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Needing help with a semi-serious situation

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  • Needing help with a semi-serious situation

    Hello everyone, I'm new to this...so I don't know quite what to expect with these forums.
    For some time now me and my boyfriend of two years have been going down a slippery slope, and tonight was basically the last straw for me where I've become so hopeless as to what to do that I have resulted into this. Normally I don't do this stuff so we'll see how it goes...

    Some background information...like I said previously, I've been with this amazing guy for two years. He's sweet, the family adore him, he makes me laugh and does all the things a decent boyfriend would do. When it comes to creativity (such as the amazing posts you see on Pinterest and so on) he lacks, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him any less. After being in a terrible, abusive relationship before him, he was basically my Prince Charming coming in to save the day. I had just moved away from England and away from that abusive boyfriend all the way to California (yeah it was that bad) and so he changed my life for the better and I am in many ways grateful for him.

    Now to the complicated part. Recently we have been separated to university, me staying close to home whilst he went out around 2 hours away or so. Normally, any girlfriend would be semi-okay with this, but when this university is surrounded by a ratio of 25-1 girls, it gets a little hectic. We've fought and argued plenty of times, but he seems reluctant to leave his party school to come home, so the tension is rising. His parents recently both moved away to different states (they are divorced) and he feels isolated and angry. I have done everything in my power to keep him happy, from trips to see him, gifts, letters, any cute thing a girl could do for their man. And whilst he appreciates it...he soon forgets about it and dives back into the negative trip to hell.

    Recently, things have gotten so bad between us that he is now constantly assuming the worst in me. Whilst I keep myself to myself and limit myself with social media and socializing, he still believes that I am up to no good and will constantly criticize me until I have no choice but to strongly defend myself. This results in more fighting...and more fake apologies and broken promises.

    There has been plenty of times where I have given up on him despite my love for him (he really is a great person...he never has treated me wrong apart from the accusations) and each time that I have tried...he has shown me the worst side of himself that it leaves me frightened and scared to leave him.
    He clearly has some sort of anger issues and takes it out on himself by hitting himself in the head, punching so hard that his knuckles bruise, and hitting brick walls. There has been a few times where he has continuously hit himself in the head in front of me and I am left hopeless and terrified. I try so hard for him to stop but it seems that he just can't.
    Over the past few weeks, things have gotten so, so bad. Every time I refuse to talk to him or tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore, he tells me that he is going to kill himself. He doesn't have a job, he works full time at college, his only family are gone and he feels like a complete failure (especially to his dad...imagine the baseball coach dad that wanted to see his son join the major league only for him to quit) and says that if I'm out of his life...there is nothing worth living for.
    He also brings up England, and what happened with my ex boyfriend...as if he isn't emotionally hurting me already.

    I don't know what to do anymore. He really is my soulmate, and I love him more than I love myself. We have such a connection and so many things in common, so it's not because I haven't fallen out of love with him, it's just that I'm scared. I don't know what to do with him, or how to make him stop, or how to make things better. There isn't a lot of positivity going on in his life, so if I could find a way just to make things better between us, that would be really great.
    I don't want to lose him, not because I'm afraid of what he might do to himself, but because he's my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him. Someone's gotta know how that feels, right? That feeling where you know he's the right person for you, but there's some water damage you just gotta take time to dry.

  • There's a lot going on here. I think, quite honestly, you're seeing his real personality and it isn't so appealing. I think a person's responses to stress and difficult circumstances are the true indicator of the type of partner they'll be. Frankly, he fails the test.

    I know it's tough to let go of someone you feel so strongly for, but from what you're describing it is not a healthy and positive thing for you to continue this relationship. It seems to be more than just a "rough patch". I would leave him.

    Have you given him reason to be untrusting of you?


    • Oh, one more thing: his threats to hurt himself are not your responsibility. Call campus police or a mental health professional if he continues to threaten suicide. He needs help that you cannot provide.


      • Thank you so much for your reply. I know it was long so I appreciate your time. I've told him that if he ever tried anything I would contact the campus police, but that only calms him down for the time being. It's not like he's like this all the time, only when our stress and arguments go overboard. I see what you mean about how one reacts to stress, but at the same time I feel that I can't just leave him to self distruct. He really is a nice guy aside from these minor episodes.
        Do you think if I sat him down and told him how I really felt about this whole thing, things might get a little better? I don't want to be responsible for anyone let alone him hurting himself.
        And honestly, there was one minor incident of mistrust over a year ago that he has said he has gotten over, but I can never know for sure because he sometimes uses it against me. He has had many trust issues with his life before me though. Being in a divorced environment at the age of 3 where his dad cheated on his mom more than once must be hard to understand. I have never and never will cheat on him though. He really is the guy that you dream about....aside from these episodes.


        • I agree with kitty hon, too many negatives and serious warning signs here. You should go.

          If it makes you feel and better, none of us can actually save the world, and even 'saving' one person is a tall order. That's really on him, no matter how guilty you make yourself feel.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


          • Sweetie, I understand that maybe even 90-95% of the time he is a great guy. But these few episodes are indicative, to me, of much more serious troubles for this boy. If you continue with him, things will likely get much worse.

            No I don't really think you should sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel. If you must do it, make sure you don't expect it to be the catalyst for change in his life. It will likely take much more for him to see that he needs help, and it is not your responsibility to save him from himself.

            Walk away and don't look back.


            • hey confused, welcome to the forum! This isn't your typical online forum... we actually CARE here and you're going to get a lot of useful responses like the ones you've already received. We hope you stick around

              Honestly, while I'm sure that your boyfriend can be great a lot of the time, he's showing some really telling signs of an abuser. He's questioning your loyalty, accusing you of being untrue when you're already limiting your social interests, he's can't control his anger and resorts to self harm. These are all very unhealthy behaviors.

              People all over the planet face adversity regularly. We all do, and we deal with abandonment, death, injury, arguments, financial struggles, time management issues, emotional and/or physical stress every day, some days are better and some are worse. But regardless, we try to handle these things with a level-headed demeanor... even when it seems overwhelming. An emotionally healthy person does not self harm or threaten suicide.

              Your boyfriend needs help that you can't give him. In my honest opinion, his behavior is quite scary to me and I would leave him if I were you. I understand you love him and want to be there for him, but he's spiraling down a very dangerous path, and he's going to drag you with him before long if he doesn't receive professional help. He needs counseling to deal with his mistrust, abandonment issues, and to rely on better outlets for his anger. If he refuses, I don't see how you can possibly create a good life with him. It is a very serious issue and it WILL get worse without the proper action be taken. He needs to get better before he can be the person you deserve to be with, and you shouldn't wait around hoping he changes.


              • If you opened a text book on psychology and looked up abusive partner, it would describe your boyfriend. Classic abuser behavior - nice one minute and abusive the next. There is always an excuse for the bad behavior and its never his fault. Slowly isolating you from friends. Making you feel bad. Threatening harm if you lease. But when he is nice, he is super nice. You will even start thinking its your fault he looses control.

                LEAVE NOW. This behavior will only escalate.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                • Never be impressed by someone who is wonderful 99% of the time if he pulls out a gun to deal with the other 1%. Knowing he has that weapon and is willing to brandish it makes you a prisoner 100% of the time--even if you want to deny it.

                  You cannot be an honest person in a relationship if doing so has the potential to catastrophic.

                  He's got to get some professional help. They have counselors he can see at his school.

                  If you don't want to end it you can offer an option by saying something like:

                  "Honey, I love you and want to be with you, but your behavior has become unacceptable. I am going to leave and put this relationship on hold and won't date anyone else until at least the summer. If, in June, you can show me (with notes and letters from your counselor) that you are getting help and have progressed, I will reconsider dating you again."

                  Good luck


                  • You guys were right. I got rid of him and am now living the life of singledom! Thank you guys for your great advice.


                    • Too late for me to reply

                      Well done, how do you feel? It's hard to do what you did but it's important to stand on your own two feet.

                      We have one life, one only and we must be happy not allow someone to bring us down constantly for their own gain or pleasure.

                      Somewhere out there, there is a guy who you will just click with and you both will understand each other, laugh together and feel free yet committed.

                      Welcome to WH.
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!



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