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  • Body Building boyfriend

    Hi everyone, this is my first post and a quite heavy one at that but hey, that's why I'm here.

    I've been seeing my boyfriend on and off for a year now and we became more serious and steady back in March. For some background purposes I'm 25 and he's 24. He was beginning to get into body building when we met and has made some impressive progress in the time that I've known him. I've been very supportive of the process, assisting with meal planning, listening to his concerns, his good days and bad days but I've always been proud of his dedication and as a somewhat chunky girl- a little intimidated by it. I began to have some concerns, however. One of his friends is very involved in body building as well and I learned he had done a cycle of steroids at one time. I also know you meet other body builders at the gym and its a community in and of its own, with stigmas and such attached to it. Before my boyfriend gave me any reason to be concerned (Im quite the negative thinker and always expecting the worst, stressing myself out far before I need to) I expressed my disapproval of "unhealthy" and "unnatural" means of enhancing his performance and building muscle. I could deal with the protein shakes, the creatine, the caveman meals, the hours at the gym, even diet pills when the "bulking" was over and it was "cutting" time but I just could not stand for steroids.

    A few days ago he began talking about the new lifting and eating program to bulk before cutting again but unlike other programs he'd tried he didn't have a website or meal plan or video or anything to show me. To me, it was a red flag that he was just trying to pass off a new way of eating and lifting as a reason for the change I'd see when he started a cycle of steroids. I asked him if there was something involved in his new plan that he didn't want to tell me about and for a few minutes he said no. He's got a tell tale lying face so I persisted and he admitted he did plan on doing a cycle. My initial reaction was a complete shut down until we could get home then I was just going to go back to my parents house (I live between their house and his, spending most of my time at his house) and he became very concerned that I wasn't talking, had my shoes on and my purse on my shoulder. We sat down to talk, a talk that evolved into a discussion about our relationship as well as the steroids. He further admitted he had already purchased them and they were in the house. We were at a stand still and ended it by just going to bed. In the past day or so the standstill has remained. He says he only plans to do one cycle to get where he wants to be but that he also doesn't want to upset me and he knows how I feel about them. I said I really just don't know what to do. He was going to hide them from me to begin with, then tried to lie when I figured out what was going on, then seemed devastated at the thought of me leaving. I want to threaten that if he does them I will leave but deep down I know I don't have the follow through required to offer an ultimatum. At this point he's unsure if he will do them or sell them and I'm not sure how I feel about any of it... The fact they became an issue at all, that he was going to hide it, what I'll do if he does them, if he sells them...so I guess I'm just looking for opinions, experiences and some discussion. I know what the general consensus will be but...I've typed it all up at this point so here we go.

  • Having them in his home is dangerous for you. If the cops come and you're there; you get arrested too. Plus you have knowledge of the drugs; you just posted that on the world wide web. So, you'll get in legal trouble as well. You have blatantly stated that you don't want them in his home that you live in half the time, you don't want him doing them and you don't want to be lied to. If he can't respect that, then that says a lot about how he views your relationship. And even if you never go to his home again; only see him at your parents or out in public; anyone on steroids is dangerous. He will not be himself, he will not act as his personality normally has him act. So regardless; he has put you in harms way; and has has no want to protect you. That is not a decent quality in a man.

    You have already had the sit down talk with him. We're dealing with the aftermath here. So, how do you want to be treated in a relationship? Are you willing to go months, years, forever like this? He's repeating bad behavior and wants you to just put up with it. This is not a "one time" thing. This is the second time, that you know of. This is a continued behavior. Are you willing to be continuously treated like this?

    Comment


    • As I see it, bodybuilding is important to him, and he thinks that he needs steroids to do his best (probably true). You think that steroids are dangerous and you don't want him taking them, or to have them in the house (very reasonable).

      He isn't likely to change his behavior, insisting that he does will just drive him to lie about it. I think that all you can do is decide if you are willing to stay with him under these conditions. You have every right to leave. You don't need to make it his "fault", it really doesn't matter.

      Comment


      • First I'd like to say thanks to you both. I might not have been clear in my original post: it was his friend who has done a cycle previously, not my boyfriend. As of now its not a continued behavior but trust me I know it very well could become one (and statistically it seems it will). While its a good point it's legally dangerous to have them in the house for me as well I hadn't even thought about that. The only reason I mentioned them already being in the house was because of my anger and hurt he hadn't told me he was thinking about this until it seemed the deed was done. My one and only concern are the effects physically and mentally on him, and second the disregard for my feelings.

        I know he isn't likely to change for or because of me and the point I left it at is that he has every right to make his decision as long as he has heard all I have to say about it and knows all I feel about it. I cant hold it against him either way as its his life. He has his choice to make and as rcorey said I have mine. As cliche as it is, making these decisions is easier said than done.

        Is there anyone out there who has experience being in my position maybe?

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        • Also, as I am new here and most of what I've seen of people in my situation has been fiancé and husband related, would it be helpful to post there as well or is that not protocol?

          Comment


          • As a body builder myself, I have to ask:

            What's his current weight? What's his bodyfat level? And how big are his arms right now?

            Steroids are demonized more than they should be. They are simply hormones similar to the birth control pill. However, usually the guys that use them have body dysmorphia. They might be "big" to people, but they feel small. Find out if that's what his problem is.
            Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

            Comment


            • I did a quick Google search on steroids, and apparently there are lots of perfectly legal ones you can take. Knowing there is a lot of science behind (supposedly) healthy steroid use, maybe you can ask that your boyfriend visit his GP and ask for advice about it? Hopefully, the doctor will steer him away, but if s/he can't, maybe he will still get some useful information about how to use safely.

              Honestly I don't know a whole lot about steroids, but I think that as long as what he's doing is legal and he has thoroughly and scientifically investigated his methods, why not? Of course, you may find that using steroids makes him a different person (or that the "legal" steroids were not so legal after all.)

              If he's already bent on using illegal steroids, it seems like there is an inherent incompatibility - my main concern is that he's introducing illegal substances into your shared space and then lying about it. The excessive amount of information I found about legal steroids with a few keystrokes make me wonder how healthy his attitude about gaining muscle is, if he is skipping straight to illegal substances.
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              • Little, it may be as simple as someone at his gym "hooking him up" with stuff. He may think steroids are an easy way to look like Arnold back in the 80's.

                The "legal" steroids you found are legal due to loopholes which I won't go into here. I will say that for most men, if working out is primarily done to look good for women, then they don't need to ever touch a chemical substance.

                I think most women would prefer a guy like Chris Hemsworth (as seen in Thor and The Avengers) which is a natural bodybuilding look, than Dwayne Johnson "The Rock" as he currently looks like now (he's definitely on something)
                Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

                Comment


                • Hello to you both and thank you for the alt perspective. To answer your question he's approx 5'4-5'5 (pretty short) about 155 (I don't know exactly but that's a good estimate arms at about 14 in (I've been the one to measure) he does often say he feels small but tbh from what I see of others around him, he is small in comparison. More later as I appreciate you responses!

                  Comment


                  • Changing the width of his body won't compensate for his height. I think he might be insecure about his height and is looking for an excuse to not be picked on, joked about, or an easy target for men who are 6ft and have big mouths. Does he have a history of being bullied or harassed? Because that would answer a lot of questions.

                    Comment


                    • He acts as if his height doesn't bother him and I have known him since high school and don't recall any bullying based on his height. I'm sure he's heard some grief since boys will be boys but nothing extreme that I know of.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Element View Post
                        Changing the width of his body won't compensate for his height. I think he might be insecure about his height and is looking for an excuse to not be picked on, joked about, or an easy target for men who are 6ft and have big mouths. Does he have a history of being bullied or harassed? Because that would answer a lot of questions.
                        I'm 5'6 and when I started working out, I also had 14" arms. After a few years I got them to about 18". It still sucked to be short, but trust me at least for me I didn't feel as insecure about my height.

                        And yes I was severely bullied when I was kid, primarily about my weight. Itsnc's bf is lucky to have a girl that cares about him at this age. I had nothing and was on my own.

                        Itsnc, If you don't care about him getting bigger, tell him that you think he's hot the way he looks now, and ask him why he wants to change. In my case I never cared about looking good for women at the time. I just wanted to look intimidating so that nobody would mess with me.

                        What's funny is that I did start intimidating a lot of people, but no one that deserved it, so I had to learn to hide my size and be generally friendly to people.
                        Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

                        Comment


                        • So, now that I can get a little deeper into the replies...

                          His motivation, at least what he tells me, is not to look good for women. He says it is to feel better for himself and he feels being "bigger" (to him bigger encompasses larger muscles, stronger, higher weight, all of it) will make him more equipped to perform the possible careers he is pursuing. I think he feels inadequate in many aspects of life including his ability to naturally build muscle. I have expressed my disgust with those huge juice heads, ironically The Rock in particular, as well as how attracted to my boyfriend I am as he is. Makes no difference. I recently lost between 50 and 60 lbs in a few months and I fully attribute some rather unhealthy techniques (another day another story) so speaking from the point of view of someone who desperately wanted to achieve a goal, so desperately that it consumed my entire being and I wanted it done FAST I think he sees the steroids as a quick means to an end...and that's part of what bothers me- I had so much pride in how much hard work he was doing and dedication he was showing to stay away from steroids and make progress when I know so many people at his gym are probably flaunting steroid based progress twenty times faster. It feels as if he's turning out not to be who I thought he was. I guess these things happen often, don't they?

                          I have so much trouble accepting that this could be our deal breaker because he very well could have done his research...he could understand the difference between use and abuse of steroids and it could not completely change his personality and he could feel and act fine during the cycle and never use them again. But he could go back to them. He could lie about it again (I would find out anyway, he said if nothing else I should take away from this situation that if I were ever tired of teaching I'd make a great detective ) and when could that be? Another year down the line? When surely itd be even harder and more heart breaking for me to leave? I could say fine, I'll ride this out until I'm uncomfortable with it and if this ever comes up again I'm DONE but then it's just shame on me if it were to come up again and I feel like I'm setting a precedent that ultimately I'm some sort of push over for him. Really, my head could cave in from all the overwhelming thoughts- one second "what on earth are you doing this isn't what you saw for yourself just go" the next "if you left you'd get about 5 mins of peace before utter devastation set in because you really don't want to leave".

                          Less than a week ago I was literally thanking (insert whatever higher power you may or may not believe in) for how well everything was going and how much we have grown together and to care for each other and now regardless of steroids or not I can't see how it could ever be the same or even ok, me harboring this anger towards him that this move he's made derailed the train, him feeling like I'm "acting" a type of way and looking at the whole situation poorly. Can't really blame him... I'd resent someone who was openly discussing uncertainty over staying while they lingered around trying to figure it out.

                          Love. It's just not like in the movies, huh? Boy meets girl, boy wants to do steroids, girl flies so far off the handle she turns to a forum, ending tbd. I'm totally pitching it. I can already type short novels as you can see... why not a script too?!

                          Comment


                          • My first thought was not with the illegalities. I hadn't even considered that. Most of the issues with this stuff are ethical in various professions, not legal. What kind of career is he pursuing?

                            My other thought was of the damage steroid users do to their bodies. Do you want to be with someone for life that is willing to deform themselves, potentially interfere with their health, sexual, and reproductive abilities, and shorten their lifespan to put on unnatural muscle? You have to set present feelings aside and look at what you might be experiencing for the long run. If it's worth it then don't threaten him. If it's too much, then you need to tell him that and mean it.

                            The rest of your life is a long time. Even when two people are fairly well-matched and work at a life together it's hard to make things work. You're still young. You can't control and foresee everything, but when life gives you a glimpse of what it has in store for you like it has it seems like a sin to ignore it.
                            "Those sowing seed with tears
                            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                            Comment


                            • Love. It's just not like in the movies, huh? Boy meets girl, boy wants to do steroids, girl flies so far off the handle she turns to a forum, ending tbd. I'm totally pitching it. I can already type short novels as you can see... why not a script too?!
                              lols well said...

                              I think you have to look at it like this. He was starting to get into body building when you met, you were on and off and then became more serious in March it appears he also has become more serious in his "sports" and I am betting that it is due to some form of in-security, perhaps height but I doubt he will tell you what it is.

                              He's not up himself, that's a good thing. But you don't want lies in a relationship and you do want compromise, meaning if it's a deal breaker for you, you have to move on and allow him to make his mistakes or not. If it's not, then compromise of what he wants and what you want in life, if you want this to be a lasting relationship.

                              I feel he was heading that way right from get go when you met him..

                              You have to decide if this crosses what you believe in or not, as I suspect he loves the look and where he is heading and will find it too hard to stop now.
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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