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Been with my bf for 6 years but attracted to another man... help

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  • Been with my bf for 6 years but attracted to another man... help

    So I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We are engaged and I honestly thought that I was happy and could never love someone as much as I love him.. recently I met a friend of a friend at an event and we hit it off immediately. He asked me out and when I told him I had a bf he was very apologetic but sweet saying things like 'I should have known a girl like you wouldn't be single' and he told me that I seem like his kind of girl and if I ever found my self single in the future that I should seek him out.

    And that was that, for a while. I told my bf about him and he was very upset. The other man is very attractive and I know my bf was jealous. He told me to think long and hard if I wanted to be with the other guy but he said he would always love me regardless. I deleted the other mans number and tried to get on with my life.

    The thing is, I literally haven't stopped thinking about this guy since I met him. I feel sooooo guilty having these feelings and the other day he messaged me again and said did I want to catch up. I was really scared to reply because I desperately want to see him and get to know him better because I feel like we have this connection. I said I would only catch up in a friendly/platonic kind of way and he said that was fine. I feel so terrible because I think I really like him but I don't know for sure... I feel like I need to see if we really do have a connection and if so I think I will have to break up with my bf. I don't want to cheat on him and we have always had this pact that if either of us was attracted to someone else we would tell the other so as not to hurt them more.

    But I don't want to hurt him, I have been with him since I was 18. He is 18 years my elder but the age difference has never really been a problem for me - more so for him. He has always been quite negative and has frequently said one day you will realise you want to see other people and leave me. And I'm really afraid that day might be coming soon. He has been my best friend for 6 years and I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to mislead him by pretending I don't like this other guy when I think I really do...

  • Hi Lauren,

    What you are experiencing is not un-usual.

    6 years is a long time to be with someone especially at 18 when you met him, kind of swept you off your feet yes...

    You are different age levels and more than likely there are things you would love to do that you haven't done, maybe your relationship has become a bit stale?

    When our relationships are based more on friendships and "someone" gives us a compliment, we so need, we start fantasizing about that person and I believe that this is the case here.

    His comments are stand of the line pick up. Chances are even if you left your now boyfriend, it would not work, he would get what he sought after or you would find it's a rebound and the whole thing would fail and then you would wonder why you did it and how can you make it up to your boyfriend.

    You both need to see what is missing in your lives and work at it.

    Are you looking for marriage kids?

    How about you tell us more about what you feel you are missing in your relationship.

    See if we can offer some thoughts from there.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • The unknown is very appealing. You see someone socially, they are interesting, attractive - and you don't see any of their flaws. Your mind fills in all the stranger's unknowns with what you wish they would be. They become a great lover, you go on romantic walks along the canals of Venice - or go to all night Techno clubs filled with pounding music - since you don't know what they like, you can imagine that they enjoy all the things that you think you would enjoy.

      It is possible that this other person really is better for you, but you can't tell. If you are happy with your boyfriend, don't feel like you are doing him some sort of favor by staying with him - that is slow poison. You are staying with him because you are happy, and that is rare enough in relationships that you shouldn't just give it up. OTOH if you are already unhappy with your boyfriend then you need to think about why - and fix it or leave .

      Comment


      • He made you feel good about yourself and he got into your head. I've been in that spot. I know what it is. The curiosity of wondering what a relationship with someone else would be like is very hard to resist. Just be careful not to ruin what you have for something that might be fleeting. His pick up line didn't sound genuine.

        Your projecting feelings onto him that you're not getting in your relationship. The fact that this little bit of attention has taken such a hold of you could indicate that there's something you need that is missing in your relationship. Thats the lesson you should take from this. If the time comes when you do find yourself single, then go ahead and explore this, but don't end what you have just for this.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by HisGirl View Post
          He made you feel good about yourself and he got into your head. I've been in that spot. I know what it is. The curiosity of wondering what a relationship with someone else would be like is very hard to resist. Just be careful not to ruin what you have for something that might be fleeting. His pick up line didn't sound genuine.

          Your projecting feelings onto him that you're not getting in your relationship. The fact that this little bit of attention has taken such a hold of you could indicate that there's something you need that is missing in your relationship. Thats the lesson you should take from this. If the time comes when you do find yourself single, then go ahead and explore this, but don't end what you have just for this.
          That's right! It's all in your head. The guy was a loser to begin with hitting on a woman who he KNOWS is taken. I've NEVER made a move on women that are seeing someone/are attached. There was one girl in particular who I would have loved to snatch from another dude, she seemed so sweet and down to earth, but no, policy is to not mess with other's people's people (lol)

          Forget that guy and work with your current guy to liven up your relationship! For a guy to hold on to a woman for 6 years nowadays is something rare. Sounds like a good dude.
          Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

          Comment


          • lauren,

            You should not feel guilty about your feelings. You have no control over whom you'll fall in love. My advice is to follow your heart.

            Women get themselves is unfortunate circumstances when their brains overrule their hearts. I can't tell you how many divorced women have told me that they were in miserable marriages and stuck with them because they deceived themselves into believing they were in love and their marriages were going to get better. From my experience, bad marriages only become worse.

            Best of luck.

            Comment


            • You certainly are in quite the bind and I can understand. Do you and your boyfriend share the same future dreams and goals, like family or jobs? If not... then don't feel so bad getting out of it. Life is short and a one time thing. No use in being with someone you are 'iffy' about or someone who is holding you back. 18 is a young age to settle down with one person, and expect to never meet someone you develop feelings for in the future. You change SO much over your late teens/early twenties. As I am sure you know. Your boyfriend is done changing, and has been for a long time now... he needs someone who is on that level, which is usually why that large of an age gap does ultimately cause issues.

              The fact that you are this intense about this other guy is a clear indicator you aren't satisfied with your relationship. Sure, everyone is human and at some point will have an attraction of some sort for someone else... but does it move to the direction of NEEDING to see this other person, keep in touch, so on? Generally not if you are happy with your spouse/significant other. There is going to be attractive people, and people that you feel you have a connection with... but it's easy to dispose of that and not act on it. Although you aren't cheating, you are acting on feelings by talking/seeing him, platonic or not. And to me, that's enough to take some time apart from your boyfriend to find yourself what it is you really want.

              I'm not saying to jump into things with this other guy at all, 6 years is a long time to just go start another relationship, strictly physical or serious and emotional. You need to take some time for you
              { Wit beyond measure is a lady's greatest treasure }

              Comment

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