[Annapol]

He's wonderful. He's loving. He's devoted. He also kind of ditched another girl for me, but strung her along until I called him on it when I found out. And it ****es me off that I had to "find out" instead of him answering me honestly when I asked him about it.

Right now he's doing everything he can to clean up the mess, and I do trust that he loves me and wants to be with only me, but I can't help but feel like our whole past is built on lies. What should I believe in? His actions now, or his lies then?

Obviously, he probably doesn't want to rehash this every time something makes me think of it, but he created this situation and let it go on for over a year, so how can he expect it to go away overnight all of a sudden just because he finally understood that this is a big deal and FINALLY did something about it?

How can I try to get past the way this makes me feel? Or should I?

[atskitty2]

So, help me understand a bit better.
The way I'm reading your message is that you two were just kind of talking but not in a relationship-he had another established relationship already and it took him a year to leave her and be with you?
Or were you "the other woman" for that first year? And only when you confronted him did he leave her?

Even with the first situation, quite honestly, this guy's honesty and integrity are a little questionable. I would proceed with caution...I think your gut is trying to warn you.

[Olympia]

Annapol,

Like atskitty2, more detailed information would be helpful. Also, you state "he is doing everything he can to clean up the mess"...? The mess between you and he, or you, he and the other gal...? What do you mean by clean up the mess...?
And, at the beginning, were you aware that he was seeing another while beinng with you?

In my opinion, he has held onto the other gal and you. (Cake and eat it too) The ease in which he has shown his dis-honesty should speak volumns!! I have experienced similar acts, and found..... He did it once and it was just as easy to do it again! And he did....that was what happened to me, your experience may be very different... please provide more detailed info...

[Annapol]

So, help me understand a bit better.
The way I'm reading your message is that you two were just kind of talking but not in a relationship-he had another established relationship already and it took him a year to leave her and be with you?
Or were you "the other woman" for that first year? And only when you confronted him did he leave her?

Even with the first situation, quite honestly, this guy's honesty and integrity are a little questionable. I would proceed with caution...I think your gut is trying to warn you.

No, he was "talking" to this girl and then WE started talking. From the beginning with me, he put forth that he was interested in a serious effort at a relationship with me. I didn't know he had been talking to her at all, but she would act kind of weird whenever she saw me. I asked him point blank what was up with that, with her, and he said oh no, just friends. One night I actually saw her rub up against him and he said, oh no, she was just drunk. They remained "friends" on (at least) Facebook and I kept saying what is UP with that and he would act clueless.

Meanwhile, he was always very devoted and respectful and mindful of our relationship being something serious. This other girl would sometimes show up at parties and would act surprised (and VERY disappointed) to see me. Again, I asked what was up. Again, no straight answer.

Finally, when it came down to this situation leading to other problems, and after she showed up the last time and acted really inappropriately I said ok, that's it, what's up and he finally told me. He admitted that he could see where he "may" have been leading her on a bit, but didn't admit to any inappropriate intentions.

His "cleaning up" is that he FINALLY spoke to her directly and told her to basically back off. But, it took over a year, and only occurred after I had made it clear that this was not acceptable or appropriate and that I had no problem leaving him to whatever or whoever.

He's been wonderful and I'm sure he's sincere about being with me, but I can't help but feel like this has tainted what should have been the sweet memories of a blossoming relationship (ours, not "theirs", right?) and made me feel like even though the relationship is great now, it's built on lies.

Like, he screwed up, got away with SOMEthing (not sure what) for over a year, and now he's like oops, so it's all good? It's like, should our anniversary be the day we started talking or the day he finally started trying to make things right? (in which case, we've only been together for a week...even though I know that he wouldn't have changed or become more open unless we'd had that year together)

So, anyway, I want to try to make a go of it, but not sure if I can (or should) reconcile the hurt with the lies with the trust with the otherwise incredible and wonderful aspects of the relationship.

[Annapol]

Plus the issue that it makes me kind of lose respect for him (because what a crappy thing to do to HER, too, and what kind of man would take advantage of someone as desperate as her) and if I can't respect him, how can I love him?

I WANT to trust him, I WANT to respect him, but I feel very hurt that he would proceed this way (with both me and this other woman). I don't rightly know how he can "clean" this up easily because it does speak to his character. I try to be understanding of where he's been coming from and where's he's been in his past, relationship-wise, but this is just crappy.

Please excuse the length, I'm just so torn...is he a decent guy who's been burned and is trying to learn how to be a better person, or is he just another douche-hole trying to get away with whatever he can?

[Pollon]

**************-hole.

"...He admitted that he could see where he "may" have been leading her on a bit, but didn't admit to any inappropriate intentions...."

He's parsing words and not taking responsibilty for his behavior so that he has an "out."

Be keeping her hooked, he kept himself an "out" if things didn't work out with you.

He is always looking for a way to keep his bases covered and his options open. That's not commitment or responsibility.

Does he always seem to have a plan B or an explanation to wiggle out of blame?

Now if you call him on it and he owns it, you might be able to salvage something. But don't hold you breath. He might just opt for her since she has hung on in spite of knowing you were in the picture.

[avgmale]

How long have you actually both been explicitly exclusive ? Its the first time I ever heard of an anniversary on the day you started talking. It looks like he didn't handle this very well but I really can't see the problem with them being facebook friends for a while/hanging out and I feel like you thought you might have had a relationship before you actually had one. Did he actually sleep with her or anything like this ? Males can like attention from time to time as well which can be a reason for such behavior.

[Trisha23]

if you love someone,just forgive and forget....but if you really can't trust him...let him go..it's not healthy to have a relationship without trust...

[Guest]

Annapol,

Without trust there is no relationship, only an illusion of one.

People fall into patterns of behavior. Their patterns of behavior are based upon what has been successful for them. If you can figure out a person's pattern of behavior, you can predict her/his actions.

Insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different outcome.

If you can't trust him now, probability is you'll never trust him. You gotta do what's right for you. I will write that I have learned the hard way to not throw a single good day after bad. When I know it isn't going to work, it's time for me to bow out.

Good luck...

[happygolucky90]

He led her on for a year? It sounds like he had doubts, and hasn't loved you enough to put faith into your relationship to depend on you. You take chances when it comes to love. I've been burned badly in the past... and it took a long time to move on enough to even want another relationship... when it came to that point, I was guarded... but I never had a back up during that time 'just in case'. I relied solely on that person and thought 'if I get hurt again, then I do... its a risk you take'.

He has lived a double life for over a year without you knowing, that is scary, and it probably won't be the only time that he lies/hides something from you again. Take it from someone who has been there.

Get out of this for a bit at least... Tell him he needs to learn how seriously damaging it is to do something like this, and even worse, lie and hide it. Give yourself some time away from him to think clearly about how you feel... if you feel like you can deal with it and move on or if you feel you deserve better. You can't think clear enough when you are continuing on like nothings happened. Thats what it sounds like he's trying to make you do, move on from it fast so you don't have time to think it over and realize that you deserve better