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Need advice on complicated relationship

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  • Need advice on complicated relationship

    Hmm, if I had a Facebook page, I'd actually have to put "it's complicated" in that relationship tag lmao. I never thought that would happen to me.

    Backstory. For various reasons, none of them too important to this topic, I don't want kids. I've actually had a vasectomy make sure I can never have any "accidents"

    Anyway, I've been seeing a girl that really likes me, and I never should have pursued her without telling her my stance on kids (which I usually did in the past with other girls before things got physical).

    So I ended telling her my stance, and about the vasectomy. She was kind of crushed a little. I honestly thought she would stop wanting to see me. But she still wants to date me. Had a chat with her and explained to her that if she wants kids she needs to find a guy that will give her kids.

    But she says she wants to casual date because she's enjoying her time with me. Ok so I like her and don't mind hanging out with her, and it's definitely nice to sleep with her too lol but I don't want her getting attached to me and getting her feeling hurts. I can't give her what she wants, but now I don't know how to end things.

    It's like if I just cut things off now, cold turkey she will be hurt, but if I continue seeing her, in the future she will be hurt even more badly.

    I need some guidance? What would you gals recommend I do?
    Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

  • If she said she wants to "casually date", then she just might be in it for good company and sex. Also she might be "exploring other options" whilst she is sleeping with you. To me, the term "casually date" means that it's nothing promising and not committed. So if you both agreed to be "casual", you both are free to see other people.

    Comment


    • Hurt feelings and loss of friendships are possible from casual dating with or without sex. Because of the bonding that can occur during dating, the relationship can change. Hopefully for you things will not change, but they can.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • I think that we have to account for ourselves. It is not your job to worry about what happens, as you were perfectly clear and honest.. I also think that people should enjoy each other, what will be will be and not look so closely into the future, rather live the now.

        Life is about learning and each day we learn something new and with that, sometimes, our mindset alters somewhat..

        People here and I know of more than a few, have claimed never to get married, because no one will want them, bitter and angry, or they can't find what they are looking for but for the most part, they were always lost and didn't know themselves. Now they are engaged, married, have children even and are so in love and happy that it makes me happy.

        The key of it being, you can not look into the future. Be honest, which you have and enjoy the now in life.

        If you are honestly more concerned you will fall in love? That's a different topic and needs to be discussed, because if that's the case and you think you will get hurt or change your mind, then you need to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing by you.

        I sense a lot of fear in you, you have to work at that because life for you could actually be really good if you let it.
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • If she said she wants to "casually date", then she just might be in it for good company and sex. Also she might be "exploring other options" whilst she is sleeping with you. To me, the term "casually date" means that it's nothing promising and not committed. So if you both agreed to be "casual", you both are free to see other people.
          If I do this, should I tell her? Should we come to some sort of mutual understanding on it?

          Hurt feelings and loss of friendships are possible from casual dating with or without sex. Because of the bonding that can occur during dating, the relationship can change. Hopefully for you things will not change, but they can.
          Yeah I know, that's what worries me.

          If you are honestly more concerned you will fall in love? That's a different topic and needs to be discussed, because if that's the case and you think you will get hurt or change your mind, then you need to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing by you.
          Hmm, well let me go back about 12 years. The first girl I officially asked out and dated reminds me a lot of the current girl I'm seeing.

          We went out for a bit. She seemed to be a sweet girl. She started talking about kids (I didn't bring it up, she did) and I told her my stance on kids. She said she wanted them and couldn't change her mind.

          I actually thought about it really hard, if I should cave in and just accept that my life would include kids. I held on and told her I didn't want any kids. I also broke up with her. ******** I can't believe I had the courage to do that. I liked her a lot, she liked me, but I was so sure it couldn't work out. I was afraid if I developed strong feelings for her, I'd cave in and end up having kids.

          She might have been my wife now and I'd probably have 2-3 kids in their teens.

          Instead, she slapped me in the face and stormed out when I told her I wanted to break things off. I cried pretty hard that night, but the sadness became anger.

          I resolved to bring the "kids" issue immediately with other girls. So yeah, dates were usually cut pretty short hah hah.


          So to answer your question, am I afraid of falling in love? No, not anymore, I've become immune to that effect. I am afraid that she will fall in love with me, stick around with me, and then secretly hate me because I can't give her kids. I know what that pain feels like too well. I don't want to put her, or any other girl thru that.

          I sense a lot of fear in you, you have to work at that because life for you could actually be really good if you let it.
          I'm honestly trying to see how. I have zero issues finding a woman. I can ask women out and out of 20, one is bound to say yes, that's how it usually goes for me.

          Then what? fall into exactly the same situation that got me where I am right now? Hurt another girl's feelings because I chased but could not provide what she needed?

          I honestly don't know what to do right now.
          Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

          Comment


          • Btw Chandler's Wish, I've been reading your advice to other people. I just wanted to say this board is lucky to have you onboard. You definitely are a sweet caring woman. I can see the good in you and how you genuinely want to help people. I'm the same way, for me because I can't stand how mean some human beings can be to people simply because they have things about themselves they can't do anything about.

            There's other great members here too. Hopefully I can become someone that can help instead of needing help myself
            Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

            Comment


            • No one will stay with you Obelisk, if you are heck bent on making sure you don't fall in love with them. They will see it, notice it, feel it, feel rejected, un-loved and eventually walk.

              If you are honest at get go and they stay, in what ever capacity, go with it. You never hurt anyone, they made the choice not you.

              But, you have to believe...

              Yep, believe. Because going airy fairy all over the place in life is not going to find you happiness. Believe that you deserve love as well and she is out there, don't care what you say
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • I think you two definitely need to be specific by what you both mean by "casual dating". You need to first think upon how you personally define it and how you wish to lead your "relationship" with this woman. Do you want to be free to see other woman whilst you "hook up with her"? Do you wish to know before you sleep with her again if she has been with another man, the worry of std's is there. If this really isn't a "relationship" does that mean that she pays for her own meals, her own movie ticket? What lines do you lay down?

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Obelisk View Post
                  Btw Chandler's Wish, I've been reading your advice to other people. I just wanted to say this board is lucky to have you onboard. You definitely are a sweet caring woman. I can see the good in you and how you genuinely want to help people. I'm the same way, for me because I can't stand how mean some human beings can be to people simply because they have things about themselves they can't do anything about.

                  There's other great members here too. Hopefully I can become someone that can help instead of needing help myself
                  Thanks Obelisk, have to admit firstly I googled your name and it did put a smile on my face of the representation

                  I am confident in saying everyone is lost until found. Also, I am confident in saying that age makes a huge difference in how you see things in life.

                  Thank you for your compliment, appreciated. And, I am sure that you already have contributed on this Forum from what I have read.

                  I guess we just trying to get you found instead of lost
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • It is very considerate of you to take her feelings into consideration. I understand your reasoning completely but at the end of the day your both consenting adults and each responsible for your own decisions and emotions. Having said that...people will act and react in different ways. I can feel your quite hesitant as to not go down that same road as before as with other women you dated, but you really have to take a step back from your fears and just go with what feels right. I counsel people all the time who all of a sudden are knee deep in a committed relationship and one of them was never up front about wanting or not wanting children or they simply changed their mind but with that revelation, it rarely ends well. You have been honest with her and if she still wants to casually see you and you like hanging out with her I see no reason why you should stop...that is unless your are looking for a wife. In that case you clearly know she wants kids...you do not...so don't waste each others time.
                    "Be the change you want to see in the world" - Mahatma Ghandi

                    Comment

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