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reentering the dating game

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  • reentering the dating game

    Hello everyone, I am a 46 year old widow and ready to enter the dating game again. I joined eharmony three months ago and so far nothing. Any advice?

  • Hi Needyto

    Welcome to WH.

    It's very difficult entering the dating game when we've been out of it for so long.

    I was 44 and I found that the on-line dating was something very well worth while doing, for one reason only. To get dressed up, to remember you are a woman, to enter the "verbal arena again" and to get to know how guys are thinking and what's out there.

    I did not expect nor did I find, a boyfriend. I found my now fiance by accident, over a dinner at a Restaurant.

    But, by the time that I did, I got a real jist of what was out there and therefore, was able to decide for myself, what I wanted this time in life, what I would and wouldn't accept .

    With that comes a real peace within, and a glow I think, because you know who you are and you are ready... It shows as well, and confidence and assertiveness comes with it..

    Use the on-line as a tool.. I can remember the beginning, lordy did I pick some well, non-desirables They didn't get past the first date.

    What have your experiences been like?

    Do you also go out, have you made new girlfriends, have you taken up hobbies?


    • Thank you Chandlers Wish for getting back to me. Early on in my grieving I did get some interest from males but I wasn't close to being ready. I have joined a gym and a few support groups. Still working on putting myself first but I will get there. As far as hobbies I looking into a few classes in the fall.

      I have gone out with friends a few times but it has been difficult to arrange outings during the summer due to peoples vacation. One of my friends recently divorced but is still too angry to go out and meet men. Really haven't met any new friends except one and not really sure what to think about her yet. She is 100 X more screw up than I was.

      Can't say I really know what I am looking for in a boyfriend, but I can tell you of things that I will not put up with.

      Maybe I should be a little more patient with the online thing.


      • That's good if you have a strong thought pattern to what you will not put up with

        Use, your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it's not. The last thing you honestly need at the moment is a negative person with alot of baggage - surround yourself with positive people, positive people are happy people and you deserve to be happy.

        Some of the on-line dating websites are full with guys with baggage, or guys that are on the hunt for a lonely woman only to destroy her, without care.

        There are paid dating sites, that interview the men who also have to pay often they let the woman get away with joining for free, as you can imagine, there are a lot more men single than women. Perhaps google and see what you find...

        Gym is also a great place for meeting people...

        Funny, most meet in a grocery store or the likes, accidentally


        • Thank you for your advice. I will admit I am now a little more terrified of the online date thing, but I think I am at a point in my life that I can and will not be putting up with crap. Since posting this I have had someone from eharmony contact me, we will see what comes of it.


          • Remember you are in control, laugh, see everything for what it is, talk to them about your passions (excluding sex to start with ) You will soon find out, they will talk and talk about themselves not you and you'll realise or they will go to the sexual, sensual, to try to impress or they will continually try to say sorry for your loss...

            Enjoy You are finding yourself and it's a good place to do that, as long as you don't do the lonely, need unless you are happy for the once off outcome ok..

            Keep in touch with us and tell us how it all goes...

            I was on RSVP for IDK 1 year I can be a sounding board of sorts


            • One guy that contacted me once and hasn't replied to my questions.

              One of my girlfriends bought me the book The Rules of Online Dating. Have to say most of it was very strange, for example don't respond to any requests from men for at least 24 hours. They did suggested not to have an indept profile description, so I changed mine. Was very surprised to see 5 requests in my inbox this morning. I will wait 24 hours before responding and see what happens.

              One more question for everyone. I am a very honest person, but should I tell these guys right away I am a widow? Pretty sure I can spot the gold diggers.


              • I have been out of the dating market too long and never online dated, but I can tell you things based on what my friends' experiences were. You will be contacted by several people. Some will really chat you up and others you may never hear from again. You may be chatting somebody and think its going well and suddenly he shuts you off. That is because everybody, likely yourself, is talking to several people. They may have found somebody and doesn't want to continue chatting with other people. Don't take it personally. More than likely, they were chatting with the other person for a longer time.

                Just because somebody contacts you, don't assume they fit your profile of what you are looking for. My girlfriend constantly kept getting contacted by men too far and too old even though she specified her age range and location choice.

                Some people can take longer to reply. Not everybody is on the website daily and even if they are, they may just check on things but not have time to reply. Contact other men too, don't just wait for them to contact you.

                People have a tendency to lie on the web. I guess to some extent we all do it when we are dating and trying to put our best foot forward to make us look better. Recent studies showed it to be around 84% of people. But its usually small lies like decreasing weight by 5 lbs or increasing height by 1/2 inch.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                • sp346 you have to go onto Wikipedia and see The Rules posted for dating and there is more rules for online dating that isn't posted there. Some of it I agree with, like not telling your complete life history to a stranger online and maybe after four emails if they guy doesn't want to meet face to face move on.

                  I agree people lie on the web. I am the opposite I am a very honest person I think I have to learn not to tell it all.

                  The online dating thing is nothing like I thought it would be. Part of me wishes I never did it. Eharmoney will not refund my money, so guess I will play the "online" dating game, not that I think anything will become of it.


                  • Don't take it seriously.. Until something, if something comes out of it, that starts to show as serious.

                    These guys are getting to know a lady.. The lady owns her body, her life and can choose how much information to give out or not.

                    The things that are important to see if you are a match, is core values, morals, passions. If you adore cats for instance and will always have one, but they hate them would you date him? If your morals are x and his is y... etc.

                    PM's should be about getting to know a person, not about gleaning emotions, how much money you have, if you own a house

                    If someone asks you, just answer with " That's a funny question, I'm on a dating site, I'm non -attached"... leave it at that.

                    Intimate conversations are held in my opinion for those that cross over into the real dating world as you are getting to know that person...

                    But, also remember. We can disclose what we feel like. We are not obligated to tell our life stories. In fact I suggest you don't.

                    Rules For sure, answering immediately and then after they answer, answering again immediately sounds desperate and if they are only after one thing, cha ching So it is a good thing to make them wait for a reply and to intreague them some what, shorter answers not lengthy. You want them to get to know you enough to ask for a date...

                    Go with the flow.. I stuffed up a couple of times but they stuffed up more than I did ..

                    I remember one guy who was 10 years older than he stated and his photo when we met. Trying to tell me how perfect a lover his was, as to why I should re-consider LOLS.

                    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                    • when i got divorced, i started dating again over online dating.


                      • A few weeks back I went out with an old friend. She got married a few years ago for the first time at the age of 50. She met her husband on POF. I was a little afraid of these free sites but since I haven't gotten a match on eharmony in weeks I thought I would give it a try. I wasn't even finished my profile and I already had 7 messages in my inbox. Wow there are some "winners" out there. But I did find someone that at least appears normal. Problem is, he has been separated from his wife for two years. What are the rules when it comes to dating someone that is separated?


                        • I think you should think less in rules and more in what feels comfortable for you. The don't respond within 24h is more of a concept then it is a rule, after all, who is interested in someone who's always there and ready to answer. Often at the beginning there can be some 'game' elements as probably described in the book but whats the most important thing is that you feel comfortable while doing it.

                          edit; A short profile is usually a set up for a lot of short messages. Work a joke in there and maybe a witty and charming man will be able to work with it.


                          • It's more of whether he has a lot of baggage to contend with that would not allow him to move on, as far as separation is concerned.

                            I've been separated for 5 years (there is a reason) and will go down the path shortly now of Divorce, but I am also Engaged now, met my partner 3 and a half years ago and neither of us had too much baggage at all, when we met, he had only been separated for 9 months.

                            It's a matter of whether this guy is ready or not to start again....
                            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!



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