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boyfriend+porn=broken girlfriend

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  • boyfriend+porn=broken girlfriend

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months, and he is truly an incredible man.We've had our ups and downs, but I honestly think we met for a reason...
    So last week he sat me down and told me that he has an addiction to porn..He told me its not because he doesn't find me attractive, or that I'm not good enough..He found a sight online for people trying to overcome porn addiction, and he joined.He even gave me his phone to set a password for a safe-browser so he couldn't look at anything dirty. I forgave him and told him that we could get through this..Tomorrow would have been his 7 day mark with no porn or masturbation..But today at work, dirty stuff popped up on his computer and he gave in..I literally didn't know what to say to him.I feel so horrible, I feel like I need to cry but I can't even cry.I feel like I'm NOT good enough.Not pretty enough.Don't have big enough boobs.A nice enough butt.I don't know..Im so depressed.I feel like I've been cheated on.How can he look at NAKED pictures of OTHER girls and that turns him on?He might as well just go have sex with other girls..That's what I feel like.

    If you have any advise, please help me.At least give me an idea of how I'm supposed to feel right now.i had a bf cheat in me before and I broke up with him on the spot.But this guy hasn't PHYSICALLY cheated on me.It just feels like he has..

  • Addition to porn is very much like other addictions. It is self-medication against unpleasant feelings. Those feelings can be as serious as depression and as minor as boredom.

    Given the nature of the chosen medication, however, it is obviously difficult for the romantic partner not to take it personally and/or to have a very gut wrenching reaction--including revulsion.

    While he is serious that it's not about his attraction or love for you, it does affect it just as an addition to drugs or alcohol would.

    The question for you is, whether or not you want to continue a relationship with an addict? If he came to you and told you he was addicted to cocaine how would you respond?

    Comment


    • Rest assured his fascination with porn has nothing to do with your beauty or personality. Men have been fascinated with porn since the first drawings went up on the cave wall (open up any archaeology book and you'll find a variety of sex gods/objects). You could look exactly like the girls in the porn scenes and do exactly what they do and he would still watch porn. The truth is men are hardwired to seek variety. Porn makes this easy for men without physically cheating on their lover. Of course if this is upsetting to you, you'll have to try and ween him off it (which means you'll have to watch it with him for a while, mimic some blow jobs and hand jobs from the scenes and then slowly coax him back to your vagina without porn). If you really do find him incredible then you should at least try and help him.

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      • He realizes that he is addicted which is a good sign. If he really is incredible, then it might be worth waiting to see if he can fix this. Has he tried seeing an actual therapist?

        His interest / addiction to porn has nothing to do with you or any thing you are or are not doing. If he has gone 7 days without porn, he isn't in too bad shape.

        btw, it is reasonable to ask him to now watch porn, but not to stop masturbating - unless you are always willing to satisfy him. The great majority of men, (and most women) masturbate regularly if their partners are not available.

        Comment


        • Dear 18 Going On Broken,

          I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. I can understand what you are going through since I am facing a similar situation.

          I'm not too sure if I have any great advice here, but for what its worth I can tell you this....

          This is in no way, shape or form about you or your looks. I know that it can be difficult at times, but you should never let anyone put you down about your looks. Every woman is beautiful in their own way, you just need to find the right person to appreciate that beauty.

          I am in the adult industry. I have modeled for magazines and sell webcam shows, and let me tell you, the grass is not greener on the other side. I consider myself attractive, have large breasts, am supposed to be one of these "fantasy women", yet my boyfriend masturbates more than he has sex with me. (Some great fantasy I am!) I am beginning to find this job ironic and completely hysterical. I have recently posted on this forum myself. My post can be found here, in case you want to compare or maybe have a laugh https://www.womens-health.com/boards...-initiate.html

          There are some good signs here. The most important one being that he is very open and honest with you about this. He is including you in the process, admitting that he has a problem and making some sort of effort to change.

          Also, once every 7 days doesn't sound that bad. I believe that occassional masturbation is healthy. You can't stop him from masturbating to porn forever, but you should always come first. It sounds to me like that is what he is trying to do, put you first. My boyfriend is going insane and jacking off all over the place, so believe me, you are doing better than an actual pornstar. True story.

          The most important thing is that you put yourself first. Your happiness should come first. I am reaching the point with my boyfriend where I was happier and feeling better about myself when I was alone. I have had the last serious talk with him about this. If something doesn't change in 2 weeks, I am out.

          You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to be with someone that makes you feel like YOU are their fantasy woman. Like YOU are the most beautiful and special woman in the world. I wish you the best of luck.

          Comment


          • He has had a problem with drugs in the past but we got through that and he has now completely stopped.I do want to continue this relationship-addiction or not.He's trying to change, for himself and for me so that we can be together without having HUGE underlying issues in the future.And I'm proud of him for that.

            Comment


            • I am trying to help him also..I know it's worth it to go through this together, it was worth it when he got over the drugs and it'll be worth it after this.No, he hasn't seen a therapist.He doesn't want to masturbate bc he "can't do one without it leading to the other".
              As for me copying porn..Firstly, I am not going to change the way we have sex to recreate something I'm not.The way we have sex right now is crazy, and it's US.We have sex 3 or 4 times a week (not counting the days we do it more than once) and we are pretty kinky..So it's not like he's not getting any, if you know what I mean.

              In the short time we have been together we have been through a lot..
              I have a really painful disease and he has been my support through it all, even when we thought I might not be able to have kids..He had been doing drugs, got caught and now is completely clean, and I supported him through that.
              My grandma is dying and he keeps on supporting me through it.

              He is so worth it..And I'm going to be here every step of the way for him.Thank you guys <3

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              • Also..

                We may be kinky but not 24/7..We usually have crazy sex and then when he orgasms we stop and cuddle..Then we have sex again, but intimately..He holds me, we wrap our arms around each other, he even puts his hands under my head when he's on top.We tell each other we love each other and he tells me I'm beautiful..We have the sweetest sex ever..He makes me so happy..

                I guess I'm just wondering what is lacking in the sex department...

                Comment


                • Why can't I get a girl like you? lmao

                  As a guy I can't wrap my mind around the porn thing. I've used it practically throughout all my 20's. Once I was actually with a real live woman who was enjoying it with me I didn't need it again.

                  I'm not currently sexually active anymore, but even now my desire for porn grew even less than it used to be.

                  I don't think men prefer porn over real women because the porn women are "hotter". Sure most porn stars are "hot" by textbook definition, but I think most men agree that the feeling of artificiality in most porn starts is off putting. It doesn't look normal for women to have huge lips, massive knockers that point straight up no matter what position the woman is in, and a butt that looks like it's made out of DuPont Kevlar, or some other polymer composite, that looks like it has no bend to it.

                  I think what hooks men is certain "queues" of what happens in porn. For me in particular, almost all porn is dreadfully boring and formulaic to me, but some of that amateurish stuff where women are using vibes on their clits is a trigger for me. The woman could be any race, colour, or shape, and I will still be aroused by those specific scenes.

                  I know other men have their own "queues" that trigger arousal for them. Ask your guy and find out what it is for him.

                  BTW there's whole sites dedicated to "no porn no fapping" on the web, men that are sick and tired of not being able to enjoy sex with their women. Your man should really look into those.
                  Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

                  Comment


                  • Haha well..We started out as best friends, then friends with benefits and then fell for each other, and now were in an amazing relationship..We didn't even want a relationship when this started out.So it's been pretty nice

                    See I can't even bring myself to ask his "queues" though..I already have a hard enough time knowing he's looking at this stuff, WITHOUT knowing details.

                    He is on one, that's how this all got brought out in the open.Thank you!

                    Comment


                    • 18 going on broken.. I understand how you feel.

                      It gets a bit easier with time. I have had the same issue. And every word you wrote is exactly how i felt when i found out about my bf's problem. The thing is i never found out my bf was obsessed with it until 2 YEARS later! A typo i did in the internet browser showed me porn sites, which eventually he confessed. It wasn't easy. I wouldn't let him near me, almost broke up with him,... and he is literally my best friend, we are closer then close. I never dealt with this issue before him and i was torn. The next day i searched his history whilst at work (i trusted him so much i never ever looked)..he had been looking at porn almost every single day we had been dating!! ....The worst was finding out that the day i got dressed up ready to see him when he came back after his tour (music) he picked me up, took me to his and said he needed the loo. He normally takes his laptop with him anyway..but he confessed to me that day i found his porn that on that day he came home whilst i was sat in the front room waiting for him to finish on the loo he was actually masturbating to one of his favourite porn stars!! I WAS SO ANGRY.. I HATED HIM FOR IT!!...

                      (We had only recently began to get more sexually adventerous and just got into porn a little now and then...and then i found out he had been doing it ALL the time i had been with him without me knowing, it felt like he cheated me into watching it so he can get the pleasure too without the guilt or the worry that i would hate him for it or something...)

                      For a whole year i struggled with forgiving him. I banned him from porn for 2 weeks, in which he didnt break, he had actually cried saying he didnt want to lose me. (Surprising to be honest, when my bf is deffo not the emotional type). In the end i was stuck between shall i let him watch it because he needs a life of his own outside of the relationship, or shall i make him stop to save our relationship, should i let him watch it because "thats what men do" or shall i just split up with him because it is easier....

                      This couldnt of come at a worser time as weeks later my dad had a heart attack. he survived but it half put things into perspective but also half made me want to not take any messing around.

                      In the first few months, he pretty much stopped looking at it, or was very good at deleting history. tbh i didnt care to much as i was more concerned about dad. Eventually after a lot of depression, worry, low self-esteem etc we came to some ground rules.

                      first of all, he could look at it but not when i am around, if he is talking to me online, or ringing me. We needed to build trust again. I first asked him to delete his internet history so i wont go on it and get hurt, but eventually i asked him to keep it up, i wanted to half keep track of what he was doing (well, did say he had a porn addiction...not sure what truth is in that but he had promised to cut down). Eventually when he was out of the house i began to look at porn, tried to get an understanding of it all, and i could see what he saw but i still found it disrespecting. After half of a year struggling with it i managed to pluck up the courage to watch porn with him again. At first i kept picking at every porn girl that came on, comparing myself to them, well im a 13st, 5ft5 girl with tubby legs and a bit of tum/... i felt horrible compared to her. But i braced myself through it. After a few more times watching porn with him, i found myself getting turned on... we had great sex..surprisingly!... the thing is is when im not horny etc i am sickened by porn, i cant look at it but when its in the heat of the moment with the one you love it can become surprisingly passionate and racy.

                      I wanted to feel and make things more better in our relationship sexually, i got competitive with the girls on the screen... i took a leap and brought a vibrator, and god thats accelerated our sex life... i learnt more about me and my body, we used it whilst having sex and both of us was turned on. The reason i brought was to show my boyfriend i could be "sexy" or "better then them".. and he loves it.

                      Of course it doesnt mean we don't have flare ups and arguing. only a few days ago we argued.

                      The last few days we talked about it in depth after i had a meltdown.

                      These are our rules we stick by:

                      ****Don't watch porn when your communicating with your girlfriend in anyway eg online or behind her back when you are in the same building, its disrespectful
                      ****The BF can watch porn but no more then two days a week, the days must not be in a row (makes GF feel replaced)
                      ****Can watch porn together if both of you are up to it
                      ****NEVER watch porn after an arguement, especially when you both haven't made up after it, as it feels like either one of you is doing it out of spite
                      ****No porn themed wallpapers/screensavers/mobile phone apps etc. This is something we havent had a problem with but by us not having these has made it easier for both of us

                      These rules may help you if you want to follow them.

                      I know you will feel self-conscious, low self-esteem, worried... its all part of the process, BUT think about it... YOUR boyfriend will not still be with you if he wanted something else, if he didn't love you.

                      You can come out of this as tough as nails. You don't need to break up over something thats just an image or video, someone you don't know. I am proof you can go through a rough time in your life not knowing if you will be okay at the end of it and still be standing, still be together..my proof is that me and my boyfriend are reaching our 4th year together and still more in love then ever. Just be open about things, its hard, its embarassing, a lil awkward and frustrating..and maybe after one talk it may not be solved..but after many little talks that you two do together you will finally begin to understand each others feelings and opinions, have mutual respect and be able to stick to rules and learn from mistakes and problems... YOU guys will be stronger then ever!! I promise!!

                      I hope this helps, and sorry it's long.

                      P.S investigate sex toys too if you haven't already, i may of been a bit of a prude, was a bit embarassed, but trust me it can spice things up so much it even takes worries away haha

                      Comment


                      • To me the most important rule for porn is to never watch in instead of being intimate with your partner. Its OK to watch when your partner isn't available, and its ok to watch with your partner. On thinking about it, I guess I'd say the same about masturbation.

                        Personally I consider anonymous porn very different from any sort of personal / webcam interaction with a real person. To me that is more like cheating, while porn is more like using a sex toy.

                        Comment


                        • I can assure you that 90% of men masturbate at least 3-4 a week, watching free porn of course. Why would you feel cheated on, it's just man's nature to look at breasts, great butts, etc - this means he is sexually healthy, not that he "mentally" cheated on you.

                          Good luck!

                          Comment


                          • I am sorry you feel this way...honestly i think there is nothing wrong with porn so many woman feel threatened by porn..I love it I watch it with my man and did I mention how much I love PORN!!! I think honestly woman and men both have been told so long especially as children that sex is dirty and so many issues we grow up with surrounding sex..while yes some sexual ideas are wrong..like incest and rape and molesting children...I think we need to change our view on sex as a culture..it doesn't need to splashed on every commercial however it also shouldnt' be treated as dirty either...porn for me has opened up my mind and I realized alot of fantasies that I want to try because of porn..I am learning what I like what turns me on what doesn't..anyway..sorry you feel this way maybe you should try and watch it with him..find out why he enjoys porn instead of judging him and feeling hurt

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