[stella5]

Hi All!

I had been dating a new guy for about 3 weeks when I left the country for a 2-week work trip. We had just started sleeping together when I left, and at least texting every day and everything was great. When I left he wished me a good trip, asked when i'd be back etc. I gave him my email address and said to write me if he wanted to chat. I'm now 1 week into my trip and have not heard from him.

On the one hand I feel disappointed because I would love to hear from him and hope that he is thinking about me. ON the other hand, he is not my boyfriend and is also insanely busy (he's a first year surgical resident who works 100 hours a week on a SLOW week). I have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations very early in new romantic situations. If you were me, would you just chill and wait to see if he reaches out at the end of the trip? Or would you interpret his lack of communication as "meaning" something (i.e. something negative as in this has ALREADY fizzled out).

Please note, I can't email him without it becoming obvious that I totally facebook stalked him

Thank you!

Stella

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Stella, I guess I am asking myself why he asked when you would be back..

A new relationship with substance the two parties knows what is going on. It sounds to me more like he was enjoying things and then not thinking, realised you were away for a bit and "oh" when are you back?

I would not contact him at all, make him wonder think... and contact.

Whilst in my opinion you did everything the right way, I don't see his enthusiasm shared the same.

Chill enjoy your trip, know your self worth and see what happens.

[stella5]

Thank you! I guess I should have been more specific - he knew I was going away and made a point of hanging out with me my last night in town. When he asked when I was coming back, it was to get a more specific answer, i.e. "Saturday the 24th" - he already knew the general 2-week window.

To be fair, I was also just enjoying things and not thinking much. It was just when I went away that I realized that I kind of like him. I'm not terribly affirming or encouraging to dudes, and have been playing it pretty cool. Our last conversation/date before I left got a little intense though - but driven from his side. After stating that he recognizes that it's really hard for two people who are extremely guarded (guilty as charged) to show that they like each other, he opened up and told me a bunch of seriously painful stuff from his past etc. He asked me a lot of intense questions that I refused to answer because I thought it was too soon and didn't feel comfortable answering (setting healthy boundaries is my new thing!). But he did ask me what I was looking for and I told him the truth - I'm looking for a relationship, I'm not just trying to have fun sexy times with not much else (though the sexy times with him are pretty freaking spectacular). If that nugget of truth scared him off, I think it's kind of for the better? I was never going to put that information out there this soon....but he asked and I told him the truth.

So I agree with you...chill, do my thing, and see what happens when I get back. And if he does contact me, I'm refusing to resent him for his lack of contact. Until I know him well enough to know what his "normal" is, it might be a little unfair to hold him to my sometimes unrealistic expectations?

[jns]

Has he continued to post to Facebook?

[stella5]

No. We also met with the notorious OKC, and he deactivated his account the last week I was in town, and hasn't re-activated it.

[jns]

See how it goes. With him being as busy as you describe, your vacation may be a time to regroup and catch up on rest for him. Modern communications have changed things a bit, but guys can sometimes be slow and/or sparse on communications.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't have much faith personally, with someone after 3 weeks that opens up and tells of a painful past. I see that as two things, baggage that they can not get over and secondly, playing the sympathy card with an edge of in-security.

My honest feeling is he was happy the way it was, and not ready for a relationship due to the baggage of the past... Do you know why he de-activated his face-book before you left? He has your email, he could re-activate facebook. He may be pondering if he can take this to the next level.

Always be yourself.. Being assertive and telling the "truth" is a good thing, better to get an answer at 3 weeks than 3 months when your heart is more attached.

Just remember his baggage may be heavy, a burden you would have to carry work with and we can't change people, they have to want to change themselves.

[stella5]

Thank you, I definitely agree that now is the best time for truth. He didn't de-activate facebook, he de-activated his dating site profile. The things from his past he discussed were not romantic-relationship related; more like painful parental relationship stuff. And not of the genre that most people ever really get over, but it is the kind of stuff that makes you more aware of what is important in life and how to forge your own happiness. Yes, it was painful and revealing, but at the same time he seems to have processed most of it quite well.

The good news is that my baggage makes it nearly impossible for me to trust anybody, ever, or to open up in any real way for a loooooooooooooooong time. I say that's good news because if it turns out he's checked out of whatever this is, i'll be sad for a day and then be fine. You can really never know what motivates other people, and least of all 3 weeks into something when you really don't know them at all. I like him, but at this point it's probably more a function of enjoying his company and all those **** endorphins. Nothing that will leave a scar if it doesn't work out. I've gotten to a point in life where I'm pretty secure, and am myself most of the time (it's totally exhausting to try to be someone else!), so if he doesn't like it, that's also fine, it never would have worked out.

Thanks for giving me the space to process what I've been thinking, and for your advice!

[Trisha23]

maybe his busy or you just expect too much from him but still try to reach out on him if that makes you happy...just chill and set your mind that he has no obligation of keeping in touch with you...