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Insane Commitment Phobia?

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  • Insane Commitment Phobia?

    I have been in an on-off relationship with a man for two and a half years. He comes in and out of my life following the same pattern- we get extremely close and then he disappears only to reappear again a few weeks/months down the line. He has experienced the death of both of his parents and has some intense issues about loss. I have always been very patient with his issues and I am crazy in love with this guy which is why I have let this continue.
    On Friday, after a period of being apart yet again, he was insistent on meeting up. When I saw him he told me he had realised how badly he has treated me, he wants to make amends and start a proper relationship and he can't ever let me go because he doesn't want to lose me. He told me he would never find another woman like me, that I was the person he wanted to be with and that he wanted us to start a proper relationship. I told him I needed time to think about this as I didn't think I could trust him given how hot and cold he has been over time.
    Today, after three days of thinking, I told him I still wasn't convinced and needed assurance that he still felt the same about moving things forward in a relationship. He said he needed to take small steps and that I was putting too much pressure on him to 'define' what we are. I said there was no pressure but I needed to know he was 100% certain he wanted to try and move things forward, as he had been so prone to changing his mind in the past. He said he couldn't give me that reassurance and that he would be 'up and down' and I needed to decide whether I could put up with this or not. I told him I could not as I needed to be with someone that knows for certain they want to be with me. I had to walk away from him and it's the hardest thing I've had to do.
    I could not believe that in the space of three days he had taken a complete U turn on his feelings. I love this man. Have I been too impatient with someone with deep issues that I could have helped to resolve or am I just being a complete mug for going along with this scenario for so long? I'm terribly heart broken again and would really appreciate some input.

  • elouise my husband lost his father at the age of 9 years of age and then his mother in his late teens. It wasn't dealt with properly and it caused him so many issues. He was an alcoholic (never violent) and hid away from us. My husband has also passed at a young age. I am so worried that my children are going to go down the same path. My oldest son and myself are in therapy my youngest doesn't want to go. Everyone grieves differently, this is normal. But sometimes you need help dealing with this and that is what he needs.

    I think you are handling this beautifully. You can't enable this behavior anymore. It is up to him to get help and deal with his issues. You still can be supportive but tell him that he has to put himself first right now and get help. And if his first therapist isn't helping get another one.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Needytoo View Post
      elouise my husband lost his father at the age of 9 years of age and then his mother in his late teens. It wasn't dealt with properly and it caused him so many issues. He was an alcoholic (never violent) and hid away from us. My husband has also passed at a young age. I am so worried that my children are going to go down the same path. My oldest son and myself are in therapy my youngest doesn't want to go. Everyone grieves differently, this is normal. But sometimes you need help dealing with this and that is what he needs.

      I think you are handling this beautifully. You can't enable this behavior anymore. It is up to him to get help and deal with his issues. You still can be supportive but tell him that he has to put himself first right now and get help. And if his first therapist isn't helping get another one.
      Needytoo- thank you so much for your reassurance. It is so difficult to walk away from someone you love but I really feel like I can't do any more for him and in creating this false sense of a 'relationship' isn't helping him. I'm so sorry for your own difficulties and I hope that you and your family come through this.

      Comment


      • This is an issue of personal responsibility--or irresponsibility--on his part. If your boyfriend were suffering from a serious but treatable illness that was hurting your relationship, you would expect him to take himself to a doctor and begin treatment. That is the responsible adult thing to do.

        If he refused to see a doctor and asked you to simply "be patient" while things worked themselves out, you would probably think he had lost his mind.

        Your boyfriend has a significant psychological problem that makes it impossible for him to maintain a relationship, yet he has done nothing to get help nor indicates that he will get help. He is asking you to patiently postpone your life while he takes small steps.

        That is not what responsible adults do.

        You did the right thing. If he comes back to you, insist that he make concrete steps to get help, ie see a professsional.

        Good luck

        Comment

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