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Engaged, but I'm not sure...

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  • Engaged, but I'm not sure...

    So my boyfriend proposed to me a few weeks back. We hadn't really talked about it, and I was not expecting it at all, and kind of put on the spot I said yes. Just the fact that I really wasn't sure at all makes me think maybe I should have said no. I didn't feel elated like I felt like I should have, I even felt anxious and a little depressed.

    We've been up and down lately, some days are good, some are bad. Today was bad. I've been getting up for work at 6:30am while he'll sleep in for another 1-2 hours. Then the minute weekend hits, he's up at 7 to go surfing, when I really just wanted to lie in bed and cuddle for a bit. Then a few other little things happened, that just left me feeling so miserable and neglected, and I ended up withdrawing into my shell to wallow in my misery. He came home, and did some work then left again to go fishing. He asked if I wanted to come, which I didn't, but I didn't really want him to go either. So we didn't really have a fight, I was just closing up and then he said, "I feel sick because you don't love me any more." And then just left.

    I feel awful but I don't know even know, maybe I don't love him? I just don't know because he can be so sweet and caring, and our sex life is good I think, and I can't imagine leaving him, I want to be with him. I know I'm having a real low today so everything seems worse, but I feel like I'm just making his life miserable and he'd be happier without me. Should I call off the engagement?

  • It sounds like your engagement was a bit premature. I hope the date that you two have set for marriage is a ways in the future. You two have to work on compatibility in the mean time.

    You didn't elaborate on what he does for work and the hours that he works, nor the same for you. Are there additional inequalities between the jobs? I get up at 5:30am to go to work on most days which is before my wife, so I understand it is annoying but I know that I have to live with it. It's just what our jobs require. Not having exactly the same schedule is something you will have to learn to live with in most cases.

    Surfers are a special group of guys. The surfing is addicting and they will go to great length to surf at good times. Early morning is the best time of day because the waves are better formed than later in the day. Some surf for an hour before work every day if there are OK waves. I would think that there was something about a surfer's personality that attracted you to him. Do you really want to change that? Guys generally don't change. Can you live with this?

    As for the cuddling, you probably are partially awake by 6:30am on the weekends. Try to see if he can wake up at that time to cuddle. Have you asked him if he could?

    Also, have you never went fishing with him or just not this time? Is this symptomatic of other things that you two don't do together? The friendship part of a relationship relatively requires doing things together to nurture that friendship. What do the two of you do together?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • I think your relationship needs some serious examination, preferably with a counselor or pastor's unbiased input, prior to wedding arrangements.
      These could be issues as simple as just needing to refocus and reorganize your habits to keep the fire lit, or could be a bigger problem to be dealt with.
      Good luck.

      Comment


      • I realise the quirks that come with surfers, and yes, it was attractive. I went into the relationship knowing that there'd be times surfing would come first for him, and for the most part I've been understanding and in general has not caused problems between us. The thing is I also surfed, not as frequently or with as much passion , but I did love it. Unfortunately I had a bad experience one time and began having panic attacks, and then that caused more fear which made it more likely for me to have a panic attack which made me more scared until now when I barely can summon the courage to paddle out even when the waves are small. While he understands because he went through a similar situation, he's also said things like I'll never understand him if I don't surf, and how will we connect and stuff like that. And when I let the fear get the better I get disappointed and angry and frustrated with myself, and I guess there's some jealousy when he goes surfing because I think he's having fun and I'm not.

        I go fishing with him heaps, the main difference I think is that he'd probably be happy if all he could do was surf and fish every day, whereas I get bored quickly and like variety and trying new things. We also like gardening and are putting in a garden together, and often cook tea together. I guess the surfing thing is the main thing though and it would obviously be better if I could get over my fear and enjoy it again.

        As for work, I work 7 - 5 and he's meant to work 8 - 5 but often doesn't start work until 9, sometimes later. He's got a cruisy work place so its not a big deal, it just annoys me a bit, like he takes surfing more seriously than his responsibilities.

        We haven't set a date yet, and I'm going to see a counselor for some of my own issues so I'll see what happens with that. Thanks for your thoughts, I don't want to give up on this relationship and I feel more positive when I'm not depressed about other things.

        Comment


        • Maybe you can find a self help group that would help you get over your fears. You did not say that you were afraid of swimming, so I take it being in the water is not a problem. Just something to do with surfing.

          I used to body surf (I never got the hang of the balance on a board, but then I never was on a board that would float me right) and have been pounded into the bottom, got bloody on the front, been trapped down for a little bit, got hit with the lip, etc. Fortunately I never was solidly head planted. When surfing you would go after bigger waves and with bigger waves comes more energy. What were the circumstances, if you are willing to elaborate?

          Hopefully the counselor will have some exercises that help you lessen your fear. Good luck.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • It was a biggish day and horrible conditions lol, I went out with the guys after work, and this was when I was so keen I'd go out in anything. All that happened was that I went to go under a wave, and I didn't take much of a breath as I was expecting to pop up pretty quick, but I got caught in the wave and rolled around and I think I went pretty deep because I seemed to be scrambling to the surface for ages, and I remember thinking I can't hold my breath anymore, only I had to, and when I finally popped up (it actually was probably not that long at all, but it felt like forever) I was coughing up sea water and my throat was burning. I actually went to keep paddling out at first, but then changed my mind and paddled in. It shook me up quite a bit, but it didn't immediately affect me, and it was only some time later that I connected my panic attacks to that event.

            Now, I tend to get an attack when caught inside and I have to duck under a few waves, even if I get under them fine, it'll still be enough to start them. Its like the rush of water over my head literally takes my breath away, and I'll come up with a gasp. Sometimes I can control it by breathing deeply, but by then the fear starts to creep in anyway.

            Its funny, as I've also had plenty of other injuries from surfing including cuts and scrapes, being hit in the head with my surfboard, countless bruises, worst one I snapped a fin on my thigh. That takes a bit of force! But none of the physical injuries have affected my confidence at all, I'm just afraid of going under waves lol, so frustrating! Thanks for your input anyway, I appreciate it!

            Comment


            • I think your issues can be worked out, but both of you need to be open to listening to each other's needs and working on some middle ground.
              Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

              Comment


              • I think you truly need a psychologist to work on exercises to lessen your reaction to being under water. You must realize that rationally there isn't a problem being under water but being trapped down without enough air is the problem. Your subconscious isn't making that distinction so it is like having a phobia.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • Hmm, this reminds me of something that happened to me 8 years ago.

                  I was swimming at my old Gym's swimming pool on the deep end. I was in the middle when I was suddenly too tired to keep my head up, so down I went and I couldn't go up. My first instinct was to panic, but my logic kicked in and I rationalized that, all I had to do was swim underwater until I can reach the bar to pull myself up. So I put the fear out of my mind, and started swimming towards the bar, and was able to make it and pull my head out of the water.

                  Scary experience for sure, but I was able to calm my fear enough to think of a way out of it.
                  Pigeonholer extraordinaire!

                  Comment


                  • When my ex (husband, yeah, need I finish this post?) proposed to me, it was the same exact thing. My first reaction was, "WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!" out of pure panic. I knew if I said no, he'd assume I just didn't want to be with him, period, which was not the case.
                    In my opinion, I think calling off the engagement might just be a knife to the gut--I'd say you should just be CLEAR that you want to be engaged for a LONG TIME and do not wavier from that (like I did. Ultimately I got married to make him happy, because I love him and he's still my best friend. Obviously not entirely right, but my heart was in the right place.).

                    Comment


                    • Yeah, I get what you mean. I did feel like I should WANT to marry him, like really want to, but I really haven't got very excited about it. I have toyed with the idea of breaking it off, but I know it would absolutely crush him... not the best reason for making that decision, but at the same time I don't want to leave him so it seems like causing heartache for no reason. I'm getting a bit of pressure from family to set a date, so that is a little stressful but will have a long engagement also partly due to the fact he doesn't seem to be in a hurry either. Which sometimes makes me wonder if he proposed to make me happy which would be sweet, but I think it makes it harder for me to feel sure as I don't know if he's 100% sure either.

                      Comment


                      • Kinda sounds like my marriage only reversed. During the weekdays he gets up at 8 and I get up at 10. Then on the weekend i'm up at 9 wanting breakfast and to get stuff done while he wants to sleep till noon and lay around in bed. Thus the reason I'm hanging out on the internet till at least 11 before I bother him.

                        Comment

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