want to be happy with someone to care about and who will care about me. Why do I have to find this good man why is he not looking for me?

Aww, I'm sorry :[ I hope I didn't make you feel bad about yourself... you shouldn't. I know how hard it is to control who you're attracted to. It's such a natural instinct, and sometimes we probably can't even pinpoint what it is that draws us to someone. I definitely dated the wrong guys for a while because I was attracted to things that didn't truly reflect the kind of person they would be in a relationship.

The right men are certainly looking for you, they just don't know where you are :] You're probably in a position where you don't really get to meet too many new people. Meeting people can be tough... it depends on the line of work you're in, or the hobbies you're involved in, being in school, etc. I have a few friends who just never get to meet new people, and don't know where to meet guys except clubs and bars... and there's not necessarily any high-quality choices in those places, heh.

[Calicorado83]

Just for the heck of it, I'm going to reflect on where I have met my boyfriends.

Fwb I met at work.
My sons father met at work.
Met the band guy at the bar/mutual friends.
Bobby was my next door neighbor.
The guy before met through a friend at work.
And Chris, my first love at 17, was my next door neighbor.

Lol. I don't stray far from work and home do I? Lol.

I really am going to take all of this advice to heart and apply it to my next relationship. I am tired of ending up hurt.

I think its not about finding the right person but being the right person too...that's kind of what I get out of a lot of the replies here.

Again, thank you. WH to the rescue...

[jns]

Remember, guys are generally not good at dealing with emotions. They would rather convert them to action or anger.

A few thoughts about this. In most societies, if not all societies, guys are allowed to express only a few emotions strongly. They are socialized this way from the time they are born. After a while, it is natural to take emotions that are forbidden and convert them to ones that are allowed.