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Turbulent Relationship - what to do now?

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  • Turbulent Relationship - what to do now?

    I am new to the forum - forgive any faux pas I may commit. My apologies that this is so long. Here goes:

    I have been on again/off again with the same partner for the last 2 years. We met online with the intention of making new friends, but I found myself very attracted to him the night we met and I was unusually assertive (I was trying something new) - we made out liberally & did everything but have actual intercourse because he did not want to do so. We are both in our late 20's, I work in a demanding, academic environment and he was between jobs when we met. I really enjoyed his personality & his intellect, but I had concerns regarding his alcohol & pot consumption and I did not feel comfortable approaching him about it so I let it go. I do not drink, smoke, and generally spend a lot of time by myself because large social gatherings make me quite nervous; conversely, he is very social, has many friends and enjoys large social gatherings. I did fall in love with him - he showed affection, he was incredibly kind, sweet, introduced me to his friends, and we were intellectually meshing quite well. There were several problems that we had throughout the course of our relationship: I was single for several years before meeting him and was not accustomed to having someone expect me to spend time with them, I am a self-admitted workaholic and hold a full time + part time + volunteer + dance + take courses in preparation for graduate school, my reluctance to spend the night with him, his substance use.

    I am not a very aggressive person, so whenever we argued (always via text), I would explain why I was unhappy or upset, and he would call me vulgar names, accuse me of having moved on to someone else (conclusions he drew because the night we met I was so sexually assertive - he said that meant that I would sleep with anyone), accuse me of being cold, selfish, and pathetic for choosing to live with my parents to help them financially. This relationship has taken a toll on me emotionally. I am generally not of a very high self esteem, and because I am sober about 99% of the year, I remember everything that's been said to me. I am reluctant to be sexually open with him because I'm afraid it'll be interpreted as my being a "********" in another argument, I feel unsafe with him because he drank often and always ended up saying horrible things to me when we argued.

    We broke up at the end of April 2013 after he confessed to me that he had unprotected sex with a stranger while we were split up and contracted an STI that he shared with me.

    He was in a horrible accident 2 weeks later, consequence of scooter + no helmet + DUI. He was in a medically induced coma for over a month, inpatient at a rehabilitation hospital for traumatic brain injury, and was recently released home. I was in shock when I heard of his accident and, even though we were not together, I was still in love with him and I wanted to make sure he was ok. I visited him every day he was in the hospital & he woke up confused and aggressive. His doctors asked that we not upset him too much, so we (his family and I) let it go and didn't correct him too much. When he was more coherent he asked me to come by and was acting like we never broke up. I didn't want to upset him so I let it slide and was no more affectionate than I would be with a friend. He now wants us to resume our relationship and I don't know that I can do it. I am afraid of upsetting him given his current condition, but I don't think that it would be good for either one of us.

    I am apprehensive about this prospect, and I fear that the anger I feel regarding his accident will come out, that I don't feel emotionally safe around him, will all come out and things will go bad very quickly.

    I suppose I am asking where do I go from here?

  • While it is very kind of you to try to help be with him after his accident, you are not required to be his girlfriend. Talk to his doctors or nurses and find out whether the risky time is past (it almost certainly has). Then you can let him know the situation. You don't need to "blame" him - it doesn't matter, but you do need to leave.

    BTW - he sounds horrible and I think you would do well to end all contact.


    • Talk to his parents and let them know your position. Ask that when they visit, they perhaps claim that you can't attend due to all your job commitments at present so that there is a window of time for him to get used to it.

      You are not responsible for him getting onto a bike drunk and ending up in a near death situation. He sounds like a drifter that has no intentions of every understanding what being "normal" is and getting involved in a normal relationship. It's toxic and the love you may have is sympathy coupled with loneliness the will and want and desire to still have love in your life as we all do, work-a-holic or not.

      You know in your heart he is not good for you emotionally. And, I truly think also that the love is more sympathy or even a what if? Due to this and the amount of time he's been in hospital without alcohol, pot he changes? He is on other drugs in the hospital and it's his life, that's nothing you can change he has to want to change it. If he were to say to you, I'm done with alcohol and drugs this was a wake up call and I realise your worth I'd re-consider but that's not the case.


      • Thank you for your replies.

        Rcoreyus, the "risky period" is kind of a blur at the moment. He's clearly well enough to go home, but he still has half of his skull that will be reattached in 2 weeks. I do agree with you, though, I think it's time to go our separate ways. Either way, his virtues have never overshadowed the fact that his apparent "love" for me never prompted him to control his anger.

        Chandlers wish, you're right, I'm not responsible for his actions. I expected things from him without acknowledging that we were looking for different things. I'm so disappointed in him, I expected him to be able to take care of himself & be responsible with his own body. Realistically, I could never trust someone with my heart if he is not willing or able to take care of himself. Strangely enough, we had a conversation about his alcohol use post-accident. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to drink again & I wanted to hurt him.

        It's probably better that we go our separate ways, it just bothers me that he has such little regard for his own body.


        • Walk away, it's not easy but it will be for your best interest in the long and short run.
          You should be able to see now what more time with him will be like, if he gets his life back in order that'd be great, but do you really want to invest into only a possibility?
          Before I met my wife I was in love with a girl from the other side of the tracks so to speak. I tried everything to get her moving in the right direction, even offering her own appartment even after we quit dating just to get her out of her enviroment, I saw the writing on the wall of where she was heading and even though we no longer dated we still talked from time to time.
          Long story short, severe car accident due to drinking and driving, brain trauma, wheelchair bound. When I went to see here when she got home we cried, she knew she'd screwed up royally. Even though I still loved her she'd made it clear before the accident she didn't feel the same about me. I could have probably stayed with her as she needed someone but I had to walk away and move on with my life.
          I have no regrets about it, but I still think about her a lot, over 30 years later.



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