[LizziB]

When my partner and I first got together, i'm not sure, but I think we sort of made up a picture of what we thought the other was like, and after being together for over a year now, we've discovered we're not all that we imagined. I think a lack of communication has led to this, but there are times when I feel I don't know him at all.

in about a weeks time we're going on a road trip holiday together.seeing as we'll be in a car together for literally hours, I want to use the time to communicate how we feel about the relationship, how we can make it better, etc. I feel like I don't know his thoughts on it at all.

I guess what I want to know is how can you get to know someone you're already so familiar with? How can I open up communication, and how can I get him to talk to me about how he feels? particular questions I could ask would be great.

I've also been struggling a lot the last few weeks and have toyed with the idea of leaving him. It's not something I intend on doing at all, more something that just crosses my mind in my down moments. I'd like him to know about it, but at the same time I don't want stress him out. I'm also worried he might take it the wrong way, like i'm blaming him or threatening to leave. how should I tell him, or is it something better left to myself?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Seems that you two may actually find this road trip worth while.

He was a surfy still is? Talk about your loves talk about his loves, take this time to actually communicate and talk more and see where it takes you...

It could be very, good for you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Seems that you two may actually find this road trip worth while.

He was a surfy still is? Talk about your loves talk about his loves, take this time to actually communicate and talk more and see where it takes you...

It could be very, good for you.

[jns]

Lizzi, some guys are very sparse with words. Further, many guys won't open up about feelings, even more so if they don't feel a tight bond in a relationship.

Your description of a partner and of thinking of leaving along with the lack of communications in your relationship makes me wonder how much love there is in that relationship. What is your relationship based on? How loving is it? Has it changed a lot over time?

[LizziB]

Thanks Cw, yes, definitely still surfy, and since the road trip the surf boards are coming with us, so there will be no shortage of surf conversations!

Jns, the relationship has changed, when we first started dating, he worked away for 2 weeks at a time and would be home for 1. it was like that for the first 9 months of the relationship, and when he quit that job was probably around the time we settled down a lot more into an 'old married couple' kind of relationship. There's still plenty of affection, kisses and cuddles, and we have a lot of playful conversations, what I feel is missing is communication on a deeper and more serious level, and also i'm missing passion and romance.

He also does open up to me of he's upset, and he's cried on front of me several times. My thoughts of leaving stem more from my own issues, and if i'm feeling off, I can have very negative thought patterns, so I don't think it's indicative of where our relationship is at, definitely not entirely anyway.

some of the things that frustrate me most are the things that make him who he is (hardly ever takes things seriously, always turns everything into a joke, is completely unreliable, especially time wise, lives by the surf forecast and so on)

They're also things that attracted me to him in the first place, I loved how he lived the way he wanted, was a bit wild and unpredictable! I just want him to be able to listen to me (he'll often zone out when i'm talking to him), take me seriously, and not shut me down. Sometimes when I tell him something, he'll try to just brush it off our explain to me why I shouldn't feel how I do. It makes me less inclined to share how I feel, and I already have a tendency to clam up when i'm upset.

to be honest, so long as i'm in my 'happy mode' I think he's perfectly happy with how things are, which is why I think maybe he hadn't really listened when i've shared how I feel?

I just don't know how to get the communication working!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Do you think it's communication or do you think that the care free life is what attracted you and the fun with all of that but at the end of the day you are growing, getting older and want proper commitment a sense of knowing where your lives together are going, goals, finances, life... That you want a more grounded person who will provide for you?

The thing is you can do that together too... Plan, have goals, get a savings account..

Maybe this is the direction you should be "communicating on"

[BabyGirl]

On the road trip you can play " 20 Questions " to pass the time and get to know him deeper and he you .
One will start and ask a question, that person must answer, honestly. Then they ask the next question.

The rules are
No interrupting the person while answering, you may ask questions after they are finished.
Start out with light and General questions.
Try to keep yourself out of the question. at first.
Avoid argumentative or negative questions.

You could ask something like .
"if you were offered a Job that paid 3 times as much as you get now, but it was high in the mountains with no Surfing available, Would you take the job and if so ,what hobby or pleasure would you pick up, to replace the Surfing "?

His answer will help you understand how deep his love of Surfing is. Can he adapt to... say " Skiing " or snowboarding ? This will show if he is Flexible and can enjoy other things besides surfing . If he says he would never take a job away from the Ocean, no matter what the pay. You will know he is steadfast and not willing to change or accept changes .

Hopefully he will ask you something that you can answer that will let you express your true feelings.

You have a week to think up some questions that may get you some answers on getting to know him better.
You can gradually get into more "Personal Matters " Like feelings, as the questions go by.

Another Question, later down the road could be.

" I admire your being able to laugh things off and find humor in things. How did you get to that point to be able to do so. How can I learn to not take things so Seriously all of the time ?"

Make the 20 Questions a Fun and Learning game.But be prepared that he may not want to play. People who laugh things off and make jokes tend to have something serious in their past.. That helps them avoid actually thinking or working out a past problem. Cover it with laughter and there is no Pain .

But you do need to express your feelings instead of just clamming up. Because covering that pain or feeling and not expressing it can be as detrimental as making light of it ..

When you think of leaving, it means you are not happy with things as they are. You feel repressed and ignored when you try to express deeper emotions. He may not be the " One " for you. Communication is a Key to a Great Relationship.Not a Perfect Relationship, as there is no such thing. But a Relationship that you know you can work through the Ups and Downs with.

A Question for you ....
Where do you see yourself 5 years from now ?
With him,Without him?
Same Rut or in a better Relationship.
Children, No Children ?