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unhappy in a long distance relationship, and now I have an crush on someone else....

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  • unhappy in a long distance relationship, and now I have an crush on someone else....

    I never wanted to be in a LDR, but then I met my bf (we'll call him BF) as a senior in college nearly 2 years ago. He was only a Jr. at the time, so the dreaded LDR inevitably followed. Surprisingly, we made it work ok for about a year, but when this summer came around and he graduated, it became more and more apparent to me that the LDR setup is just not working for me. My problem is that, though I do love BF, I feel like I'm torturing myself when I go to see him, and then have to say good bye. The pain of leaving him over and over has been wearing on me for a very long time, but over the past 3 months or so, it has really been getting to me. We can't afford to move in together because one of us would need to give up our jobs and live either in an expensive Boston suburb area or expensive NY metro area, or else both give up our jobs and move somewhere altogether new (again, not a financially viable option). We're both having trouble figuring out "what we want to do with our lives" as recent college grads, and so we don't really have a plan or a timeline for when we could live even in the same state. Thus the constant emotional pain of separation. Being in this constant back and forth situation has caused me to feel unlike myself when we're together - I'm weepy and overly emotional and clingy, I get really easily upset and hurt. I used to be happy and confident and independent, and I just don't really feel that way anymore when we're together because I'm just so often so sad about having to leave again etc.

    SO that's the main problem. The second piece is that I recently met this guy who works with me sometimes. I find him attractive, he's nice, we have things in common, etc. I have a crush. I am the type of girl who gets really into new guys/friends/etc, so I'm not taking this crush seriously. I don't even think I'd date him if I had the chance, because I don't really know him that well and have no idea if I'd actually really like him as a person. The problem is that I think maybe the reason I'm suddenly finding so many of my coworkers and friends attractive, and actually having a crush on someone else, is that I'm just really unhappy in my current relationship situation. Having a crush obviously heightens my awareness of how unhappy I am, but it might also be misleading me. It's hard to tell.

    I've thought about asking BF to go on a break for a few months to get my sanity back, and then meet up and see where we are/if we still love each other/ if we could find a way to make it work better, but I know that asking to "go on a break" is basically like breaking up and then crossing your fingers and hoping that maybe you can get back together. I might be making a huge mistake if I let him go, or I might be saving myself from further emotional heartache. I just don't know. Has anyone ever been in this situation/have LDR advice to share? I'm just so very tired of the endlessly arduous LDR scene.

  • LDRs take work. Not everyone can make one work. They are definitely not for everyone. Are you both feeling the strain, or is it mainly you?

    If you want to compromise about who will move, get together and come to an agreement about who's job will be the easiest to get in the other one's location. Probably neither one of you two want to be dependent on the other for a while when searching for a job. Maybe both of you can go to job fairs is the other one's city to test the waters.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • I think, love is a very strong word.

      We fall in lust and then we form a relationship, we want it to work because we have a "boyfriend" and it feels good be loved.

      But, not everything is compatible sometimes and we can find that situations aren't what we want.

      The fact that you both don't know what you want to be, is a key factor here as you can't really work out a future, where you will live, how you will both compromise, to make it happen.

      I think that is your first "key" to consider.

      Having a "crush" is in my opinion, because you spend so many nights alone. No dates. Waiting for the next meet. It's very hard...

      The crush is wanting "more" just like a normal relationship.

      You have to honestly ask yourself if you are in love or in love with the idea of being in love...


      • Honey, you have answered this yourself. It's not working for you.

        When a relationship takes a happy, independant, chipper person... and changes them into something negative... it is not a good relationship. While he may be a good person, if you are not happy most of the time... it's time to get out of the relationship.

        Some people can deal with long distance, and some can't. I am someone who can't. I need a physical relationship with someone more than just talking or seeing someone once every two weeks-2 months... I feel like it's wasting my time when I could be happy with someone HERE. It's different if you have a time frame of when this distance will no longer be an issue, but you've made it kind of clear that there's no end in sight for that... unless one of you or both make major changes/sacrifices... do YOU love him enough to do that? Does he love you enough to do that? That is something that you both HAVE to be honest about with each other. If it's just a 'meh, we'll see' then it's time to let each other go and live your own lives. A similar situation happened to me, and I am actually glad it didn't work out. It hurt to end at first, but it didn't take as long to get over as I thought, and I ended up meeting the love of my life!

        Do I think you should go after this guy at work? No, not right away at least. Give yourself some time between relationships, it's wonderful on the soul and it allows you to really get to know him and/or other people.
        { Wit beyond measure is a lady's greatest treasure }



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