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Living Together... or Not?

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  • Living Together... or Not?

    Hello. I have a situation and I just want some advice/insight on what it means and how to handle it.

    For starters, I'm 23 and he is 24. We've been together almost a year. Months ago, we were living four hours apart. I was unhappy in a small town full of old memories and dead ends, and he was in the city. I tried unsuccessfully to find a job in the city so I could move and restart my life. It was then that he offered to let me stay with him to get my feet on the ground. So I did, and we lived together for roughly five months without too many issues. Occasionally he wanted his own space and time, and I did my best to separate myself with the limited living space we had.
    About a month ago, I finally found a good job. I got an apartment and am stable on my own ( this is what he wanted for me the whole time). We still see each other several times a week, sleep over, and things are great.

    But here's the problem.
    I miss living together. If we shared a space like the one I have now, we'd have more than enough space to do our own thing and still be close.
    He, on the other hand, is happy living apart and talks about getting a better apartment with a guy friend of his. I find myself feeling hurt and jealous over it.

    What should I do? I still have a year lease where I am, but how do I handle this? Does it mean he's noncommittal?

  • I think you should give it time. It's still a relatively young relationship and maybe some steps were taken a little soon. Think of it as going back to pick up where you left off before you moved in so early.
    I don't think it necessarily means he is noncommittal, but maybe he just isn't ready for a more permanent cohabitation arrangement. Take it slow and see what happens.


    • It doesn't sound like he wants to make this relationship anymore serious. If you have long term future plans for the relationship I suggest you talk to him about it. You may not be on the same page. Five months of living together is plenty of time to decide commitment level.


      • Originally posted by kira View Post
        It doesn't sound like he wants to make this relationship anymore serious. If you have long term future plans for the relationship I suggest you talk to him about it. You may not be on the same page. Five months of living together is plenty of time to decide commitment level.
        I don't necessarily see it that way. Each person takes their time with a relationship. At 24, I would never in a million years would have moved in with somebody. You guys are early in the relationship and also very young. He probably wants to still enjoy living single. I know I did at that age. Living together might have just showed him that he really isn't ready to share his life with somebody. It really is a big step. He may love you. He may even be the one and a few years down the road, you guys may end up getting married. He just isn't ready for it now.

        However, it seems you are ready for that step. You can either take it slow and see where the relationship goes or move on. I don't think a 1 year old relationship when you guys are so young is something that requires that level of commitment yet.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


        • I'm with sp346. You are too young to be thinking commitments yet. Having your own places--even if you spend every night together-- gives you a better perspective from which to evaluate, build and, if needed, end the relationship. When you co-mingle your lives before you are ready to commit, you introduce a lot of extraneous factors into your relationship decisions that hinder your ability to make GOOD relationship decisions.

          For example, let's suppose that while living together you have a serious argument about an important area of the relationship--one that could potentially be a deal breaker. As you weigh out whether the relationship should continue, you have to consider where you are going to live, who is going to get the dog, who is going to put their name on the utility bills, etc. etc. etc.

          Relationship "momentum" is all that extra stuff that couples accumulate along the way and sometimes carry the relationship forward when it really ought to end. LOTS of co-habitating couples end up in counseling or lawyer offices with two kids, a mortgage and a bucketload of painful memories saying things like "I knew it wasn't right, but one thing led to another and here we are."

          That is relationship momentum carrying a bad relationship forward.

          Until you are BOTH mature enough and committed enough to make the decision to make a long-term commitment, keep your relationship as pure and unencumbered as possible. That means no kids, no financial dealings, no living together.

          Spend the next year getting to know each other better and determining if he is really the man you want to spend your life with. And if he is, do everything you can to BE the woman he would want to spend his life with. Then he will be ready to make a real commitment to you.

          Good luck


          • He just isn't ready for it now.

            However, it seems you are ready for that step.
            That's my point. He doesn't sound ready for the level she sounds ready for. Which is why I suggested talking it out and it might be best to move on to someone who is ready for the same level. Some people are ready to live with someone quite early even if they don't get married. I was living with someone when I was 18 for 3 years before breaking up and moving in to my own house for 2 years. After a few casual relationships I met my now husband. He moved in with me and within 5 months we were married. That was 4 years ago. My sister hasn't been alone since she moved out of my mom's house. She always has a boyfriend and sometimes a boyfriend and roommate living with her. 24 is definitely not too young. It just depends on the person. She flat out said she likes living with someone.


            • Either way I think I'm going to wait it out and see what happens. I just don't want to be waiting forever. I do think it's a good idea to get to know each other better, but at the same time I don't know what to do with these negative feelings whenever he mentions the "awesome man-cave of an apartment" he wants with his friend.


              • To deal with feelings you first have to name them. "Hurt" tells you little. Try to name all the feelings that come to mine when you think about him in his new place with his buddy.

                Here are a few to consider.

                Envious--that he has someone to hang with
                Lonely--that I don't have a roommate
                Excluded--from their fun
                Rejected--that he didn't want to do that with me
                Impatient--that I have to wait to live with him again and move the relationship (and my life) forward
                Anxious--that he will find someone else when he is away from me
                Scared--that he doesn't want to live with me again


                • I think you did a better job than I could have.


                  • You have to own the ones that fit. And for each one there may be some remedy that you can do on your own or get him to address.



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