[Adviser]

We will be here for you, whatever happens.

[Cheerios]

I had to move across the country for a job. I am only here for a few months but my boyfriend is not taking it well. The other day we fought all day long and he kept asking me things like how many guys I have had sex with already since being here (only in not such a nice way). So, finally I broke up with him. His tune immediately changed when I did though and he said he loved me, he was sorry he was being so crazy, he ordered new pills to help his moods, he just misses me, etc. Then he said he would quit his (very nice) job and drive to where I am (three day drive) if we broke up. I am sorry to say that I caved. I knew he would actually quit his job if I held firm and he can't afford to do that. Ugh, I don't know what to do. I do feel like it is a good thing that I can be away from him for a bit though. I appreciate everyone's advice. I feel frustrated with myself for being such a wimp and I don't want people to think that I am not taking what is being said seriously. At the same time, however, I feel trapped (plus, I do still love him).

[DreamP346]

I had to move across the country for a job. I am only here for a few months but my boyfriend is not taking it well. The other day we fought all day long and he kept asking me things like how many guys I have had sex with already since being here (only in not such a nice way). So, finally I broke up with him. His tune immediately changed when I did though and he said he loved me, he was sorry he was being so crazy, he ordered new pills to help his moods, he just misses me, etc. Then he said he would quit his (very nice) job and drive to where I am (three day drive) if we broke up. I am sorry to say that I caved. I knew he would actually quit his job if I held firm and he can't afford to do that. Ugh, I don't know what to do. I do feel like it is a good thing that I can be away from him for a bit though. I appreciate everyone's advice. I feel frustrated with myself for being such a wimp and I don't want people to think that I am not taking what is being said seriously. At the same time, however, I feel trapped (plus, I do still love him).

Cheerioes, your boyfriend sounds like the typical abuser. Horrible one minute and nice the next. That is how abusers often get their partners to stay with them. They always apologize and say they won't do it again. And them threatening to quit is job is just a ploy. He knows you well and is using everything he knows about you. He either said that just to force to you get back together and had no intention of actually quitting. Or he really would have and do you want to be with somebody so unstable who will ruin his financial future over his jealousy.

You need to set him straight. Tell him that its over. You need space. If he comes to where you are, you will not see him. Tell him you will get a restraining order if he doesn't listen. If he still tries to bother you, threaten you or see you in person, then you really need to start worrying about your safety. Make sure you have support from friends and family.

But whatever you do, don't stay with this man out of guilt or fear.

[rcoreyus]

Please get out of this, everything you post about him makes me more concerned. Imagine what will happen when you see him again - what he will say you "owe" him in return for what he claims is your misbehavior.

As sp346 said, this is absolutely classic abuser behavior. There is absolutely no reason to stay with this man. This is not love. Love does not make you feel trapped. Love makes you fell happy when you are with someone, and makes you look forward to their company when they are away.

Run a little scenario in your mind, close your eyes and imagine: The doorbell rings, you open the door and he is standing there. What do you feel? Is it happy / joy that he has stopped by to surprise you? Is it fear that he is checking up on you?

[Amanda brown]

Wow! I like it

[Cheerios]

We finally broke up on Friday. He is, for some reason, handling it well this time. He, however, is only accepting it as a break and refuses to accept that it is for good. But he is giving me space and acknowledging the split so that is good for the time being. He agrees that we need it because it "disgusts" him the way he has been acting but also "disgusts" him the way I am handling this (because I am breaking up with him and do not seem apologetic enough about my rebound). I honestly would probably not have done it without the feedback from this board. After hearing what everyone said on here I told my roommates a very small amount of what was going on and they were helpful and supportive. Being inside the relationship, it is difficult to know what is right and wrong. It seems I have this constant haze of guilt when I'm with him (that I lied to him, that I don't love him enough, that I say the wrong things to him, etc.) that makes it hard to gain a clear perspective. I am sad now but feel like this is for the best. I know it's not over for him so I am going to have to remain firm and not cave back in. I really do appreciate the support from everyone. Thank you.

[Cheerios]

Run a little scenario in your mind, close your eyes and imagine: The doorbell rings, you open the door and he is standing there. What do you feel? Is it happy / joy that he has stopped by to surprise you? Is it fear that he is checking up on you?

And yes, definitely fear is what I would feel if he did a surprise visit. It is giving me anxiety just thinking about the possibility, which doesn't even make sense because I am not doing anything while here that would upset him (other than writing these posts).

[jns]

Please tell me that he doesn't know where you are. Not the state nor the city nor the street address. If he follows through on his threat to drive cross country, he could show up unexpectedly. He sounds like a user and an abuser. He should be on your list of past acquaintances. Be careful of giving out location information to others as they may inadvertently release it. Think of changing phone numbers and internet connections. On an email, the header information can be useful for tracing.

BTW, congratulations on moving as part of putting an end to this.

[rcoreyus]

Congratulations on breaking up with him - its difficult to do. Please don't change your mind, no matter what he says. Relax, enjoy life, then eventually (no rush) find someone who will treat you well. Find someone who makes you happy, someone that will make you smile if they were to show up by surprise.

If he stays on the abuser script expect him to tell you how devastated he is. He'll apologize, blame his behavior on stress, or something. Maybe threaten to hurt himself. Don't go back.

Please don't make me read a post here that you've decided to try getting back together with him.

[DreamP346]

Congratulations on making the break. That is always the hardest part. Mourning the relationship is normal. After all, there were some good time. Just stay firm in your decision. Remember, a relationship should make you happy, not filled with anxiety and fear.