[adriana28]

i'm in a relationship right now with a guy who i think is perfect, except he doesn't have sex with me. he doesn't want to look at me naked, he won't kiss me, and he only even hugged me after we'd been dating for a year.

i've always had a very high libido and managed to stay loyal for 10 months....then i started going out drinking with my single friends again and meeting guys that did want sex. it's been 4 months since then and i've had a ton of one-nighters and a couple guys i'd have sex with when i needed it but no real relationships. i've been able to rationalize it for a while but now the guilt is just getting to be too much. my boyfriend started talking about how i hadn't been all over him recently like i usually am and said he was happy that i was "respecting his boundaries". i've only been able to keep myself off of him when we're together because i usually have sex with another guy earlier that day or the day before.

i don't want to cheat on him, but i NEED sex, or at least some kind of physical attention and he hasn't given me any. he's really religious and doesn't want to do anything before marriage and he also told me that he was abused as a kid so he's not comfortable with sexual contact.

this entire past week i've been constantly bouncing back and forth between being completely overcome by guilt or full of lust and getting some other guy into bed. i've stayed with him this long because he really is perfect in all other ways, he's everything i could ever want in a guy and more, but without the sexual aspect of the relationship i don't know what to do....

[rcoreyus]

the "except he doesn't have sex with me" is a really BIG except. Sex is an important part of any romantic relationship, and I don't think a couple can be happy together if they don't have a good sex life. I think you need to talk - let him know that you are missing out on something very important to you. If he doesn't want an active sex life, then you need to find someone else, no matter how "perfect" he is. He will find someone who also prefers a minimum of intimacy. There is a tiny chance that he is OK with an "open" relationship, but probably not.

Sorry, its a miserable situation to be in.

[Pollon]

He sounds like a great friend, but not the right match to be your life mate.

Let him go so you can both find the right person.

[KMonte85]

Hun, it's time to give up on this and break up with him. I mean, look at this realistically, eventually this relationship is going to end anyway, if/when he finds out about your extracurricular activities with other men.

He doesn't desire sex. You do, so much so that it is a necessity for you and has caused you to stray. This isn't a healthy relationship, no matter how well you two mesh in other ways.

Find someone who is more suited to tending to your needs. Don't feel guilty about ending this over sex, either. It is a perfectly reasonable reason for an adult to move on... sex is a very important aspect of a relationship, and if you're not seeing eye-to-eye on this, you never will.

Let him go.

[jns]

There is every reason to believe that he won't be into sex after marriage, from what he has said. Like the others have said, I don't think this is a good fit. Find a person to have a relationship with who is a better fit on what you find more important. You cannot have one of your more important requirements completely shut out. It will lead to resentment later.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Can I ask how old you are?

I was in simular situations a couple of times. Really hurt my ego I mean, attractive, sexual WT?

I came to the conclusion in my situations that those particular guys were gay, hiding behind the "relationship" theme. And, at least one I confirmed was the case.

It's possible and I think that guys need to be honest.

But, if you are young? Maybe they have a detachment, to women based on their up-bringing.

What ever the reason nearly is ridiculous to not discuss what is occurring or not in your situation .

I suspect honestly, in my opinion there is something more to this.

Unless he's a virgin....

[adriana28]

Can I ask how old you are?

I was in simular situations a couple of times. Really hurt my ego I mean, attractive, sexual WT?

I came to the conclusion in my situations that those particular guys were gay, hiding behind the "relationship" theme. And, at least one I confirmed was the case.

It's possible and I think that guys need to be honest.

But, if you are young? Maybe they have a detachment, to women based on their up-bringing.

What ever the reason nearly is ridiculous to not discuss what is occurring or not in your situation .

I suspect honestly, in my opinion there is something more to this.

Unless he's a virgin....

im 28, he just turned 21 and he is a virgin. i dont think hes gay. i have gay male friends, they're alot more comfortable with touching me than he is.

He sounds like a great friend, but not the right match to be your life mate.

Let him go so you can both find the right person.

Hun, it's time to give up on this and break up with him. I mean, look at this realistically, eventually this relationship is going to end anyway, if/when he finds out about your extracurricular activities with other men.

He doesn't desire sex. You do, so much so that it is a necessity for you and has caused you to stray. This isn't a healthy relationship, no matter how well you two mesh in other ways.

Find someone who is more suited to tending to your needs. Don't feel guilty about ending this over sex, either. It is a perfectly reasonable reason for an adult to move on... sex is a very important aspect of a relationship, and if you're not seeing eye-to-eye on this, you never will.

Let him go.

i've always gone for the "bad boys" and other guys who werent as good to me as my bf is. mentally i'm done being in abusive relationships and putting up with guys that arent grown up yet, physically i still need lots of sex that hes just not providing. he'd be the perfect husband and father figure for any kids i'll have. he's absolutely amazing, i feel like i've found a diamond in the rough, i can't just throw him away. if i do, i'll just wind up with some stupid guy that i'll break up with in a week or two because he doesn't treat me right or has no ambition or something else. wouldnt it be easier to fix this one thing with my current bf than to try to fix a bunch of other things in other guys? sex is really important but i dont want to screw myself out of having such a great boyfriend in every other way.

[Claret]

Can you tell us what is his background? Is there a religious reason for no contact? Is there a cultural reason for no contact? If this relationship is to go forward I think you two need to start off by having a serious discussion about your expectations in the relationship.
He needs to know what your thoughts and desires are and you need to know where his thoughts and desires are. Many men are brought up to respect that women will not want sex prior to marriage. Perhaps he sees you as being a potential life-mate and doesn't want to rush into anything. Although in todays world it would seem that 10 months should be long enough to make some type of commitment.
Prior to saying anything about your extra-curricular activities I'd find out what he really thinks about your relationship. If it turns out that he doesn't want to pursue this further, then cut your losses and move on. He never needs to know about your affairs and you won't need to hurt him by telling him.

[rcoreyus]

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that only "bad boys" are interested in sex. "Bad boys" may **ONLY** be interested in sex, but there are lots of really wonderful men who also want active exciting sex lives. You don't need to choose someone who will be good to you, vs someone who is great in bed - you can have both.

The difference is that "nice guys" will generally not try for sex right away, so it will take a bit longer to learn how they fell about that.

[KMonte85]

Unfortunately, a lower sex drive is not something you can "fix". If he doesn't have the same level of sexual desire than you do, he never will - and that's something you're going to have to live with if you choose to say in the relationship. Because he desires LESS sex, you'll GET less sex than you want. It's been said a few times on this forum, that the partner with the lower sex drive controls the sex in the relationship. It's true.

As rcoreyus said, there are good men out there who are both interested in sex AND a good significant other.