[Amber]

I'm not sure if I fall into being introverted or extroverted. I think I may be a combination of both. But I'm nothing like this guy!

I'm on a paid dating website and this guy approached me. What he tells me in one of the very few emails is that he has social anxiety. Not the usual thing a guy tells me in these first emails. Not sure I wanted to know it so soon. I think it is his way of telling me everything and seeing if I run type of deal.

So he starts out by saying he has social anxiety and doesn't like social gatherings with big crowds. After he dropped it on me that he has social anxiety, I asked him would he be able to take a big family cookout. I'm trying to figure out what he is like. This is what he said.

At a cookout I'm fine as long as I can do something like eat, play catch or badminton, make smores, play with a dog or something. Family cookouts for me are people asking me the same questions every year and listening to the same stories about when so and so was alive or about the pony my mother had as a child. I'll end up watching the bird or dragonflies and checking out the garden and flowers if they are any.

I was trying to figure out if eating is a way to calm him or more something to focus on instead of the people. I trying to figure out if he would be able to take a night with friends. I asked him how would react if he went to a friend's house with about ten people for a game night. Before the games, everyone is just socializing in a small room. ( I mentioned that I use to stutter when i was very young. That is how the stutter comment came to play.)

So my social anxiety is basically being with strangers and not knowing what to say. I don't think I ever stuttered but I'm generally quiet and when I speak a lot of times have to repeat myself because I didn't speak loud enough. If I was with a group of people learning a game I'd probably be quiet and paying attention trying to learn the game. If there was a conversation about something I was familiar with I'd probably join in tentatively. I guess it depends on the people. I find that I don't have much in common with most people and feel like I'm on a different wavelength. I mentioned food as just something to occupy my mind or a conversation topic. "Hey this cheese dip is fantastic!" I'm perfectly fine sitting by myself watching the clouds or listening to the birds. (he goes on by listening the topics he could discuss.)

He makes this comment.

I don't know if I'm shy or just find people boring.

I guess he is being honest in how he is but to me it doesn't paint that great of a picture. Would this make you want to run? I'm getting close to it. But I wondering if I'm horrible to do so. I guess in the end it doesn't matter what others think, it is what I want. But I was curious how someone else may react to a guy like this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He suffers anxiety.

Prefers to just be alone, listening to nature.

How do you feel about that?

If that is not what you are after, then realise that he is a nomad of sorts

[Amber]

CW, I find myself itching to want to change him. But I'm also not one of those women who think that they have a right to change a guy. Well, at least not that drastically. lol And I don't want that kind of hard work. If he wants to change, he needs to do that himself. But it is quite possible that he doesn't want to change and that is just the way he is.

I just sent an email saying sorry but I'm not interested. I guess I needed a night to think it over and by morning I was screaming NOOOOO! Just not for me :-)

[Claret]

Many people are just not comfortable around other people, especially not in crowds. Extreme shyness can be one reason, being an introvert can be another. Yet still more people are just more comfortable with one or two persons at a time. I can see this where my husband works. He works with extremely brilliant scientists, PHd's in aerospace or materials and they are very much into only their own work. They will speak to other people in the work labs only when absolutely necessary. Otherwise, they are content to sit in their offices working on theoretical problems and they can come up with Nobel Prize winning answers. Could they have a conversation about a new movie out or about a new hot band? Not on your life. And yet, they are married, have children and are great fathers.
Maybe it will depend upon what type of life you want. If it's not the quiet cerebral life then this guy maybe is not for you.

[Amber]

Quiet cerebal life is definitely not my kind of life!

Someone who prefers to be alone. I guess if a guy wants some alone time, that is ok. But a guy who prefers to be alone instead of being with a bunch of people, it's just not my kind of guy. He would rather be watching nature instead of talking to people. Nights out with friends or family, I would always be wondering if he was having a good time or not. And in most cases he probably wouldn't be. And to have everyone talking around the dinner table and his ignoring them because he can't handle to be around too many people. Just not the kind of guy that I'm attracted to.

[Element]

Try to understand him. When did the social disorder come about? Has he progressed any? What makes it easier for him to be around people? Has he given up on trying to over come it, or is he currently trying to overcome it? Is he comfortable around his own friends? Is he ok with small social gatherings in his own home?

He's being up front and honest, I personally think that says a lot. Such as; he knows he has this problem, he recognizes it IS a problem, but he still has interest in being with someone. He needs someone who is understanding of him and why he's limited in some ways.

[Amber]

Element, he said he has always been like this. He said he guesses when his mother told him not to talk to strangers, maybe it got imbedded into him more than it should. He is in his early 40's. I have never heard someone give that reason for some one his age.

From the way he was talking, it seemed he wasn't trying to overcome it but I could be wrong. He said he avoids large groups. And the example he gave of a family cookout, he seems not to want to pay attention to everyone there but everything there. I enjoy time spent with distance relatives. I'm not one who would rather be looking at the birds.

I understand he has a problem but I don't see me being the right person for him. I enjoy being around crowds sometimes. My family of ten would be too big for him. Him paying attention to the birds outside instead what one of my relatives is saying. I don't want a guy like that. Both of parents have had serious health problems in the past few years, a few very scary ones. And i have come to realize how valuable life can be. And I would like to be with a person who values the time he spends with people. Not someone who would rather be anywhere but with a group of people. I guess maybe I want an extrovert, if that is what it takes for some to pay attention to others.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I guess there is someone for everyone and you are right, we don't have the right to change someone, rather mould them to fit like a glove to suit "both" nurture, help but not change.

I guess he is out there in hope that he finds another person like him, you are not

I am not sure if the dating game works, I started a thread in 2008 about it, would take me forever after 20,000 plus posts to find it, but it was quite informative as far as internet dating goes.

And, off course, I found my fiancé after I chose to stop looking.

It is great to get dressed up, socialise, remember how to communicate with the opposite sex, but don't go in with it , thinking you'll find him, rather, there are other objectives and wherever this guy is for you, he's out there.

[Obelisk]

I am not sure if the dating game works, I started a thread in 2008 about it, would take me forever after 20,000 plus posts to find it, but it was quite informative as far as internet dating goes.

I'm curious to find your thread. I believe internet dating is a waste of time. It only works when you have extremely photogenic pics of yourself.

[lissy73]

I'm curious to find your thread. I believe internet dating is a waste of time. It only works when you have extremely photogenic pics of yourself.

I met my partner through internet dating, so I guess you could say it does work sometimes. But you are right about the pics, I must have been the minority cause most of the guys I met they all said I looked much better in person. So having pics that look nothing like the real you is just a waste of everyones time IMO.