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Dating a guy with kids

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  • Dating a guy with kids

    Hi i need some advice as to weather im being over exaggerated or my bfs two girls are spoiled. We been dating for 4 months now I love him very much and can see a future with him, hes even mentioned marriage a couple of times, hes a great guy and a great father. He gets his girls every other week for the whole week one is 10 nd the other one 8. From the beginning i've had no problem with them i love kids, there not bad kids they just dont know about boundaries or respect to others. About a month ago a decided to move in with him nd thats when i started noticing stuff every time the girls came over it was as if practically i didnt exist, he'd take pics with the girls nd forget about me. Then when it comes to eating out he usually asks me if im done before getting up and paying the tab, this time he just got up with girls nd payed it nd i wasnt even done eating so obviously it bothered me. At first it didnt bother till recently i figure if im not gonna be include then why go out with them, might ****** well let the three of them stay home nd enjoy them selves which doesnt bother me at all. Another thing is they touch my stuff with out asking, they open the bathroom door with out knocking, when their dad nd i are talking they leave what ever their doing nd come right over to see what were talking about. I have to be very careful when to laugh or joke around with them or else they'll break into tears. Two day ago i was joking with both of them about them being verry bad for tempting me into breaking my diet nd when i turned around with a smile to look at the oldest one she was in tears, i tried calming her down nd apologizing but she kicked nd slapped me, that also upset me nd my bf noticed i told him what had happened nd all he said was "theyll get over it". The next day i mentioned to him that it wasnt ok to just let it go like she didnt do anything nd he blew up on me. Also he allows them to hit him nd slap him on the head face ware ever nd to me thats disrespectful. IDK im at the point ware im thinking of moving out. Someone please advise

  • Your boyfriend is not very respectful with you and doesn't command respect from his children, he lets them do what they want, possibly because he misses them or because that's his nature.

    What concerns me is that you've only been together for 16 weeks, he had you move in with him and he dis-respects you, your space and even leaves you sitting at a table when you haven't finished your meals.

    I don't want to be mean but some guys just look for a partner they are happy being with as they still have "a lot" of baggage from their ex and when they have children, take that person in, without thinking of them, their thoughts, wants, needs at all. It's about having a woman in the house for the kids and for him

    Are you sure that you are not that person.
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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    • The thing is hes not like this when his girls arent over were completely fine no arguments at all

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      • And if you two get married and have kids; it will be a daily life. If a man has no respect, he can't teach respect, he can't enforce respect. My personal opinion is you need to decide how you want to be treated, and if you are perfectly fine living this way until the day you die. You teach people how to treat you, if you speak up and he refuses to listen or abide by your personal standards of respect; can you live like that forever?

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        • Originally posted by Lilly1786 View Post
          The thing is hes not like this when his girls arent over were completely fine no arguments at all
          Element's advice is really something to ponder.

          The children are part of his life, blood. They will always be apart of his life, blood. They will always come first and be able to do what they want to do.. You will always walk on egg shells around them and come second. He is not prepared to listen to someone he has only known for a few weeks, verses years and you will argue until the cows come home.

          There may be no arguments because the arguments stem from the children. But, fine is just well, you know, fine. 3 Months? It should be awesome, lustful, playful, intimate, loving, funny, dates and you don't have to spend money, holding hands, looking into each others eyes, getting to fall more and more in love.

          Is that what you honestly are experiencing?
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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          • Here's the perspective of a mother of 2 kids close to that age.

            You have been in this man's life for 4 months. The girls have been in his live for 10 years. You are not going to get the same level of attention, affections, caring when you are around them. I am not saying its right, but the reality is right now you are just a small spec in his universe of emotions. You are the piece of celery on the side of the huge steak. Its just difficult to feel the same way about you when the kids are around. For this very reason, most people with kids don't introduce their boy/girlfriends to their kids until a long time and even after they have been introduced, they slowly transition to spending time together as a family. You guys have moved too fast. You haven't developed a strong enough bond to compete with the bond that exists between a parent and a child. Its not right how he treated you, but its difficult to fight a natural emotional bond.

            The taking your stuff and listening and being all emotional is a typical tween girl behavior. Girls are full of drama. I hate being gender stereotypical, but the society we live in fosters this dramatic behavior. Add that to the fact that they probably think you are taking their dad away from them, demanding more of his emotions, I would say their behaviors are pretty good. If you are going to make a life with this man, you never get used to this. It will only get worse as they become teenagers.

            Your boyfriend not disciplining them. Another typical behavior I have seen in many fathers. Once again, not saying it is right, just that its very common. The other thing is that parents also get desensitized to kids drama and whining. For you it way seem a big deal. To a parent its just the same old stuff that they ignore. We parents often do that just to maintain our sanity.

            Here is my suggestion:
            1) Talk to your boyfriend about being ignored. Explain that you respect he is a father and that you are not demanding he love you more. Therefore maybe it would be better if the 3 of them spent time without you. The girls will probably like it also.
            2) Read some parenting books and get familiar with how to deal with young girls
            3) Talk to your boyfriend about discipline. You need to ask his permission to either discipline the kids or you need to tell him he needs to do it himself. Tell him what your boundaries are, what is acceptable and what is not. Remember, if you put too many restrictions, the girls may not bond with you. You want them to like you, but also respect you. You don't want to be the pushover. You don't want to be their friend. You want to be a respected adult like a teacher they really like.

            Good luck
            Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

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            • CHANDLERS WISH explains it in detail and shes 100% right and her explanation is fairly accurate....

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              • You are an intruder into the children's lives. You are taking their father's attention away from them. Don't expect them to be happy about that.

                What where you thinking moving in with a man after only 4 months? You don't even know him.

                Move out and see where the relationship goes. If you want to continue the relationship, read some books on blended families and how to properly introduce yourself to his children.

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                • what they did to you is unacceptable! Before moving out, give him a chance, talk to him about all these. Most of the times guys are insensitive. They don't know that there is a problem already, even if it is already obvious, until you let them know. You have to tell him what you feel about what they are doing. you did not mention that you did tell your boyfriend about how you feel whenever thay took pictures, like you are not there. Mentioned everything to him. The answer to your question will depends on how he will react on the things that you will tell him.

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                  • I've been seeing a guy with kids too and he handles it a little differently from your bf. First off, he's aware of the fact that it can be a difficult situation, and him being conscious of it makes it easier. So I guess the first thing to do is tell your bf everything you've mentioned in this thread. Four months in is not long, but long enough to know each other a little bit. And if he's asked you to move in, then he must love you and will probably want to work this out with you.

                    A lot of people mention you just having to accept that the kids will always come first, but that shouldn't be a fact that you focus on. Your bf loves his kids, but he loves you too. It's a different kind of love. If there comes a time when the kids need him and so do you, if he's a good man, he'll find a way to accommodate both you and the kids. If you focus on all the negative people saying that his kids will come first and there's no way around that, it will just build up an unnecessary insecurity in you, so ignore those comments. A good man will always be there for his kids, AND for his significant other.

                    So make sure he is a good man first. If he is, then everything will be ok. If he isn't, then it really will be a hard journey, and you're probably better off without him. That's the tough part, trying to decide if he is a good man or not.

                    The reason he spoils them is probably because he doesn't know any better. It's not that he wants them to be like that, he's just unaware of how to raise them. You can help by kindly tell him things...you can go onto parenting sites and show him the pros and cons of spoiling children. How spoiling them will only lead to their detriment. That discipline, in the long run, will be better for the kids. With my bf, I usually know these things already, but I try to get articles online to show him so that what I say is reinforced with facts. He ends up really appreciating it and applying it to his children.

                    An example is his son, who comes to the house every other weekend. He would stay up till god knows what time. I found an article online that said having kids asleep by a certain time was good for their brain development and another article talking about how the discipline the kid has for going to bed at a certain time helps in the long run. He was thankful that i gave him these articles and his kid started sleeping at a certain time.

                    You've also just been with them for 4 months. It might help to try to see what you love about them. Kids are really sensitive. If you don't like them, they will feel it.

                    Good luck in your journey.

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                    • If you really love the guy,love also his kids like your own,you cannot replace their mom,but be an older sister to them...maybe they are like that because of the absence of their mom...they really need someone to take care of them and let them feel that your there for them...have patience....

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