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Snooping double standard

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  • Snooping double standard

    So the girl I am seeing goes through my phone occasionally and doesn't even deny it. We have been dating a few months and are both in our mid 20's. At first, I was shocked and so I asked a lot of my girlfriends what I should do/is it normal. To my surprise, they ALL said that most girls go through phones. I don't recall ever going through any of my ex's phones, and none of my guy friends have gone through their girlfriends either (at least they aren't admitting to it). The funny thing is, when I googled the topic it seems like 85% of the stories are guys who did and are just getting ripped apart by girls for being nosy. Is this a snooping double standard? I just find it ridiculous that, according to forums like this, if I picked up my girlfriends phone right now I would be in the wrong, but it is ok for girls to look through mine.

    By the way, I delete like 50% of my texts now thanks to her. I am not cheating on her, but I know she (and most girls) would be shocked to read the stuff me and my friends say. So, there really is no point in going through mine. She has to know this, right? If she had been a little more sneaky about it, she would have at least been able to read some entertaining stuff!

  • I think the healthier replies you'll find will tell you that nobody should "snoop" - snooping of course being a violation of an expectation of privacy. So if somebody is A-OK with their partner going through their phone, and nobody's lying about having done so, that might not be snooping and might be fine. But if you're not okay with the investigation going on, even though your girlfriend isn't lying about it, hey ... that's not cool.

    Recognize that other people may require more openness than yours and it can be healthy for those people. Others may require more privacy (like yours does) and as long as everybody's on the same page, that's healthy too.

    So, do you think that your need to hide what goes on in your male relationships is indicative of a lack of compatibility in your relationship? Do you expect her to never understand the line of thinking that goes along with the exchanges between you and your friends (you call them entertaining, but why do you assume she wouldn't find them entertaining?)
    <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

    Comment


    • At one time, the phone did not keep a record of what number was called or received, or who texted what or anything else. The phone numbers were listed on the monthly bills, but that was it. So a gf ( you did not say gf, so I am not precisely talking about your case) would not have a way to check out her bf (she usually didn't have access to the bill, but this changes after marriage). Technology has improved that situation. Welcome to the fishbowl.

      I think many if not most women want to improve their guy. To do such, they need to know what is going on in his life. So they look for clues and today's communication devices can leave a lot of clues. Being clever, they compile and analyze the information and then ask their bf questions. Unfortunately, they may over analyze stuff and make a mountain out of a molehill. Also, some guys are shady. If there were no repercussions, I suspect most guys wouldn't be concerned about it, any more than they are concerned about their dirty laundry (the actual clothes). But because there are repercussions, there is this rise of guys wishing privacy. Maybe being a technology Luddite is not such a a bad thing.

      I'm not sure you will change this behavior. Learn to live with it or find someone who defines personal space more in line with your requirements. Mostly just live with it.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Have you ever considered telling her not to go through your phone?
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

        Comment


        • I don't understand the whole snooping on someone's phone thing. Maybe like you said, its something the young girls do. Maybe she was cheated on in the past but thats her issue to deal with. I think its very immature. It shouldn't be a double standard. Respect for privacy should be universal. It should go both ways. Be direct with her and tell her that you don't go through her phone and she doesnt need to be going through yours. She might not understand that concept if she thinks its no big deal. If this is a real problem among girls your age, then maybe you need to try dating a little older.

          Comment


          • My ex would constantly go through my phone, but if I touched his phone he would flip out...

            Come to find out he was always talking to other women behind my back and didn't want me to find out.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by ~Missy~ View Post
              My ex would constantly go through my phone, but if I touched his phone he would flip out...

              Come to find out he was always talking to other women behind my back and didn't want me to find out.
              Your ex was doing it to be controlling. Most women are not doing it to be controlling in the same way.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

              Comment


              • There's nothing on my phone that's worth hiding. My bf can go through it anytime. He keeps a pin number lock on his phone but I know what it is and he doesn't care if I use it. We don't snoop on each others phones.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by jns View Post
                  Your ex was doing it to be controlling. Most women are not doing it to be controlling in the same way.
                  That's very true.

                  Comment


                  • I don't think anyone should snoop on anyone's phone or internet history (and that includes the NSA <G>). I could not be in a relationship with someone who snoops. I don't keep my wife from having access to my phone, if she wants to borrow it or my computer, that is fine, but I expect her to not snoop.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Little View Post
                      I think the healthier replies you'll find will tell you that nobody should "snoop" - snooping of course being a violation of an expectation of privacy. So if somebody is A-OK with their partner going through their phone, and nobody's lying about having done so, that might not be snooping and might be fine. But if you're not okay with the investigation going on, even though your girlfriend isn't lying about it, hey ... that's not cool.

                      Recognize that other people may require more openness than yours and it can be healthy for those people. Others may require more privacy (like yours does) and as long as everybody's on the same page, that's healthy too.

                      So, do you think that your need to hide what goes on in your male relationships is indicative of a lack of compatibility in your relationship? Do you expect her to never understand the line of thinking that goes along with the exchanges between you and your friends (you call them entertaining, but why do you assume she wouldn't find them entertaining?)
                      No, she probably wouldn't find them entertaining at all. She would probably be shocked, but that doesn't mean I am cheating on her. Half of my texts are from my single friends talking about one night stands, shallow descriptions of girls, etc. But, that is what guys my age talk about. I am sure girls discuss similar things about guys they are sleeping with. And, no, I don't talk to them about her.

                      The truth is, I think she will go through my phone no matter what I say. It just makes me concerned because I know from personal experience that when someone starts to get suspicious/throw accusations at their partner, it is usually them who has something to hide. We both have a wild past, and up until a month or 2 ago when we decided to be more exclusive, we were both dating other people frequently. Her snooping makes me feel like she hasn't completely ended all her other relationships (I have absolutely NO reason to suspect this other than her being nosy, if that makes any sense). I think if she trusted me more, I would trust her more too.

                      Comment


                      • Actually, that makes perfect sense, and as a (reformed!) serial cheater I have to confirm - projection is a heck of a drug.
                        <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by oreman View Post
                          We both have a wild past, and up until a month or 2 ago when we decided to be more exclusive, we were both dating other people frequently.
                          What does "more exclusive" mean?
                          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                          ...
                          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                          Comment


                          • "more exclusive" means exclusive. I am not the best writer in the world.

                            Comment


                            • If my wife went through my phone I'd be ****ed and keep it locked in my car.
                              Not a thing to hide on it but absolutely no reason for either of us to go through each others phones, emails, web history, etc...

                              Comment

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