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can't stop cheating

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  • can't stop cheating

    i'm in a relationship right now with a guy who i think is perfect, except he doesn't have sex with me. he doesn't want to look at me naked, he won't kiss me, and he only even hugged me after we'd been dating for a year.

    i've always had a very high libido and managed to stay loyal for 10 months....then i started going out drinking with my single friends again and meeting guys that did want sex. it's been 4 months since then and i've had a ton of one-nighters and a couple guys i'd have sex with when i needed it but no real relationships. i've been able to rationalize it for a while but now the guilt is just getting to be too much. my boyfriend started talking about how i hadn't been all over him recently like i usually am and said he was happy that i was "respecting his boundaries". i've only been able to keep myself off of him when we're together because i usually have sex with another guy earlier that day or the day before.

    i don't want to cheat on him, but i NEED sex, or at least some kind of physical attention and he hasn't given me any. he's really religious and doesn't want to do anything before marriage and he also told me that he was abused as a kid so he's not comfortable with sexual contact.

    this entire past week i've been constantly bouncing back and forth between being completely overcome by guilt or full of lust and getting some other guy into bed. i've stayed with him this long because he really is perfect in all other ways, he's everything i could ever want in a guy and more, but without the sexual aspect of the relationship i don't know what to do....

  • the "except he doesn't have sex with me" is a really BIG except. Sex is an important part of any romantic relationship, and I don't think a couple can be happy together if they don't have a good sex life. I think you need to talk - let him know that you are missing out on something very important to you. If he doesn't want an active sex life, then you need to find someone else, no matter how "perfect" he is. He will find someone who also prefers a minimum of intimacy. There is a tiny chance that he is OK with an "open" relationship, but probably not.

    Sorry, its a miserable situation to be in.

    Comment


    • He sounds like a great friend, but not the right match to be your life mate.

      Let him go so you can both find the right person.

      Comment


      • Hun, it's time to give up on this and break up with him. I mean, look at this realistically, eventually this relationship is going to end anyway, if/when he finds out about your extracurricular activities with other men.

        He doesn't desire sex. You do, so much so that it is a necessity for you and has caused you to stray. This isn't a healthy relationship, no matter how well you two mesh in other ways.

        Find someone who is more suited to tending to your needs. Don't feel guilty about ending this over sex, either. It is a perfectly reasonable reason for an adult to move on... sex is a very important aspect of a relationship, and if you're not seeing eye-to-eye on this, you never will.

        Let him go.

        Comment


        • There is every reason to believe that he won't be into sex after marriage, from what he has said. Like the others have said, I don't think this is a good fit. Find a person to have a relationship with who is a better fit on what you find more important. You cannot have one of your more important requirements completely shut out. It will lead to resentment later.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Can I ask how old you are?

            I was in simular situations a couple of times. Really hurt my ego I mean, attractive, sexual WT?

            I came to the conclusion in my situations that those particular guys were gay, hiding behind the "relationship" theme. And, at least one I confirmed was the case.

            It's possible and I think that guys need to be honest.

            But, if you are young? Maybe they have a detachment, to women based on their up-bringing.

            What ever the reason nearly is ridiculous to not discuss what is occurring or not in your situation .

            I suspect honestly, in my opinion there is something more to this.

            Unless he's a virgin....
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
              Can I ask how old you are?

              I was in simular situations a couple of times. Really hurt my ego I mean, attractive, sexual WT?

              I came to the conclusion in my situations that those particular guys were gay, hiding behind the "relationship" theme. And, at least one I confirmed was the case.

              It's possible and I think that guys need to be honest.

              But, if you are young? Maybe they have a detachment, to women based on their up-bringing.

              What ever the reason nearly is ridiculous to not discuss what is occurring or not in your situation .

              I suspect honestly, in my opinion there is something more to this.

              Unless he's a virgin....
              im 28, he just turned 21 and he is a virgin. i dont think hes gay. i have gay male friends, they're alot more comfortable with touching me than he is.

              Originally posted by Pollon View Post
              He sounds like a great friend, but not the right match to be your life mate.

              Let him go so you can both find the right person.
              Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
              Hun, it's time to give up on this and break up with him. I mean, look at this realistically, eventually this relationship is going to end anyway, if/when he finds out about your extracurricular activities with other men.

              He doesn't desire sex. You do, so much so that it is a necessity for you and has caused you to stray. This isn't a healthy relationship, no matter how well you two mesh in other ways.

              Find someone who is more suited to tending to your needs. Don't feel guilty about ending this over sex, either. It is a perfectly reasonable reason for an adult to move on... sex is a very important aspect of a relationship, and if you're not seeing eye-to-eye on this, you never will.

              Let him go.
              i've always gone for the "bad boys" and other guys who werent as good to me as my bf is. mentally i'm done being in abusive relationships and putting up with guys that arent grown up yet, physically i still need lots of sex that hes just not providing. he'd be the perfect husband and father figure for any kids i'll have. he's absolutely amazing, i feel like i've found a diamond in the rough, i can't just throw him away. if i do, i'll just wind up with some stupid guy that i'll break up with in a week or two because he doesn't treat me right or has no ambition or something else. wouldnt it be easier to fix this one thing with my current bf than to try to fix a bunch of other things in other guys? sex is really important but i dont want to screw myself out of having such a great boyfriend in every other way.

              Comment


              • Can you tell us what is his background? Is there a religious reason for no contact? Is there a cultural reason for no contact? If this relationship is to go forward I think you two need to start off by having a serious discussion about your expectations in the relationship.
                He needs to know what your thoughts and desires are and you need to know where his thoughts and desires are. Many men are brought up to respect that women will not want sex prior to marriage. Perhaps he sees you as being a potential life-mate and doesn't want to rush into anything. Although in todays world it would seem that 10 months should be long enough to make some type of commitment.
                Prior to saying anything about your extra-curricular activities I'd find out what he really thinks about your relationship. If it turns out that he doesn't want to pursue this further, then cut your losses and move on. He never needs to know about your affairs and you won't need to hurt him by telling him.
                That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                Comment


                • Please don't make the mistake of thinking that only "bad boys" are interested in sex. "Bad boys" may ****ONLY**** be interested in sex, but there are lots of really wonderful men who also want active exciting sex lives. You don't need to choose someone who will be good to you, vs someone who is great in bed - you can have both.

                  The difference is that "nice guys" will generally not try for sex right away, so it will take a bit longer to learn how they fell about that.

                  Comment


                  • Unfortunately, a lower sex drive is not something you can "fix". If he doesn't have the same level of sexual desire than you do, he never will - and that's something you're going to have to live with if you choose to say in the relationship. Because he desires LESS sex, you'll GET less sex than you want. It's been said a few times on this forum, that the partner with the lower sex drive controls the sex in the relationship. It's true.

                    As rcoreyus said, there are good men out there who are both interested in sex AND a good significant other.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by adriana28 View Post
                      he's really religious and doesn't want to do anything before marriage and he also told me that he was abused as a kid so he's not comfortable with sexual contact.
                      To me, this is the single biggest piece of the puzzle. If something ever happened between my wife and I and I were to date, the physical contact between me and even a fiance would be very limited. I would probably not kiss her, let alone be naked with her. My sex drive is through the roof, though.

                      My question is how much of the aversion to sex is religious and how much is related to the abuse? If he's a virgin, then how much sexual contact could he have had to know how the abuse plays in? Have you had a discussion with him about what his expectations are with regard to sex after marriage? These are the kinds of questions I would have. Sex is just too important, especially when you have a high drive.

                      It's entirely possible you could be sexually compatible, but you obviously are not morally. That seems to be your biggest problem. I think you should come clean with him. I find that stuff like this does not stay hidden forever. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Not too long ago there was a lady posting here about a relationship she had with one man while she was dating her husband. He found out and made her life miserable for decades, in the bedroom and outside. There was even a more recent post a few weeks ago where a lady withheld what she did on a break-up and had serious problems when her man found out. It's not worth it to try to keep it in.
                      "Those sowing seed with tears
                      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                      Comment


                      • you had your needs that he cannot give you,find someone else that makes you happy but first of all tell him how important that thing for you so that he will not left hanging..

                        Comment


                        • Normally I would be upset to read someone cheating on someone... in some ways though, I can understand. You have needs and they aren't being met. Perfect guy or not... this is a huge ordeal for you and you're not handling very well sweetie... I think it's time you came clean and accept the consequences, it's not right for him to believe he's with someone who isn't really who she says she is, you know?

                          I hope you do the right thing... if things end, then they do. You both deserve happiness.
                          { Wit beyond measure is a lady's greatest treasure }

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                            To me, this is the single biggest piece of the puzzle. If something ever happened between my wife and I and I were to date, the physical contact between me and even a fiance would be very limited. I would probably not kiss her, let alone be naked with her. My sex drive is through the roof, though.

                            My question is how much of the aversion to sex is religious and how much is related to the abuse? If he's a virgin, then how much sexual contact could he have had to know how the abuse plays in? Have you had a discussion with him about what his expectations are with regard to sex after marriage? These are the kinds of questions I would have. Sex is just too important, especially when you have a high drive.

                            It's entirely possible you could be sexually compatible, but you obviously are not morally. That seems to be your biggest problem. I think you should come clean with him. I find that stuff like this does not stay hidden forever. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Not too long ago there was a lady posting here about a relationship she had with one man while she was dating her husband. He found out and made her life miserable for decades, in the bedroom and outside. There was even a more recent post a few weeks ago where a lady withheld what she did on a break-up and had serious problems when her man found out. It's not worth it to try to keep it in.
                            Absolutely right on all levels!
                            { Wit beyond measure is a lady's greatest treasure }

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by happygolucky90
                              Normally I would be upset to read someone cheating on someone... in some ways though, I can understand. You have needs and they aren't being met. Perfect guy or not... this is a huge ordeal for you and you're not handling very well sweetie... I think it's time you came clean and accept the consequences, it's not right for him to believe he's with someone who isn't really who she says she is, you know?
                              I don't know that I'd even consider it cheating, honestly. I mean, is a sexless relationship even a relationship? I suppose if you got together and had a long talk and basically said "look, we're not going to have sex until x, y, and z happens" (why anyone would do that I don't know), then sleeping with other people after that would be a betrayal. But just assuming some form of loyalty simply because you are dating or talk a lot to someone (while having no sex)? I don't think that's much of a violation, especially if she made it clear she wants it.

                              Put it this way - if I started dating a guy and we never got it on beyond a point where I thought we should, and I made my desires clear, and he still wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't feel guilty getting it elsewhere.
                              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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