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Please help me thru this

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  • Please help me thru this

    I'm 38 years old, divorced for 5 years and have 2 kids. Every single relationship I've had since I was 17, I've OBSESSED and worried over my current boyfriend's ex. I don't stalk them or try to find info on them (although I do go through the boyfriends house to erradicate any trace of the ex and in doing that I find stuff that hurts and throw it out). It's more that I just hate that they had a past. Stupid, right? I had a past! I've loved before! My boyfriend now met someone 5 years ago. She moved in, then moved out a year or two later. Never engaged. They then had an on again off again relationship. He says she was crazy..alwas freaking out and fighting with him, silent treatment etc. So they broke up last January and didn't speak until September when he cAlled for her birthday. She thought the call was to ask her to come back and he said no, he couldn't go back to that relationship. She was mad and sAid he really messed her up by calling and he now knows it was a mistake to call her. I met him 4 days later. They don't speak. He has her number blocked (I asked him to thinking that might help me). He says he doesn't like her, in fact hates her. So what the heck is wrong with me?? Obviously if he wanted her back he would have done it in September! I know this is wrong, I know that I'm being crazy. I know I will ruin us if I keep this up. I know I am torturing myself! I think about her all day every day (I've seen pictures of her and cards they gave each other that were long forgotten about). It is KILLING ME. To the point where I think I should leave even though the relationship is perfect so far. By far the best one EVER. But, like I said, I've been like this with every boyfriend, so aside from being single, I don't know what to do. Please, someone tell me something that will hit home and make me stop this nonsense!!
    Think I had better post this on the mental health board too. Because obviously I'm insane.

  • Best to just post on one board so that all the discussion is in one place.
    Almost everyone at your age has a past - in fact I'd be more concerned about someone in their 30s who had never had a relationship, never fallen in love (it could happen, but to me it would be a warning sign).

    It is not unusual for people to stay in touch with exs's. Despite being married, I am in occasional contact with a long-ago ex on facebook. Nothing improper, but she was someone I cared about and who is now a friend. There is no need for a romantic relationship to end in hatred - sometimes people discover that they are just not right for each other and go their own ways with no hard feelings. (as was the case for me). People may have happy memories about an ex (I do), we enjoyed our time together. I think that contact with an ex only becomes a problem when it turns to the sort of flirting that might re-kindle an old relationship.

    In a nutshell: Your boyfriend is with YOU now, that is his choice. If he had prefered his ex, he would have stayed with her. Maybe he hates her, maybe he still has some positive feelings about her - that is fine, it is not harming you in any way.

    Maybe its me, but I would much rather believe that the person I'm with prefers me to anyone else, than to think that somehow they need to cut off all other contact because they might want someone else.

    To me the key here is that you think that your own thoughts don't make sense. My feeling is that if someone cannot control their own thoughts or actions ,this is an indication that therapy might make sense. Of course I don't know you or the situation you are in, all I have to go on is that paragraph you wrote, so please don't be offended by the suggestion.


    • Thanks Corey, I'll reply also with my thoughts to see if others that have missed this post can offer their thoughts as well.

      Abandonment . The fear of it. It happens all the time and it’s labelled “insecurity”.

      I know that sounds simple right? It’s not. To get past that point, to just be you, to not care if someone does wrong by you, if they do you simply walk and know you are worth more. But, that is the reality of it all.

      Your boyfriend to me, appears to like girls that are not easy to control, the other way around, it’s a vicious cycle, because no one is happy.. Yet, the slight rejection is what keeps them there, see how it is? Your boyfriend is the same as you, you both need to learn to love yourselves, and then each other.


      • Bumping for other readers replies.


        • Originally posted by rcoreyus
          I think that contact with an ex only becomes a problem when it turns to the sort of flirting that might re-kindle an old relationship.
          I'm friends with all my exes (I pretty much make it happen - no bad breakups on my watch), but it's at arm's length. My main problem is desire, mainly with ex GFs - sometimes when you put two people in a room together who want each other (and my desire never really goes away), crazy things can happen lol. So it's best to avoid the trappings, assuming it's not what either really wants, the lust of the moment aside. So I'm friendly with them all, but I don't open the door for our instincts to take over again.

          To the OP, having read your post a couple times over, it sounds to me like nothing any of us say here is gonna convince you of anything in a meaningful way. I don't really know what to tell you ....if you can't find it in you to let that stuff go, it may be best to go it solo until you can figure things out.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]



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