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zero sex drive...is it my pill? depression? or my boyfriend?

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  • zero sex drive...is it my pill? depression? or my boyfriend?

    ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. i love him very much, and i know he loves me a ton. however, i think weve gotten past the honeymoon stage. some of the things he does bother me. he is funny, which is what drew me to him at first, but now its getting old, because i do not want funny all the time. i want him to be serious, romantic, and sentimental once in awhile, but he rarely is. we do have those moments sometimes, but mostly he just likes to joke around. his humor itself annoys me too. he finds it funny to pretend to be angry. for example, he will say something like "do you want some coffee?" and ill say "no thanks" and he will say "really? i offer you coffee and you say no? ******** you! get out of my house!" (TRUST ME, no need to worry, he is just joking around, for some reason he finds this funny). i just ignore him and he will come hug me and say in a cute voice "im sorry. you know i love you." so to sum him up, i would just say hes immature lol. but i do love him...he is caring, attentive, sweet, and fun. i just wish he would act a little more his age (28). now on to the problem...my sex drive. i really have NO interest in sex anymore. it was very enjoyable when we first started dating, but after about 6 or 7 months together i slowly started losing interest. we started having sex in june and my drive started to diminish around december. i enjoy it once we are having it, but even then i dont absolutely LOVE it. i can never bring myself to initiate, and when he does i dont feel relaxed and aroused, but a little tense. i am trying to figure out what the cause of this is, because i love him and want to please him, but there are multiple things that could be affecting my drive.

    1. birth control. i had already been on it for 10 months when we met. i dont know why my sex drive would change suddenly, after being fine for a year and a half.
    2. depression. i have some symptoms...irritable, fatigued, unhappy, etc. i graduated in may of 12 and have been having trouble finding a job. i could contribute the change in sex drive to depression, because when it changed around december, i had been out of college for about 8 months and had really thought i would have had a job by then. i nannyed for awhile, and i loved the kids, but the job depressed me because i wasnt using my brain, i did a lot of housework so i felt like a glorified housekeeper which killed my self esteem, and i just felt like i wasnt going to find anything because i applied to so many jobs and never heard from any. i wonder if around the time my sex drive changed, it was because i had become depressed from the stress of not finding a job and feeling underemployed in the one i was in. i also feel inferior to him, because hes a teacher and hes successful. he does not judge me, but understands that its tough for new grads, but i still feel inferior and awkward dating a successful person (it also makes me feel like the age gap is widened (im 23) because i feel like a kid without a job while hes an adult).
    3. health issues. ive also been having some health issues. i have a recurring problem with my lips and eyes swelling, as well as other things, and i found out i have TONS of the symptoms of candidiasis and hypothyroidism. one of the symptoms of both is lack of sex drive. i will be going to the doctor soon to find out if i have either, but even still, it could just be a coincidence that lack of sex drive is a symptom, and i could have it for another reason.
    4. the cycle of fearing pain. my boyfriend is well endowed, so because of my lack of sex drive, i have trouble getting aroused, so when he enters me im not loose enough and it hurts. then the next time we have sex i have the fear of the pain, which makes me fear sex, and its a vicious cycle!
    5. the one i hope it isnt...the relationship itself. like i said, i love my boyfriend. we do work pretty well together, and have not had a single fight in a year and a half. however, we do have issues like a normal couple does. like i said, he does things to annoy me, and i do things to annoy him. and we also have different views about big things in life...he is a spender and im a saver, so his money habits REALLY bother me and make me nervous. i am not 100% confident in the relationship and i am not sure if he is the one. i desperately want him to be, because he is a great guy, but im worried that after a year and a half im still not sure. if he proposed tomorrow i really dont know what i would say. i would probably say no, because i wasnt ready or even sure. shouldnt i know by now? so, is the fact that im not sure if hes the one and i have been getting more annoyed with him because we have a crappy sex life? would we have better sex if i knew he was the one and he didnt do things to annoy me? or do we have crappy sex BECAUSE deep down i know hes not the right one for me?

    sorry this was long. id really appreciate any insight...ive posted forums on this website before and i know everyone is so helpful. im just feeling down because i dont know if my relationship is not as great as i want because i have no sex drive, or if i have no sex drive because my relationship is not as great as i want. just need some help. thanks everyone.

  • hi...to me it seems like a combination of things, mostly the fact that you have been dealing with some "depression".. us women need to feel balanced to be able to feel sexual. women are more mental, and when our minds are disturbed, it can make a mess of everything. i dont think that your boyfriend is the issue. every couple has problems, i cant recall one boyfriend that ive had that didnt do things that bothered me. as a couple you will be able to work it out, communication is key.

    in my opinion, what you need to do is try and clear your mind. stress is a big turn off. one advice i have is for you to try masturbation. it might help you relax while slowly bringing back your sexual side.

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    • Actually when I get depressed I want sex more because it fulfills an increase in emotional needs. Sometimes I want so much sex because my meds have faded and need changed that my husband can't possibly handle it. Then I just start asking for touch and he does everything he would do to get ready for sex without the act happening. so you never know. Really we can't figure it out for you. You could try stopping the pill, going on different antidepressants (it can take 3 or 4 to find one that works and they can cause lack of sex drive), talk things over with your boyfriend to see if things can be improved..... There's too many variables to name one without you doing some work.

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