[Lcturner3]

Hi everyone.

I'm new to the forum and need some advice. Lately(past two months) I've been stressed and having self esteem issues. I feel like I'm not good enough in things that I do(work, hobbies, ect.) but now it's affecting my relationship.

I was never one with confidence problems before last year. I was dating a guy for 5 years and we broke up in March. We struggled to make it work prior to that but after we broke up I tried everything to get him back and make it work. He always turned me down and I was really depressed for about 6 months afterwards. I struggled then with feeling like I wasn't worth trying to be with.

Fast forward to November...I began dating someone who was a friend for a few years prior. I have never been in love like this before. He makes me so happy and we get along extremely well up until a few months ago.

It's like the issues with not feeling good enough have come back. Nothing major triggered this and he doesn't do anything to make me feel like he is going to leave. In fact he tells me often how he isn't going anywhere. But it's just the memories of being hurt come back. I'm not sure why they did or how I can get over them.

I get worried when we're out somewhere that he will see a girl he thinks is more attractive than me or more fun than I am. I'm extremely bothered when an ex is brought up when I'm around(by him or someone else). These things never were an issue before. I was never a jealous person and that's one thing my current boyfriend was attracted to.

I really need some advice on how I can get over this. Is this just something time will heal?

[Pollon]

Five years is a long time to be with someone and it takes some significant time to grieve that loss. Part of the grieving process is understanding what caused the relationship to end. Have you done that?

You didn't mention your age, but that would play a factor in this.

Fill in some more details about your previous relationship and we might be able to offer more.

[Lcturner3]

Five years is a long time to be with someone and it takes some significant time to grieve that loss. Part of the grieving process is understanding what caused the relationship to end. Have you done that?

You didn't mention your age, but that would play a factor in this.

Fill in some more details about your previous relationship and we might be able to offer more.

I'm 23. We began dating at 17 and kind of grew up together. You learn and grow a lot from the age of 17 to 22. We just grew to become different people. I had a hard time accepting it because he was all I knew for so long. I really thought for the longest that we would get married and that changed so I had a hard time accepting it. It was an extremely hard break up. One that hits you after it happens. I would literally beg him back and he just became extremely cold towards me and hateful. I went to counseling for a while to deal with it. I lost my father 5 months prior to the break up so I was really depressed. I finally began to heal and after I was (mostly) okay in November I began dating my current boyfriend whom I feel is my actual soul mate. The connection we have is unreal. He understands me and is very supportive. He is, however, a man and he sometimes doesn't always show how he is feeling.

I just get scared he will change his mind. Or the same will happen with this relationship that happened with the past one. I know that you cannot compare two relationships but I'm so burdened by the fear of loosing someone I love(like my dad & my ex) that I'm afraid to completely open up to him and it's beginning to become more of an issue and causing me to become jealous and be negative about myself(feeling not good enough, like I'm almost not capeable of being loved because of how my last relationship ended.). I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't know what else to do! It's like I feel as if my boyfriend deserves better, someone who is always happy and doesn't have insecurity issues like myself.

[Euphoric]

Lc,

You invested five years of your life in a relationship. Having a hard time dealing with the breakup is understandable, and I think that the timing —losing your father and then five months later your partner — sent you into a downhill spiral. You sought counseling after these losses because of depression. It may be worth seeking counseling so that you don't inadvertently sabotage your current relationship.

I know that you cannot compare two relationships but I'm so burdened by the fear of loosing someone I love(like my dad & my ex) that I'm afraid to completely open up to him and it's beginning to become more of an issue and causing me to become jealous and be negative about myself(feeling not good enough, like I'm almost not capeable of being loved because of how my last relationship ended.).

Anxiety is real and can have detrimental effect on a person's health and wellness if not properly treated, whether that be in the form of counseling and/or medication. I think most people compare relationships. But here's the thing...you can't make one man pay for another man's mistake - meaning - you shouldn't assume your soulmate will dump you because you've hit a stumbling block. However, when you close yourself off by not opening up, and become jealous and negative, that is a breeding ground for disaster.

You acknowledge your thought and feeling, and you are obviously have a hard time dealing with these emotions.

Love yourself enough to invest in your well-being.

Best Wishes! E

[Lcturner3]

Lc,

You invested five years of your life in a relationship. Having a hard time dealing with the breakup is understandable, and I think that the timing —losing your father and then five months later your partner — sent you into a downhill spiral. You sought counseling after these losses because of depression. It may be worth seeking counseling so that you don't inadvertently sabotage your current relationship.





Anxiety is real and can have detrimental effect on a person's health and wellness if not properly treated, whether that be in the form of counseling and/or medication. I think most people compare relationships. But here's the thing...you can't make one man pay for another man's mistake - meaning - you shouldn't assume your soulmate will dump you because you've hit a stumbling block. However, when you close yourself off by not opening up, and become jealous and negative, that is a breeding ground for disaster.

You acknowledge your thought and feeling, and you are obviously have a hard time dealing with these emotions.

Love yourself enough to invest in your well-being.

Best Wishes! E

E,
Thank you so much for the kind words and positive reinforcement! I've been really trying hard these past few days and I feel better. My boyfriend has also noticed that my attitude has changed and I'm starting to be like the person he first started dating.

I know that the honeymoon phase is close to ending...we're comfortable with each other now and that can bring up some problems. However, I want this relationship to last and I would really beat myself up if I drove him away by my insecurities.

I printed out the advice you gave me and I'm keeping it in a pocket in my purse so whenever I feel like I'm struggling, I can just take it out and read it. I also looked up some past post of women having the same issues as me. I think this will help me a lot.

We also sat down the other night and had a long talk and he understood why I was feeling the way I was. I think him understanding has helped a lot as well.

Thank you for your reply! Have a wonderful weekend!

[Pollon]

You are still very young. And because you spent those very formative years from 17-22 in a relationship, you haven't had the opportunity to develop yourself as an individual rather than half of a couple. The result is that you probably have some difficulty being alone which greatly magnifies the threat of losing a partner. Therefore, any perceived or imagined threats to this relationship can trigger massive anxiety.

You may or may not be able to control your anxiety and/or preserve this relationship. If this relationship should end, it would be very valuable to spend at least a year or two developing yourself as an individual outside of any romantic relationship.

Good luck

[Euphoric]

Lc,

Glad you are feeling better. Take it one day at a time. I have a feeling you have a lot to offer in this relationship and failed to give yourself the credit you deserve. Have a wonderful weekend

Euphoric

[donnaatthegym]

20 ways to feel more confident:

Don’t snoop unless you really have good reason not to trust him. Emails and voicemails taken out of context can cause a lot of unnecessary heartache.
Give him a little friendly competition. It doesn’t hurt for him to know that your tall, built, wildly successful artist friend from college periodically tells you you’re the one who got away and it’s the biggest regret of his life.
Skip the games and be up-front. If something’s bothering you, tell him directly. Guys don’t know what to make of it, and it shakes them up and gives you the upper hand.
Be confident in yourself. Finish your degree, apply for the better job, or write that novel. If you have a good sense of your own self-worth, you’ll be confident in your relationship.
Set some ground rules at the beginning. If you both agree that Friday is the night for hanging out with your friends separately, it won’t be a conflict when he wants to play poker or you want to take a short road trip with some girlfriends.
Don’t let the relationship progress too far without discussing major issues. Having children, religious differences, whether either of you is willing to relocate for a job — these can be landmines in the future.
Work out. It reduces stress and releases endorphins and makes you hot.
Be affectionate. If he returns the affection, it’ll make you confident. If not, it’s time to find a new boyfriend who is affectionate.
Avoid the temptation to endlessly analyze details. If he wears the shirt his ex-girlfriend bought him, it may just mean that it’s the only clean white shirt he has that day.
Similarly, avoid discussing relationship issues with paranoid girlfriends. Paranoia is contagious, and before you know it, you’ll be worrying if your boyfriend is cheating, because your friend’s husband came home smelling of Angel when she only wears Poison.
Have lots of outside interests apart from the relationship. When you start to feel insecure it helps to have something else to obsess over.
Present your best self to your partner and the world. Don’t always go out dressed in sweats and don’t sleep in ratty T-shirts every single night. The old adage is true: When you look good, you probably feel good.
Replace negative self-talk with affirmations. Every time you find yourself thinking, “I don’t deserve this guy,” change it to “I deserve a wonderful relationship and more.”
Don’t let yourself become dependent. Know how to unclog the sink and change a tire. Skills are confidence boosters.
Let go of emotional baggage. If your grandma told you your sister was the pretty one or your dance teacher said you weren’t graceful enough to be in the front row, it doesn’t mean your boyfriend thinks you’re homely or a klutz now.
Be yourself. Trying to maintain a façade is exhausting and confidence-eroding.
Similarly, let him be himself. If he feels like you’re always picking at him, he’ll strike back and it won’t feel good.
Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s relationships. The grass isn’t always greener and you never know what’s going on behind closed doors.
Memorize his credit card numbers. You’ll always have the capacity for really serious revenge.
If all else fails, there’s always handcuffs.