Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Online dating - what questions concerning child is not appropriate?

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Online dating - what questions concerning child is not appropriate?

    I'm use to the guy who after one email is looking for my phone number but sometimes I get a guy like this one. Who drags emailing on endlessly. It has been since Sunday but it seems longer!

    Anyways, this guy who I'm emailing back and forth has a child. I have covered a lot of different topics but I have touched on his child a little. I asked him how old his child is. He didn't answer the question. I asked him if his child lives with him a few days during the week or weekend. That is something I see a lot. Fathers have the child a few days and the mother has the other. He answers mostly weekends. I didn't ask those question one after another but in random emails with other questions.

    So in the last email I asked him what kind of stuff do you like to do during your free time. I said I would image part of that time is spent with your son. Do you spend time with your son most weekends? He comes back emailing me, how was your day. Really?

    I'm curious to how much free time he has. Is it wrong to ask that? Is there some barrier I'm crossing by asking that? Or is there some barrier by asking his son's age? I kind of wonder if he is hiding something but maybe no. What do you think?
    [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

  • He may think that he doesn't know you well enough that he wants to talk about his kid. Or that you are a woman who is interested in getting offspring from him and he's not ready for that. It sounds like he just wants to get to know you, and you get to know him for him; not as a father. As a young woman dating a single father; my boyfriend is different as himself, and then as a father. His demeanor changes when he's in "dad mode" compared to when it's just me and him. Especially when we're out with friends, he can be just another man out and about, instead of a father. My suggestion is to just talk to him as he's yet another man, and not a father. When/if the time comes about to include his child; he will. Many women run when they find out a man has a kid, so I believe that is why he let you know up front, my man faced that before.

    Comment


    • Element, I guess I am one of those women who looks to the future. I know, bad habit, I guess. But I was trying to figure out how much time he has away from his son. If I word it that way, I thought it would have sounded horrible. That is why I asked if he sees his son every weekend.

      I asked him what he did for fun. His response is How was your day? If he can't answer the question of what he does for fun because his son is involved, then I don't know what to say.

      This is one of those guys who I have to think up all of the questions and he just answers them quickly. He doesn't ask me a different one. We have done this about ten times already and still he has not made a real move. I'm getting ready to say move on, if he can't do something better than How was your day?
      [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

      Comment


      • I had also asked him what his work hours were and he ignored that also. Other guys either answer the question with no problem at all or use it as a way to ask me out. I don't know if this guy has some issues that I don't know about it but I'm getting sick of him.

        I'm not going to answer How was my day? That is a lot more personal than any of the questions I ask him! The questions I asked him were pretty general.

        Sorry, some times these guys just aggravate me!
        [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

        Comment


        • Well as Element's boyfriend (hello by the way) I've been asked to toss my hat in here to offer some perspective from possibly the other guy's point of view.

          When I was dating I completely separated my son from my dating. No woman met him, I didn't discuss him much (if at all) and I did that because my relationship with him was not really the point of my relationships with other women. In honesty it wasn't until Element that I even let him meet a woman I was dating at all. I didn't do this because I wanted a huge backstop between my life at home and my dating life, but simply because as a parent who was dating, I didn't want my child seeing women come and go. Not that I'm a player or anything, but I dated a few women and I didn't want my son to meet and get attached to a girl who I may (and did) not continue to date.

          It's entirely possible that the guy you're talking to is trying to be discreet (and badly I might add) at asking you to swap the subject. Not because he wants to be mean, but simply because he has chosen that his child is known of, but he doesn't know you well enough to really go into depth about them with you. It's also entirely possible that the guy is inattentive and a little slow at times. I have no idea, but if he's like me then don't take it personally. It's not to be rude, and it's not to be stand offish, but it's part of being a single parent that is so very VERY hard to explain. It may simply be because he wants that space between you and his child so far. And honestly there are enough wackadoodles on the interwebz I don't think you can blame him being cautious.

          If you like him thus far, make that extra effort to try and arrange something. Talk on the phone, Skype, whatever. Hell if you want to go on a real date more power to you. But when you treat him like a guy and not like a dad, it may make his responses come out much more fluidly, instead of him defaulting to worry about his child. But then again I could peg this guy totally wrong and he could just be an idiot. I have NO idea. But it sounds like it's worth at least the try.

          Hope it helps!

          ~Element's Slave Labor

          Comment


          • I think Element's bf makes some very valid points. At the same time I understand where Amber is coming from, she wants to know how his being a father will affect any relationship that could happen. Ultimately a time will come when one or both will have to roll the dice on whether to go forward.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • Instead of just not returning his email at all last night, and to tell him to get lost. I emailed him saying that I had just wanted to know how much time he had free on his own. And that asking about my day was more personal than anything I had asked so far. It told him my day was good, nothing exciting.

              he goes back and finally tells me he has his son every weekend. Still doesn't tell me what he does for fun. And then asks me why I never got married and did I ever want kids? Really? Asking what he does for fun and his work hours are not personal but he can ask me those question. He is now being a jerk!!

              Do I next get to ask him how many sex partners he has had? lol I have had enough!
              [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

              Comment


              • That guy is gone.

                Element, for future use, when a guy who has a child approaches me, I don't ask him about his child at all? Not even a general question? Sort of pretend he doesn't exist in the beginning. I just thought maybe the guy would get offended by that.
                [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

                Comment


                • Hi Amber! I have done a fair amount of online chatting, dating and getting to know men online so I can share my observations and what I have gleaned from it. Maybe it'll help.

                  Especially in those early stages of messaging, I no longer try to figure out "why" a man may or may not say something. There's way too much speculation going into that and you have nothing to base it on because we don't know them yet.
                  What I have done, more successfully is, listen to what they say and what they don't say. "It is what it is". If a man avoided questions, I saw that as a negative...I don't care the reason...
                  Now a man who answered me, saying he prefers not to discuss his work life just yet, or here's the info I'm willing to share about my child at this stage of getting to know you...
                  That, to me, is a much more communicative and mature way to approach me, than just ignoring my questions. To me, this shows me that he has a healthy sense of his own boundaries and is comfortable enough to tell me that. I appreciate and respect a man with the balls to set those boundaries and protect himself as well.
                  Now I am looking for a relationship...not casual dating so my criteria is a little more strict. I have found that men who are genuinely looking for a life partner are much more communication based and have the balls to say no if they simply don't wanna answer. That's maturity and experience and awareness on their part, as I see it.
                  Hope that's helpful and makes sense. I am 41, and it's been a real eye opener online...dating is hell!

                  Comment


                  • Men will want to know if you view them having a child in a positive or negative light; if you're going to run. Other than that, get to know him as a man, not as a father. Once he's ready to let you in on him and his child; then let him guide the conversation to what he is comfortable revealing to you. Remember that you are on the internet; so he needs to get to know you for who you are before he lets a stranger from the net know personal information about his child.

                    Also remember that you are dealing with a single father, that is WAY different than married and having a spouse next to you through it all. You may see how he is raising his child alone (if he has primary custody) or part time on weekends (if the child lives with the mother). So don't expect that how you see him with his kid is how he will EXACTLY be if you wed and have kids together. It just means that he has experience with being a parent. But you can't raise two kids the same, so there will certainly be times he doesn't know what to do because what worked with kid1 isn't working for kid2. All in all, you'll get a feel for how he is as a parent, but it's not foretelling exactly how he will be as your husband and a father to your kids.

                    Comment


                    • Amber,

                      It seems to me that you were asking legitimate questions. There is no point in dating a man who really doesn't have the amount of time to spend with you that you desire.

                      A guy who was interested in building a serious relationship would be much more forthcoming with basic information like how much time he spends with his child and the things they do together. It's not like you were asking where he the kid lived and how you could make contact with him.

                      I don't know whether or not you care about kids, but if you cared deeply about children, you would certainly base some of your decision about whether you wanted to date a man on the nature of his relationship with his child.

                      It would be foolish to get attached to a man with no real understanding of his parental devotion and obligation. That leads to the "I didn't think it would be like this when we were dating" fights after you get serious.

                      Element's boyfriend's approach to protecting his child from the drama of his love life is a great approach. However, I think the woman needs to know something about the child and the father-child relationship before she gets too attached.

                      Comment


                      • Something I forgot to mention before that occurred to me today. If this go was so bent on trying to protect his child, then why did he post a very clear decent size picture of his son on his dating website page. You could see his features clearly. It is like a tease. Here he is but don't ask me anything about him. Wow, if I was trying to protect my child, I wouldn't have a full clear picture of him on a dating website for anyone to see. Makes me wonder all the more what his problem was! The boy looked to be seven or eight but I had no idea how old the picture was.

                        Atskitty2, I think it wouldn't have bothered me as much if he had come out and explained it to me. Instead of ignoring me. But this guy, either didn't care to or doesn't know how to communicate. As for age, I'm very close to you and I'm definitely looking for a serious relationship. Guys like him just aggravate me.
                        [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Pollon View Post
                          Amber,
                          It would be foolish to get attached to a man with no real understanding of his parental devotion and obligation. That leads to the "I didn't think it would be like this when we were dating" fights after you get serious.

                          Element's boyfriend's approach to protecting his child from the drama of his love life is a great approach. However, I think the woman needs to know something about the child and the father-child relationship before she gets too attached.
                          I agree with you.

                          And it is not like I was asking to spend time with the child or any specific information. I don't expect to meet the child until months into the dating. A few general questions wouldn't have hurt. And if it would, then tell me. Not just ignore me time and time again. That wasn't the first email he did that to me. It was just the first one that he refused to answer the whole email and I had about had it at that point.
                          [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

                          Comment


                          • I understand-I've been there.
                            And actually, I've often felt there was something just not quite right about the men's pictures with their kids posted there. If I had kids of my own, i wouldn't put their picture out there...I have asked some men why they do, they seem to think i have a point and take the kid pics down-at least for awhile.
                            Have fun with this tho...don't get too bogged down with these kinds of interactions...there are actually good guys on there it just takes awhile to find them.

                            Comment

                            or

                            Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                            Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                            Latest Activity On Our Forums

                            Collapse

                            Latest Topics On Our Forums

                            Collapse

                            Working...
                            X