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Depressed, distraught, not trusting.

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  • Depressed, distraught, not trusting.

    Hello womens health community... I've never been on a sight like this but I have no one to really turn to... So here goes nothing.

    I'm sure you've heard a similar story a million times but, my boyfriend messaged 42 different girls for pictures of their feet.... two of the girls I know, and they betray my trust so I'm no longer friends with them. It's safe to say I strongly dislike them.

    I've been with him for almost 2 years and we just moved in together for the first time. He told me he made it just a few days before we moved in together...
    and well... I'm incredibly hurt by this I haven't slept, I had to force myself to eat... I've been puking, I have a headache.. I really don't understand why he would want all those other girl's pictures... I would sexually do just about anything for him... I've even let him masturbate to my feet, I've let him have sex with my feet.. So where am I going wrong?!?!
    I take incredibly good care of my feet knowing about this fetish so I just.. I'm so lost, I'm so hurt.. I don't understand.
    And on top of all of this I have depression and severe anxiety... I'm so so so lost...

    Him and I have talked about it, and he said that he is willing to go to therapy, and that he loves me so much.. I feel like maybe in some way I'm over reacting but my heart just keeps telling me he did something that he knew would hurt you.. and then did it any ways..
    My heart is breaking, I honestly thought he was going to be the one... But I can't handle him wanting other women's pictures.. What should I do?..

  • A fetish does not give someone the rights to cheat or exceed the bounds a relationship has on interactions with other people.

    He is likely to do it again. You need to decide if will be happy with someone who behaves like this. It REALLY is your choice - don't listen to what people tell you you "should" do, do what will make you happy.


    • Do you think he's as likely to do it again if he is going to go through counselling?.. I'm not sure


      • If he had asked the other women for pictures of a more generally recognized sexual body part (breasts, for example) would you react differently?

        What he did was an act of infidelity. That is, he attempted to engage in a sexual relationship with other women, including ones you know.

        We could rank the levels of these relationships in terms of how "real" and serious they are. For example from least to greatest (leaving out emotional affairs) might be:

        1) Uses anonymous porn
        2) Engages in anonymous on-line sex.
        3) Engages in an on-going "virtual" sexual relationship with a formerly unknown person.
        4) Engages in an "virtual" sexual relationship with a known person.
        5) Engages in an in-person sexual relationship with an unknown person.
        6) Engages in an in-person sexual relationship with a known (to the betrayed) person.

        I would say what your boyfriend did was 4).

        That's a very serious breach of trust and your reaction is perfectly normal for someone who's been betrayed.

        So the question is whether you feel that he is so wonderful and irreplaceable that you want to go through the very hard work of reconciling this relationship and the risks of trusting him again.

        There is a protocol for recovering from a betrayal. However, it's not simple and it takes a long time. The results can be an improved and wonderful relationship. However, there's no guarantee of that. And without a genuine commitment and some highly motivating factors like children or religious devotion, it's extremely difficult to find the strength and finances to do it.

        Also, assuming you could find your way to trusting him again, do you want to endure the challenges of coping with his fetish? While you can reasonably expect most women to have their breasts covered in public, it's not like you can ask everyone around the resort swimming pool or the beach to please cover their feet to keep from arousing your boyfriend.

        Good luck


        • Give him a chance since he is willing to go to counseling and he recognizes he has a problem. The problem isn't you but him. Give him a chance to change a get better. I think the positive thing here is that he is recognizing that he needs help and willing to do what it takes. We all will need someone to recognize this in our relationships. Go to counseling and work at it. If it doesn't get better after that then consider whether you should be together.


          • I feel like "I'm seeking counseling" is the 21st century way of saying "the Devil made me do it." What it implies is that the person needs help with something that is outside of their control. The amazing thing is that somehow, in some people's minds, it absolves them of the wrong they did!

            If you knew something was wrong. You were able to refrain from doing it. You did it anyway. And then when you got caught decided that you needed counseling, how does that make it OK? Did a mental imbalance force you to ask for feet pics and only recognize it after you were found out?

            Maybe counseling would help, maybe it wouldn't, but if you try to cheat with your girlfriend's friends you're a bad person, in my eyes. Counseling doesn't make someone moral. I do believe that people can change and that maybe he will never do this again. The counseling thing strikes me as a cop-out, though.

            The feet thing is not even that unusual. Yours could be the most beautiful feet ever to grace Earth and you could do all the right things with them. None of that matters to a cheater.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


            • So, you dumped the two girls who betrayed your trust, but kept the man...???
              Let him seek counseling, and wish him well with it but if I were you, I'd step out of the picture during this time and let him get the help he says he wants.

              I know it's hard for you, you were so invested in this relationship. It is probably wise to believe, until proven otherwise, that he is a liar, cheater and has serious boundary issues. He won't get better overnight...question is, do you want to stick around long enough to see if he changes, and gamble your own future on it?


              • He really should go see a doctor.



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